I dont know how much longer i can go on like this

Hi @outlander

I have been watching over you as usual and tonight I am coming into say how glad I am to see you tonight and to know you are back home safe

I had the feeling you were in hospital when you went quiet - of course it is really natural for everyone to be concerned but we also know that it is hard to let people know when this kind of emergency happens

So - it was a relief to see you here this evening - and I hope you have had the chance to rest and sort things out a bit and take it easy - it's very important to take it easy

And you can tell us how much you want to talk about what happened when you are ready - all the best and I do hope you sleep well tonight - or as best you can sleep

Dec

You have a right to be here

@outlander

I am always watching - I think there are many times when I have a better idea of your on-going story when I read what you are saying without interacting myself - but if I could and if it was necessary I would be there for you suddenly - just as I so often am

Just write what you want to when you want to - they say start at the beginning - we already know what was happening the night before you went to hospital - I could tell you were battling and @Former-Member seemed to be working well with you - still things have been so chaotic for you over the last few weeks I had a pretty good idea you were in hospital

Just take it in your own time

Dec

Just take it in your own time @outlander

Ok well its weird because i dont really remember that much. I remember sitting in my car for a long time. I dont even know what i was thinking about. I just sat there for hours . I actually cleaned out my car and had no evidence of anything.
I had what i wanted to do in my head and i was set on doing it i just didn't know when.
Then i remember being in the hospital. It freaked me out because id forgotten i was there.
I remember driving in there thinking i needed to either go there or out the plan i had into action. I guess i picked hospital.

I dont really remember sitting in there but sort of remembering a nurse doing a few tests like bp

They said id told them about what happened with the dog attack and how if been struggling with that and the convo between mum and someone else and how i thought she blamed me and also the pain id been in and lack of sleep and the nightmares and flashbacks.

They said that they think the stress of everything had gotten to me. And has caused like a stress thing where the brain shuts down to protect itself.


I mustve been off in lala land truely because to get any sort or reaction they made me hold ice as it was cold and they said i hardly spoke a word after id told them what isaid above. I remember bits of holding the ice as it was cold and was dripping between my fingers
It mustve been like sleeping with eyes open.

Then i remember really 'waking up' and actually realising where i was. I didnt meantion what i had set out to do at all. It was like i totally went into the dissociation phase for a few hrs. I hardly remember anything. Only little bits and pieces.

I remember why i wanted to end things but i cant remember much else. I also remember being in pain. My stomach was hurting from cramps as that morning after 4 months i finally got my period.

Mum knows abit of what happened. She knows about the stomach ache id had and that was what id said to tell her.
I also told her that i was struggling again with thedog incident and that therapy was bringing alot of it all up. I didnt say she blamed me or anything else just those.
It was only overnight really so not too bad as i came around the same day i went in but they wanted to keep me there and make sure i was ok and it wasnt going to happen again.

I hope this makes sense.