The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

That is super hard for you @Sans911 - all of it ...your sister, everyone using your car and the family gatherings this week for your sister It is really hard when we compare ourselves to others though Hon - I have no doubt you have qualities that your sister does not have and they are just as important. We see them here every day and not only love you for them but appreciate You. I know that is not the same as in real life - especially when it comes to family - but it matters to us because you matter to us

Been a few triggers for me today - all seemed to come at once and very unexpected - so I have been knocked off my feet and struggling to get through today ...not in an unsafe way but in a 'I don't want to face anymore of today' kind of way. I know you get that. That then inevitably leads to not wanting to sleep because I don't want flashbacks and nightmares. I am much better place to deal with them than I used to be but it is still super hard.

7 kids is certainly a handful @Sans911 Your sister does sound wonderful but we are all different and have our own value in this world. For a long time I felt similar about my sister and felt I had very little to offer in this world. It took a lot for me to feel even a little different to that and there are certainly still days I don't see the point in me being here ...today being one of those

I think we are so controlled by our past sometimes that we cannot see our own value - trauma and low self-esteem certainly affects how we think of ourselves. Both you and I have had/have a career, a place we actually excel in what we do - but even that does not always help us to feel we are doing any good even though all indications point in that direction. When we have good days it does lift us up but in the back of our minds I think we struggle to actually recognise that and acknowledge just how well we are doing. Like you have said before though Hon - our work does give us purpose - that place we can feel for even a little while that we belong and that we are making a difference in this world. I so hope you can get back to that yourself really soon. I very much understand how this latest rejection feels - you have put so much emotional energy into wanting to get back to work and in doing something you are passionate about and when you are told you are not good enough for that position it really does cut deep ...but I have faith that you will find another role, another path because you really want it.

I so get that conversation with the mention of someone you cannot even bear to hear their name. I cannot even speak the name of my ex - in all my therapy sessions - and even with a little prompting from the psych - I still could not do it. It is amazing how a name can ellicit such strong emotional feelings ...it is very much like that with a certain song for me too ...one of which I heard today and started the downward spiral. Then I read something on a thread that I didn't expect to be there shortly after - and the day just snowballed from there.

I was reminded today of something that happened unexpectedly (a long time ago) in regards to my sister and one of my childhood abusers and that hit me harder than it has for a while. I want to tell you because I think I need to get it out so hope it is okay?

awww @Sans911 You are so sweet

Okay so this came up for me today ...again - because of all things something really small - cooking. When I first moved out of home (in my early 20s) I lived in a small granny flat under a house close to the city. My sister and a few friends went out one night (nothing unusual there) and she stayed over. She lived a long way from the city so staying with me was convenient for everyone. I left earlier than her to go home but when I woke in the morning her and a 'man' were in my kitchen making breakfast. The 'man' was one of my childhood abusers. He had lived only a few houses up from our home as children and was only a teenager himself at the time. As you can imagine I didn't know how to handle it so I left and came back when he was gone. I made some excuse to get out but of course could not tell her the real reason. The worst part about it was that he was so nice to me that morning and I think in my own mind I began to doubt so much of what had happened after that. It was very confusing for me to reconcile this person with the one that had hurt me for so long. ....a couple of years later I actually worked with his sister - so it seemed I could not get away from any of it

This is where so many of the difficulties with telling anyone come from @Sans911 I tried to tell my sister years ago and she said she did not want to hear. I do think part of that was in protecting herself and part of it was not wanting to know anything had happened to me - a bury your head in the sand approach and it never happened or would go away. In all honesty I don't think she could deal with it. I have never tried talking to her again - it was too painful to be shut down as I was - and for a long time after that her and I grew apart. I did feel as if she had rejected me not just what I was saying - so that hurt deeply. Here is the real kicker - she is a psychologist and a really good one too.