Night Shift

Hi @Billamba,

Hopefully you have been able to get to sleep by the time I am writing this and will wake up to find that at least one of us on the forum has responded. I don't have a lot to offer in the way of advice or suggestions in response to what you are saying but I do relate to some of what you describe.

I have seen in other posts on the forum that you are struggling with anxiety, depression, eating disorder and possibly BPD. I have been diagnosed bipolar, the major symptoms have been long term depression and anxiety. I relate especially to wanting a break from life, reality and my mind at times. To deal with this I have often slept to try to 'reboot' my mental and emotional state. But I don't really recommend this as a way out as I've lost a lot of time and active life by doing this.

I don't really know how to explain myself to others either. I have told quite a few friends that I am bipolar but it's hard to explain all the implications of that. Also it has been offputting to some people and I have wondered if I should have mentioned anything about it at all. In fact my psychiatrist has even suggested to me that, just as not everyone talks about their physical ill-health, it's not always necessary to share the private reality of mental illness. I'm sure others might disagree with this but I feel there is wisdom in trying to 'pick' the people to whom we will reveal or not reveal our private struggles.

It would be great if other members have more positive suggestions to offer. In the meantime I'm listening. Hoping you get a good night's sleep and feel a bit better in the morning.

Hi @Former-Member

Thank you. I ended up using one of the relaxation apps on my phone and did some breathing stuff to try and ground me. I think last night was especially hard because I have been sleeping with the air cooler on every night. Last night was quite mild though thus I didn't need it and the silence was too much. Next time I will just turn it back on I think and enjoy being able to snuggle in my blankets.

I like your think out loud strategy. I can see how that would bring your attention back to the moment rather than staying in your head. That definitely needs to go in my book of helpful tools, I have a very busy day ahead so it may even be used today if things gets a bit much.

Yes, I see a mental health nurse but I only have one more session with her before I move. I am able to email her though and I think I need to do so. I think knowing I am coming to the end of my time with her is certainly adding to my lack of ability to cope, just fearful of starting afresh with someone new again. Yes I think I will email her in my lunch break.

Thank you so much lisajane for listening, being there and sharing some of your experiences with me. I really appreciate it. I read the other day your children are not well, are they on the mend now? I hope so xx

Thank you so much @Mazarita. To wake this morning to yours and lisajanes messages was really wonderful and to know you both read, listened and then offered some advice I find really lovely and it really helps me.

Yes, that's my list of struggles. I feel comfortable with them but I guess overwhelmed at times too. I too find that sleeping can be very helpful to take that break but I try and avoid this as much as possible. I wonder if this is a standard thing we all do to help us cope. Sometimes I just feel so exhausted from everything that is going on in my mind but it's so hard to explain that to others, so many just think I am lazy.

The mental health nurse I work with has briefly said similar to your psychiatrist. That like a person with a physical illness it's not always necessary to tell people. I guess its just hard when people are in your face about what's wrong. I still find so many people freak out when it comes to mental health. People seem to deal with depression and anxiety better than other mental illnesses.

I have to start work now. Thank you so much for your post, suggestions and just for listening. It means a lot. X

Hi again @Billamba,

So glad the replies were helpful to you. 🙂

Yes, I agree that mental and emotional overload is one good explanation of why we sometimes long for more sleep than others seem to need. It's another aspect of stigma that we are accused of laziness for this I think. I often accuse myself of laziness too, but that doesn't help me rise out of it, rather the reverse. Patience and encouragement with myself works better. When others can be patient and encouraging too, that helps a lot.

It is hard to explain this to people and I don't have any easy answers to that. Perhaps just saying that we feel mentally overloaded might work with some. I wonder if anyone else has any suggestions to make regarding how to explain our exhaustion at times.

I agree that people being in your face about what's wrong makes it hard to avoid revealing mental health issues. I also agree that people are more accepting of depression and anxiety as a diagnosis than other forms of mental illness. I think this may be partly because, even people without any long lasting MI, can relate to temporary depression and anxiety in their daily lives. However, I think there is also often poor understanding of just how crippling and long-lasting depression and anxiety can be for some people.

It was interesting reading about your experience with the air cooler. I sleep with the overhead fan on in my room all year round. I've been self-comforting with fans for a very long time. It goes back to when my dad left us as a young child and I cried all night long with the air cooler blasting over me. After that I always wanted a fan or air cooler to help me sleep. An unusual shared experience between us there.

It's great that you are working, it's more than I'm able to manage. Hoping in the longer term to be able to do some voluntary work, perhaps in the mental health care sector itself if possible.

It will be after work when you read this, I guess. Hope your day went as smoothly as possible and that you get a break from the super active mind today and tonight.

Hi @Mazarita, @Former-Member, @Appleblossom...

Thanks for your replies. I am too tired to reply properly. I have a cold.

Thinking of you @Billamba

@Mazarita, what a busy day I have had. I got home about 30mins ago and just blobbed infront of the TV for a bit and did some reading on here! In my job I am at work and working but it doesn't always feel like work. Its hard to explain.

When I am home mum always tells me I am the laziest person she knows which I find so damn frustrating. I find when I am home I tend to 'veg out' a bit but when I am not there I have long work days which is tiring in itself let alone the battles I have in my head. I know it's a lack of understanding but it is so hard, when I do allow myself to stop I don't do a lot and rest a lot but I believe I very much operate on full steam ahead or sleep mode. Both of which offer me some protection from my mind. As soon as I have too much time to think is when things get very hard. I know it occurs in my work and socialising time as well but it's generally to a lesser extent than when I am on my own.

