The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

My mental health history is quite complex @Teej and has present for most of my life in one form or another. I first attempted suicide at 17, but even as a toddler I had pyschological testing done because I didn't speak until I was 3 years old & was described as being emotionally flat.

When I started my nursing career, things settled on the surface for a long time. But lots of stuff bubbled under the surface. I had little confidence in myself or my nursing, and I have low self esteem. I had a breakdown right at the point of being promoted 3 years ago when I finally had got my dream job 2 years before that. It was an amazing job, but so very challenging and so many strong personalities that were really difficult for me to interact with. Lots of conflict, and my work suffered as I was sinking deeper into depression.

And the year after my breakdown my depression wasn't that bad. I could work, function normally and wasn't too bad emotionally. Then it was all hell in a handbasket after that. My time her on the forum has coincided with the worst period of my mental illness.

It's awful isn't it when not only with our mental illness comes financial insecurity that affects everything we thought was stable. Prior to this period, I was on a good income, could take holidays, I guess I didn't worry too much about my future. Now, for everything to be so rocky and unstable just adds to my stresses.

Sending you loads of hugs @Shaz51.

Thanks @Former-Member. She’s been away 7 weeks.

oh @Shaz51 I am so sorry about your sweet dog. While we tell ourselves our pets no longer suffer, it doesn't make our suffering any easier, does it? Big hugs hun.

I’m really sorry @Sans911 that things took this turn. I can imagine your work situation would have been very stressful. Those high pressure environments with strong personalities would do me in.

I had my first thoughts of suicide at about 17 but it wasn’t until I was 21 that they surfaced to a point I sought a little help. Back then it was considered hormonal as I would go through those thoughts every month. Ironically 30 years on there is still a high coincidence of me being admitted to hospital at a certain time of the month but it’s not the only factor.

I like you had low self esteem and worked hard to hide so much. On the outside I was always laughing and smiling whilst I think I was often bubbling away too. I now see that anxiety has plagued me for much of my life amongst other things.

The expectation for me is to find a job but that seems so full of fear for lots of reasons. One of them you kind of articulated a bit. I will be eaten up so much now by others. I think I was always sensitive but never this hyper sensitive. One of the biggest fears is that I don’t trust myself for anything. I need to learn how to do this first.

I think you’ve talked about making new friends. I know I have to go down this path too. It’s hard being middle aged and single I think, let alone with baggage I carry. I had a pretty good life (not perfect by any means) that got ripped out. I know I have to start a new life that looks very different but this seems so overwhelming.

My cc rang so I’m back for now.

Sorry for being out of the loop @Teej but who is your cc?

Yes, I too have to return to some form of work at some point, but how do you do that when you have filled 20 years in a career (not the same job mind for that long) that is your everything? No one really understands how massive that loss is to me. Because I can probably never work in the same environments again. Some hospitals where I have been a patient many times over don't trust me anymore, and anyway, I don't trust myself either to be safe in those environments or to feel confident anymore. I lost my dream job, and will probably never do that again. But more than anything, I no longer have any clear picture of a future work life. Other people in my rl tell my I would be good at this or that, but I can't see what they see.I had a focus and direction before, now I have nothing.

I have never had a lot of friends all my life. I know a lot of people but I don't have regular contact with them, and I very rarely go out to things like dinner, coffee, or go over to friends homes. I feel that if people really knew me, they would run a mile. I don't share much of my past because I got tired of being pitied. My past is my past, I can't change it. I don't want pity, although I understand it is easier for people to feel this because they lack understanding. I would like more friends, but at the same time, it fills me with a lot of anxiety and fear. My recent therapist almost mocked me when I said one goal was to have friends, yet I didn't know if I could ever break down my own barriers to allow that to happen.

I haven't looked at my future as starting a new life, so it's interesting to see you describe as such. I have just never looked at it that way.But I guess it's what we need to do. Yet I am not hopeful of this new life because I can't see how I would be in it. I am filled with so much fear about what I need to loose in order to gain. I don't know if any of that makes sense.

Oh @Sans911 that makes so much sense to me. I think that I chose the term new life because if I get that far it will be living and reinventing myself. I’m not at all confident of it yet but I guess lately I’ve had more determination to pursue it. For me it took the reaction of one of my kids when I sh and ended up in hospital a few months back. I’ve had some serious thoughts of ending it again but been a little more proactive in not acting on them.

