Night Shift

Actually I had an uncomfortable moment with the relationship counsellor last week.... It was at the start & I was looking at him & he was just staring back at me & then he said "well you're the patient...." This frustrated me first because I am a client not a patient & 2nd a good psychologist/counsellor/social worker/psychiatrist KNOWS the questions to ask... My psychiatrist is very good at asking good questions. Usually if I feel uncomfortable with a professional I don't go back to see them. Sometimes I won't go back after the first visit. Sometimes I give them more time if I'm unsure... Maybe ask your gp is she knows of any other psychologists who specialise in addiction near you.

I do think age can be a barrier. I prefer someone older or I compare myself to them too harshly - as in they are younger then me & they have already achieved this & that... I also prefer to see females... Maybe why I don't think the lifeline counsellor can help me...

Hi @Former-Member,

Thanks for responding to my rave and for sharing your experience with psychologists and psychiatrists. In itself, this is helpful to me.

The thing that stood out to me from your posts was your experience with the psychologist who was a warm, empathetic person. I'm feeling the empathy side of things missing from this experience with my psychologist. If I was seeing him for more than 7 more sessions, I might consider changing. I also don't want to interrupt the small progress I have made with my addictions so far.

I have a solid ongoing relationship with my psychiatrist now that is very helpful so I shouldn't really worry as much as I am about this other targeted treatment that is temporary. And, as you have suggested too, my struggle with the addictions themselves may be influencing how I'm viewing the relationship with the psychologist. Interesting that you have had the same experience of staring in therapy though, and a therapist who doesn't seem to know what to say when we've run out of steam. They are only human and fallible like all of us and I try to understand that as much as possible. But sometimes it's hard.

With the GP offering to prescribe medication to help, I will have a limited supply just to help me get through initial withdrawal. I have taken this medication several times before on a very short term basis without problems.

I think you mentioned in an earlier post too that you weren't really happy with your relationship counsellor. If that's the case it doesn't sound like the best place to seek out individual support. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you that Partners in Recovery is able to find a psychologist you like and whose assistance helps you.

@Former-Member Thanks for the hugs, the encouragement and your faith in me.

Your experience with the psychologist at uni sounds much worse than what I'm experiencing. So glad to hear that your psychologist now is warm, empathetic and helpful to you. An interesting idea about telling mine about how uncomfortable I feel with the silences. I think I could find a non-threatening way to say it if it keeps arising.

Good luck @Mazarita with persisting with therapy with your psychologist. Empathy is very important. Unfortunely not all mental health professionals have that attribute (expecially those who work in public hospital mental health wards!) I'm glad you have a good psychiatrist - is this the one that you did talk therapy with for 7 years before going on medication? It is very rare for a psychiatrist not to push medication I have found. The psychiatrist I found this year does some talk therapy with me I think - she asks a lot of questions & keeps urging "behavioral activation".... She did try to convince me to have ECT when I was last in hospital though... Fortunely she listened to my reasons for not wanting to have it (permeanent significant memory loss from ECT in 2006 & all the memories I had gained in between & didn't want to lose). She has helped me reduce the dose of antipsychotic (although at times she has increased the dose up for short periods of time & I had to tell her I didn't feel I was progressing). I need my living situation to be more stable before I reduce it further. There are plans in place, but I don't know when things will start happening again.

I'm glad you have found a good psychologist @Former-Member

It was another uncomfortable hot day here. I only had 5 hours of sleep at night & I couldn't get back to sleep during the day. I wanted to go run/walk/run/walk at the lake early this morning, but I was exhausted from inadequate sleep (for me). I finished reading another novel & this time the ending was perfect. I read The Language of Flowers in 2 days. I have now read 3 novels in 2 weeks! Even with the regular yoga & increase in a pleasurable activity (reading) I still feel I'm doing nothing.... I guess I'm still stuck comparing myself to people who have jobs and do the things I'm doing as well. Today I really wished I had a job to go to just to be in air con! I feed the kittens every day, try to keep their litter clean (although I feel really dirty afterwards, so I try to remember to check it before I have a shower), I go out with my partner - often having a decaf coffee (piccolo), grocery shop with partner, put groceries away, do my laundry (even managed to clean the sheets recently), I watch movies at night... etc. etc. & yet I have long stretches of nothingness - laying in bed - falling asleep for an hour or three... I'm really trying.... yet it doesn't seem enough.

Sorry for the rant...

I have yoga tomorrow & then an individual session with the lifeline counsellor. On Thursday I travel to the nearby capital city for an appoinment with my psychiatrist. I haven't seen her for three weeks. At the start of the year I could only afford to see her every month & then I reached my medicare levy & was able to afford to see her every fortnight. Sometimes however, she doesn't have the appointments when I need them. I'm not looking forward to the steep increase in cost to see her which is looming, as a new year approaches. On that topic I hate xmas & new year...

Sorry for another rant....

How was everyone else's day?