I wish I could do something to explain to the general population more about mental illness. I wish I could write better because honestly I would love to write a book sharing people's stories and journey with mental health. The triumphs and the tragedies. Slowly breaking down the stigma. I think as you said anxiety and depression is easier for people to understand on some level, from temporary lived experience and awareness places (not sure I can name the two I am thinking of so I won't). But the two I am thinking of I absolutely love but I think they sometimes gloss over other forms of mental illness.

How interesting our shared experience with the air coolers/fan. I'm sorry to read your dad left when you were a young child, that must have been so difficult. I work with children and I have seen just how much things like that affect them but can only imagine a lived experience. I'm not sure what started mine, I guess just white noise can be something else for me to focus on externally.

I am so inspired to read about your wish to volunteer in the mental health field at some stage. I hope you are able to fulfil this wish at some stage in the future. As I said above whilst I do work sometimes I think it's only a strategies to protect myself from my mind.

I hope you have had a good day today. What did you get up to?

Thank you again @Mazarita x

Hi @Billamba

Children usually take a bit of energy ... what sort of work do you do?

I used to love it when my kids "veged out" or "blobbed" in front of tv. My American rellies were fascinated by our Aussie turn of phrase and always analysed and commented on it. But I just knew it was important to be able to do that together as a family ...

It is awful that generation gaps get in the way of good family relationships ... what is the right level of respect and/or concern for another's vulnerability?

"Laziness" seemed the biggest accusation that I heard from people complaining about mi relatives. It seems the biggest hurdle in the breakdown in understanding ... "I have worked hard" ... so now "you need to work" and how much work is enough to satisfy another person who is not seeing all the issues faced.

Sometimes work is pleasurable ... sometimes its not ... and sometimes it is paid or recognised.

In many ways it is the mother daughter relationships that suffer greatly .... I had all the "laziness" insinuations and digs from my mother too ... and then I realised that she had not actually mothered us in years for as long as I had mothered .... whatever that means ... competition in that aarea is the last thing most of us need.

Glad you are gaining from the forum.

Hi @Billamba

Its nice that you can go home to your mums, even if she maybe doesnt understand how hard you are finding things. I do get that absolute exhaustion where you just feel like everything is an effort. up until i worked this year ive always worked full time - as a teacher for the last 10 years but before that in a range of jobs. And i was always able to hide things at work, be the super efficient person that was reliable and functional. I always feel kind of like i have a mask, or a fake me that goes and does that stuff! Would it be possible to explain to your mum, have her go with you to an appointment and talk about the realities of how you feel, what you're able to work on together etc (if the tension is really something that is affecting both of you that is).

I agree with @Appleblossom i think the term 'laziness' is often one thrown around MI because of that lack of being able to 'see' something or 'believe' there is really something (like you can't 'see' most cancers but people just believe that those people should be looking after themselves by resting etc).

Im hoping to go back to work next year.. I think i'm hoping to that is... i'm alternatively terrified of the prospect and everything that goes with it, and thinking that maybe it'll give me back some purpose, passion and control over my life. But also worried about how jumpy and anxious i am these days, and if i can really manage it. So we will see... I see my psychiatrist just before xmas, so he and I will have to have some conversations then.

I have found today a bit difficult with all the white ribbon stuff... Read too many stories on ABC that I knew were affecting me at the time, but at the same time i felt like I needed to keep reading, keep tyring to understand, and kept seeing myself in various descriptions and posts. Lots going around my head tonight which is not great. On a positive note, my little boy went to kindy today and dr said my lil girl should be ok to go to school tomorrow! so i am selfishly looking forward to a child free day tomorrow!

How are you doing @Mazarita ? @Appleblossom ? (the forums have been a bit of a confrontational space today, are you doing ok?)

I hope you are feeling better very soon @Former-Member - maybe my kids sneezed through the computer?!?

LJ

Thanks for asking @Former-Member. It is funny yesterday I sat with a social worker ...

and she told me "You are not going to back down are you?"

She meant it in a supportive .. gotta take a stand sometime etc kind of way... reagrding my home and personal situation.

I usually submit ... back down, withdraw, apologise, leave ... I know it is not right for me to do that any more.

I am sad ... I take people on face value and if someone asks to be friends I take it on ... Dont worry too much ... I'll perk up ... but ...

Love the idea of germs travelling thru computers

@Appleblossom yes, sometimes I think I take more risks, make myself more vulnerable on here... than i ever would in real life. And exactly like you, I never stand up to anything and i've had a few of the mh professionals use the phrase you need to be more assertive! haha! I'm not sure thats even a part of my make up... which is probably why i am often left defenseless and vulnerable to bad things in the first place... but has also kept me safe from ... worse harm perhaps and so its a catch 22 sort of thing that we've learnt (or at least for me)

Never forget you do have friends here, and support, one bad day does not erase the good, just makes us put on shaded glasses for a while, and like you said, you know you will perk up.... maybe change glasses (perhaps a pretty blue shade next? hehe!)

sending positive vibes through the computer that are hopefully germ free! hehe!

LJ