Night Shift

Sorry, @Former-Member, we posted at about the same time. Again, no worries about the feeling you can't reveal. It's not in any way dishonest. I'm sure you do have your reasons.

Fair enough, @Former-Member. I've never even used the service myself but just thought it might be easier to reveal everything in a more private context. I hear you though that you have tried that avenue many times before and know the proceedings too well. I have read some people having mixed reports on their experiences with Lifeline.

I'm guessing that maybe you can't really disclose fully here because you fear you may be recognised if anyone is reading here. In that case, you may be wise to hint at things as you are doing rather than outright say them.

Just know that I care what happens to you and do relate to at least part of what you have revealed so far on the forum. Just say whatever you can. You are so much appreciated here.

Sorry I'm a bit slow and long-winded in my posts, @Former-Member, hence we are missing each other. Are you sure you are okay to go now?

@Mazarita I really do appreciate your time and responses. Just to let you know I'm not that worried about anonymity anymore here. People would work me out so easily from what I've said so far here. I really hate that it's out for everyone to peruse our very private stuff but I've mostly accepted that. My issue is when I've disclosed in the past I've stopped being a person and just become a diagnosis. I can't do that again right now. My therapist is one of the only people so far who sees me as a person first. We have just started having a chair in the room for my diagnosis to sit. please know it is not bad and no one is harmed by it. I just feel huge stigma around it so it is for self protection that I haven't disclosed yet.

Hi @Appleblossom, sorry I didn't respond earlier to your post. Yep, ideals before money is a hard road but worth it in so many ways too I think. You and me both on the compulsions. How have you been lately?

I have been at my wits end about what to change or not change ... for a lot of the time ... I just keep trying to do the right thing ... but what is right by me at this point in time may different to anybody else.

Eg yesterday I was able to be clear to my psychologist that I did not want to focus on my sleep isssues at the cost of mood. Mood in my house has been mostly good for a few years now. I didnt have the seriousness of sleep disturbance that I personally exhibit now ... but mood was bad bad bad.

I am even finally getting to clean one of my messes up ... lots of paperwork that I had left around my bedroom floor (for 2 years) feeling like a silly resentful teen.

I can only honestly concentrate on a limited amount of things at once .. maybe the time is right for those things . .. and later might be a good time to focus on sleep.

Just examples

For years I focussed on keeping sink tidy as that was where I was needed the most raising kids ... I let the house go as we were renovating ...... it might not be your way ... you are living in an old place .. you can only do a bit at a time ... the perfect house, the perfect wife, the perfect mother ... are illusions ... make peace with who you are ...