Hi @Former-Member

I think I was reading about everyone's warm weather online and almost headed out yesterday with not enough clothes on ... I am finally getting able to feel heat and cold and realised and changed from capri pants to long ones .. I needed them as I would have froze!

Yeah I know it is so important to stick to comparing ourselves only with ourselves ... like PB's from Little Aths ... that whole thing of not judging others by their advert reel and us by our everyday ordinariness.

Today I indulged myself with a lie in as I had been running around town for 2 solid days ... I had one student and enjoyed her and her nanna and the music we did ... did some wash and dinner and a singing prac ... so that feels reasonable even if I did get up late.

Is your living space settling down?

Hi @Former-Member

I have had the same comparative thinking this year. I've found it so hard to be at home and still feel as though i have purpose and that what i achieve is 'enough'. I think you've hit the nail on the head so to speak in suggesting that its the compasions themselves that are the problem. Each of us is unique and based in our own context/situation. What we can do one day is different to the next and is only really rational to our circumstances.

I'm glad that your psychiatrist is good, and sounds as though they listen. My psychiatrist is ok, and does seem to listen but I find it really hard to relate to him as its through telemed and it just feels weird talking to a screen, plus the power he has over my life choices scares me (ie. when and how i can return to work, his reports on me that go to fam court (which have always been positive but..) etc).

I also hate xmas and new year... so much unknown for us still, and its freaking me out. not sure about long term accomodation, or work (if i will be able to/allowed to go back/think i can cope with it!?! etc) my lil boy has been diagnosed with several things that all require support as well, (OT, Physio and Psychological and not sure how i'll afford it if i dont go back to work but not sure how i'll juggle that all and even just cope with appointments if i do go back!) aghhh!

Your post didnt sound like a rant... but even if it was i think that'd be fine. Its just good to get stuff off our chests.

LJ

@Former-Member

Thanks for your good wishes with the psychologist.

I hope you were never administered ECT without your consent. I'm afraid of that form of treatment too. I've heard about the memory loss before but I didn't know it was permanent. From what you've said earlier, it sounds like it wouldn't be a bad thing if your living situation changed. Something to look forward to perhaps.

The psychiatrist I'm seeing now is connected to a private mental health facility. I've been seeing him as an outpatient for about 5 months, once every four weeks. He bulk bills me which I appreciate enormously. He is doctorly and professional but I can feel that he cares about looking after me. We also talk about real issues in my life and he responds with what I think are wise perspectives and good suggestions. Talking about meds is part of it but I have accepted meds as a long term part of my life. Not saying I won't ever be able to get off them at some future time but more than anything I want to feel stable and relatively peaceful now.

Three novels in two weeks is good going. I've started reading again too, just small bits at a time. Partner bought me a random book, semi-romance fiction, about a female convict coming to Australia from England around 1800. I've not been able to sustain my attention for reading over recent years, though I've been avid with it at other times. I'm so glad the reading is coming back to me!

Comparing ourselves to others is definitely a downer that I have experienced many times too. Simply exploring what may be possible and achievable for us, within our own potentialities and limitations, may be a kinder way to go. I know this kind of thing can be easier said than done though.

I'm not a big fan of xmas but love new year. It's a time when I try to let go of the past and embrace a new beginning.

So it's only 9pm for me but I'm in bed and need to go to sleep but alas my mind is not going to co-operate yet.

I just want a break. A break from my mind, a break from reality, a break from life. I don't want to 'check out' of my life but I need a break. I just don't know how long I can keep going feeling such a lack of control of my emotions but at other times feeling empty and numb. I don't know why I feel the way I do and it just does my head in. How can I explain to others when I have no idea myself.

How can I explain to people that I struggle so much. How can I explain to people my diagnoses so they can have some insight when I can't even trust them with much lesser things. How can I learn to trust. How can I keep going feeling such a lack of control.

Hi @Billamba

I can relate to that feeling of needing a break. Some time to just let my head be still and preferably empty for a while just to not have to deal with anything! Life is hectic and has no pause button, but we can look after ourselves in different ways. Can you try to do some breathing or muscle relaxation? try some mindfulness and focus on the moment. When things were really bad for me a little while ago a counsellor suggested trying to 'think outloud' everything i was doing i.e. oh i'm wiping the table right now, make sure you get that spot, have i missed aywhere?, time to go back to the kitchen now and rinse out the cloth. What are the kids doing now? should i check on them?' etc etc etc and focus on each act and thought. It doesnt get 'rid' of the stuff in the background but it brings your attention to what you choose to focus on in the present.

I dont know how to really explain to people either. Sometimes i feel like i just want to scream that everything is way too much, but for me the consequences of doing that would be too hard on my kids.

I'm sorry, my memory is terrible, are you seeing any professional forms of support? it might be worth bringing upwith them the questions about how and who to tell stuff to, how much and what to expect/ask from those that you do tell.

The lack of control i think i understand, at least in terms of my own situation... things are so 'up in the air' at the moment and i'm just waiting for a lot of things, information, outcomes and have no control about any of it. makes things extra hard to settle...

here listening, and maybe understanding a little bit

LJ