I dont know how much longer i can go on like this

Dec,in regard to your comments, I don't know how I will ever handle a social gathering again, because of the way I feel about myself being a failure,my anxiety with social triggers etc.As you know I don't get on with family,my niece who I helped rear as a baby due to her mother being a neglectful one at that time is getting married in February and I won't be going and to be honest,have no guilt due to the way I have been treated.

I think I have said before,if anything happens to my mother I made the decision not to attend,due to knowing I cannot handle that scenario and would rather grieve in my own way.My sister's have done very little,and through big life being swallowed up,they have lived their life.I no longer believe in public gatherings, and if you don't have a status,ego etc to go with,it won't be fun.Im not interested in making small talk,and as you know hate people asking personal questions as it agitated me,and I am now one that won't sit with it on my shoulders,I will give it back quick because I paid a high price for the pathetic behaviour in human interaction.People need to go and find a mirror before they start on me.

As you said ,can't totally avoid stress,but @Owlunar,I live in fear of something happening that will be my final straw so to speak,as the dark moments I have had like everyone has here,is at times unbearable.