I’m coming from the opposite end of the scale to you for work. I haven’t worked since my eldest was born which is now 23 years ago. I now understand why I haven’t. When I was at uni before d day I had thought the only way I could work was to have my own small business that I could work from home. I knew that some days I’d only be working for a couple of $ an hour but that was ok if I enjoyed it. Other days would be better. I am often really slow at producing anything and overthink everything until it’s out of control. My fear of getting things wrong in the workplace has been paralysing. The thought of work doesn’t scare me just everything else. I think I partly hid in education because I could mask so much more of my bad days there. I dream of actually having a career.

My cc is my community health care coordinator.

Besides owning your own business, is there anything else that you think you would like to do as an occupation or career @Teej? What where you studying before, and have you sought out the advice of a career advisor or counsellour?

And I like your description of this new life you talk about. It's an interesting way to describe it. I never had a desire to have children excpet for one relationship in my 30s, and I have not had a long term relationship since then.I am not even quite 50 yet, and already I am a great aunt, so my mother nor the world need me to add to the gene pool.

I'm much like you in terms of slowness, overthinking and thoroughness. I have constantly got into trouble at work for these issues. I was often the last to leave at the end of a shift because I hadn't quite completed everything. And I tend to notice the finer details instead of looking at the bigger picture, which doesn't always work very well. As much as I have enjoyed nursing, it's been fraught with bullying, constant criticism and need to improve my skills, and myself always feeling like a fraud because I never really thought I was any good, and often blundered my way through.

I have struggled almost daily for the past 2 years with chronic SI. I have at times been very serious about not living, and have been very close to it on numerous occasions. Now, I don't know how I feel about being here. I guess I am trying to make some effort, but right now it feels more like existing. I try hard to not to act on my thoughts, but there too comes a point where I do occassionally loose control, and can no account for what happens next. I have been so invalidated, judged and scorned by the health services, police, helplines and such it's incredibly difficult to seek help before I do damage to myself. I try to connect here at these times of great distress, as you have possibly noticed, but when I see others in a similar place, it's really hard to do that. But I guess it's a bit of mutual leaning on each other, and gets that much needed time out of our thoughts.

I started a cert 4 in mental health @Sans911 at the beginning of last year I think. I lasted two weeks before I tripped over (mh) and have not been able to go again. My first step will be volunteering again. I just need to be able to do something on a regular basis before work becomes an option.

I think i might might be like you, see the details but often miss the big picture. I was studying website design 6 years ago.

I have experienced many many of the same treatments from mh workers but especially in hospital. Nothing like those experiences to add to your self esteem or desire to keep living 😠. I don’t understand how they don’t think we have enough shame as it is. Whilst waiting in a waiting room for a surgery assessment a few years ago I overheard staff talk about their colleagues, it was so nasty. I had tears rolling down my face just hearing it. From that experience and others I can imagine how competitive it would be with bullying a thing. I’m so very scared of that. My resilience is so crap now. I used to wear a shield of vagueness around me a bit before my breakdown. I don’t think I knew if anyone was talking about me. After my breakdown everything changed and now that fear of judgement and rejection is often life threatening for me.

I had never been alone for than 4 months since I was 16 until my breakdown. I met my husband when I was 21 and was him for 12 yrs. He left me with the kids aged 5,4,3 and 8 months old for someone else. It was only 4 months after that that I got with my partner and we were together 13 yrs. I ended up going from the psych ward to a very different life. One that’s not been so good. Lots of attempts and dysfunction. Learning to live on my own has bought so many challenges. My breakdown happened when I attempted suicide because I couldn’t live with my ex anymore but couldn’t leave him either. My youngest was only 11. The psychiatrist helped me get out of that relationship but then the wheels came off hugely for me. It’s kind of interesting that we can have very different journeys but end up in similar situations.

Im going to sort tea out and may be back on later. It’s been really lovely to share this stuff and learn a little more about you.

💜🤗

Likewise @Teej

Thanks for sharing your stories with me. It's been nice to know you a little better. Yes, very different paths but at the same station right now. Its been a pleasant chat with you.

@Sans911just coming by to see how you are tonight?