Night Shift

I had chosen not to be still around until I saw your post @Mazarita. I'm really happy for your productive day. I'm really curious to know what do you think changed for you to achieve your successes today. I am wondering if it is the medication change or something else. I am so messed up so please bear with me.

I'm sorry if you are struggling too @Former-Member hugs to you💜💐

Hi @Former-Member,

So sorry you are feeling messed up tonight. Was it last night on the forum that triggered it? Anything else you might want to talk about? No worries if you'd prefer not to, of course.

Not exactly sure what has helped with the bounce back over the past 36 hours or so. Could be just another bipolar swing around. Could be the reduction of the anti-psychotic giving me a bit more energy to move. Could be the slightly harder stance my Phams worker took with me in our phone conversation when I cancelled out on her yesterday. Could be that I spent a bit of last night reworking my old 'daily activity plan' and stuck to it today, at least in the morning. Probably a combination of all these things I guess.

But I really don't want to disturb your sleep if you are heading that way, so I understand if you want to go back to it. Really glad your Phams person is coming tomorrow.

I need to talk if that's ok @Mazarita. If you need to head off that's ok too

Go for it, @Former-Member. I'm quite awake and will let you know if I get too sleepy at some point.

@MazaritaI guess the last week has taken its toll and I am grappling with so many things. I don't understand why my mood changes so quickly so often. Today is the first Thursday for months I haven't had my therapist working in the background with me to try and even my neurotic behaviour out. That scared me so much and I have fought suicidal thoughts all night. I'm mostly past that part but I really can't see a future and I am so scared. I don't know where my disorders start and finish and where I do and I am so paranoid of all this on here.

I've been thinking about you today @Former-Member and how you manage to climb back up after a slump. I don't even know what triggers mine anymore. I feel like I'm losing control of it. Have you felt like this too before?

@Former-Member,

First of all, I only 'liked' that last post of yours to let you know that I'm hearing you.

The one thing I do read in your post is that you have been scared without your therapist in the background today but you have actually made it past midnight doing this on your own this time. That sounds like a step forward to me.

Your feelings of fear of no future are something you could raise with your Phams worker tomorrow. I find Phams helps with this. I've not looked to the future very far at all for a long time. But last week my Phams worker raised that dreaded 'five year' question. I was surprised that with her help I could come up with some modest ideas about what might be possible to hope for that far ahead. Once you get into the goal setting documentation that is part of the process, you too might find that some future possibilities do start to open up in your mind. You already have said here on the forum that you are aiming for voluntary work. I think that is a good thing to start with.

Your paranoia on the forum is something else. I don't want to take too long posting this so I'll save that for the next post.

I guess it's become two fold on here and probably in real life too @Mazarita. Firstly there is the paranoia and then there is the over sensitivity and they become twisted into a vicious cycle. I have learned so much about myself in the last few weeks but every time I do this I self loath more. At the moment I feel on a knifes edge all the time.