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The black dog is back

CherpieusSenior Contributor23 Sept 2015, 1:53 pm AEST

The black dog is back

Hi there,

This is my first time here and I'm not sure where to start.

I've read a number of posts and I am astounded by so many peoples courage in the face of mental illness and distressful life situations.

I'm 41 and have had 4 bouts of depression in my life. I'm currently in my fourth now. The first was when I was 23 and I recovered with counselling and without medication. The second was post natal depression after I had twins when I was 25 and I recovered with medication and counselling. The third was 8 years ago when I went through a divorce. This was the worst. I was suicidal and was in hospital. I recovered with medication and counselling. I stabalised for about 6 years on one medication. I felt reasonable enough to live and I met a wonderful man who I fell in love with and we got married.

Over the last 6 months I've gone down hill. I've been back to see my GP who changed my medication although it hasn't improved things. I'm waiting to get in to see a psychiatrist to see what more can be done with medication. I am now so depressed.

I tried to share my feelings with my husband and he got upset and has withdrawn from me emotionally and physically. I feel terrible that I've upset him and I feel like he has no respect or love for me now. I have no friends as I lost them all in my divorce.

My mum is dying of a brain tumor and I support my Dad by being with him at the nursing home 3 days a week. I work full time (Sunday to Thursday). I have 15 year old twins (girl / boy) who live with us 50% of the time. I have a step son who is 20 and has just gotten married and they live with us too. I have a step daughter who is 24 and has a 3 year old girl - they don't live with us.

I get no enjoyment out of anything anymore. I cry at least once a day, sometimes more. I've been to so much counselling over the years and have done courses in CBT and DBT. I do all the 'right' things. Exercise, mindfulness, distraction, blah blah blah. Nothing works and nothing helps.

I feel so alone and incapable of making myself better. My husband thinks I should just be 'happy'. If only it was that simple.

I am exhausted from pretending I'm ok. I can't even be myself at home now because of my husband. I don't want to go home.

I'm trying to develop some sort of interest. I play the piano (not very well), do jigsaw puzzles and have started colouring. Again, it doesn't help.

That's all I can cope with writing now. Although it sounds all so depressing at least it's the truth.

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In response to: The black dog is back

MazaritaSenior Contributor28 Sept 2015, 11:46 am AEST

Re: The black dog is back

Well done, @Cherpieus. You were able to empathise with your husband's emotional pain even though he was expressing it in a difficult way. I'm very sensitive too and can be easily rocked by other people's anger or irritability (even though I am sometimes an angry or irritable person in myself). As with your experience, sometimes just giving space and quiet to my partner if he is in an uncomfortable mood brings us closer again later. The same works in reverse, I like quiet and space sometimes too. It sounds like your husband could be going through some very difficult emotions himself. It is good you can recognise that how he feels belongs to him and that you are not to blame. Best wishes for you both.

In response to: Re: The black dog is back

AppleblossomSenior Contributor28 Sept 2015, 5:46 pm AEST

Re: The black dog is back

Great ... I am glad actuve music-making helped .. we have become obssessed with experts and celebrities we forget it is a core part of being human.

Yes distinguishing the issues and allowing for appropriate expression of anger .. is important for adult relationships ...rather than escalations and misunderstandings ...

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