I dont know how much longer i can go on like this

oooh ouch @outlander - you are welcome here - you are an important, valued and much loved member -

I read as far back to know you gave had trouble with the horses - there are naughty horses - and I also read that you thought your Pop was embarrassed about you - these are not good and I can understand your despair and frustration

One thing I have learned over and over in my life is that the expectation of events is either better or worse than the realisation - however it appeared to be in your imagination of how life would be without your family the truth would be that it is a culture-shock - and abrupt change in your life - a major stressor

And yes - from my own experience - it will take time for you too adjust

I have to say it over and over that you are worthwhile and you deserve a place in this world - sometime I hope you can see this yourself - and for one - I do care a lot about your battles here in your life which are far from easy

Give it time - don't pack and leave early - that would be a terrible waste

I haven't been well - but I am here right now and caring heaps

Dec

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@outlander wrote:

@Owlunarim glad your catching up on some sleep. thats really good, how are you feeling since your op? hold on think you tagged me in your thread- hold that thought till i get there.

the horse will be fine, just lots of tlc and stuff for the next 2 weeks, and alot of work! no this one is my horse/the one i ride/share with mum. so i paid the consult but mum is helping with the actual bill.

its not a rash, its my entire skin. ive got to go speak to a gp yet again as this will be the third time. they constantly blame it on my meds or my anxiety without doing tests. ive had this incurable itch for yrs, its jsut a lot more prominent before. it was only relly mild before now its like out of control.

wow! that was a long time ago. i remember you being in a panic telling me to get to the ed for that too as it burst open and there was mess everywhere! that raging infection! ( ive still got a big deep indedented scar there. and my first pap smear in april. wow has it really been that long since i havent been physically well and stil not ?

yes even with my mother being gone im still doing so much running around for them and the expectations are still super high but im working on that.

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Hi @outlander

I copied this post so you would know which one I am replying to - I had yesterday off - still slept for a long time during the day

Definitely I am not the shiny ball on the Christmas Tree - but not the broken one either - I was having a massive stress-out for the operation and then a GA - and after walking around with a stiff leg for months I have found I can bend and straighten my leg and walk properly now - but yes - I have pain that is getting less - I have the stitches out next week and I think it will feel a lot better by then

And as for feelling flat - it would be my son's birthday next week and that is wearing me down - twice a year on his dates I have a flat time - and I hadn't realised this until this week atm and I think the extra pain medication is part of the mix

Yes - you have been battling with one thing after another since then - I could look back because you changed your avatar then -

Your mother - wow - does she ever give you anything in return for all you do for her? It's really hard for you to go out and find a regular job running around after her all the time - I am really glad you are planning to deal with this slave-girl-work - and that's enough for now

I have a hair-dresser's appointment today but it's too hot for me to go out I think - and with my knee still not great I feel I need to take it easy

Thinking of you

Dec

Hi @Owlunar

thanks for copying that post, I mightve gotten confused otherwise. Good thinking 99

sorry you havent been doing too well but its good news about your leg. Itll take some adjusting to get use to but make sure you take it easy for a bit longer wont you and take care yourself the best you can another tough time of yr for you, please make sure you get support and help if it gets too much, I know youve got lots of support on your thread to and we will help you the best we can

did you end up going to your appt today?

I know im welcome here, its just hard to feel accepted here when im not accepted anywhere in life. Today I had an incident with the bullies and then at the second job another incident with those ex friends of mine. I feel like a nothing @Owlunar I dont even know what to do with myself anymore. I cant look at myself, I literally cannot cope with even having a part of me touch and in I cant cross my legs or anything because I cant handle myself. I feel abandoned and hurt and worthless.

all day ive been dealing with pelvic and stomach style cramps. its not really something ive had before. its painful and unusual. its like period cramps but its not. its weird and i dont know what to do about that either. im sill getting pain around my kidneys too. i cant handle another round of antibiotics. ive had 4 aready

How was your day @outlander? and how is the 🏇?

post towards top of page and the bottom half of post to Dec pretty much sums it up @Former-Member sorry i dont have much energy left. might end up logging off soon still have lasting effects of yesterday and again today. taken too many hits and struggling to bounce back

@outlander- I am just dropping by my angel to say goodnight as I have had a very long, difficult day a bit like yours, but I think yours was tougher by far. I had a 2hour counselling session with my suicide prevention counsellorthis afternoon and everything hurts from trying to mantain control. I desperately need sleep, and I am hoping the meds I have taken work very soon. Please get some rest lil Sis, and I will catch up with you tommorow.