Night Shift

Thanks, @eth. Enjoy your day too.

Its not night now ... but believe me my circadian rhthym has been topsy turvy for 30 years .... I liked reading about the 3 hours blocks ... @eth and @Mazarita

I will try and understand about sleep hygeine more ... but I am now realising that it has actually been enough to simply survive and not give myself a hard time for not sticking to artificial sleep routines

also I liked that @Former-Member wrote all her worst struggles to her psych by email ... what a great idea ... I dont know that anyone ever encouraged me to do something like that ... when I hear about positive that others have experienced I can use them in my life now ... even though I "missed" being told many therapeutic things because my therapy was always on a very slender shoe string ...

Hi @Appleblossom

It's true that sometimes all you can do is survive and go with the flow of what is happening. Difficulties show up differently for us all and at different times. A more regular sleep/wake pattern is important for me at this point. Living from dusk 'til dawn had cut me off from so much and turned me almost completely into a prisoner in my own home. That doesn't seem to be the case for you, with the artistic and other activities you do outside the home. The quiet night has always felt like a good time to be awake and artistic to me but I'm willing to try to sacrifice that for now in the hope of finding a sunnier sense of the world and my connection to it. As you can see by my fairly regular presence in here after midnight though, I'm not always managin to walk the straightest line.

I agree @Mazarita

Neither of us have walked a straight line ... and that is ok . I have enjoyed your company ... Night and Day

That is okay, isn't it? I'm sometimes not sure these days. It seems to make our lives more difficult for others to understand. That makes me feel sad at times. I like how we can be more ourselves here on the forum. I enjoy your company too, @Appleblossom.

I have had a lot of time to watch and observe how people who are in dominant positions can choose to be non-mainstream when it suits them

and non-boring when it suits them ....the responsiblity of parents to deal with kids' boredom was raised a bit in therapy etc etc ...

some seem to have the right to say what is ok to say publicly, or when the rules for it to be ok to sleep and when it is permissable to be awake.

I find it amazing how much SI I have had to deal with no help at all . and when it finally burst my dam ... my ex siad I was being manipulative about it. ... I was not ... I was trying not to self harm ... etc .... it is helpful for to read what advice the mods give others struggling on the forums aws I can reflect how often that was not available to me . and forgive myself and respect myself for what I have endured.

Hi @Appleblossom I went through a period of SI too and eventually made a serious attempt and was just barely saved by a dog getting someone's attention. The subsequent months were in and out of hospital and my child being cared for by others. Not much medical follow-up at all in my periods out of hospital. To be honest the saving grace for me was getting my child back with me and knowing how much I wanted to live for them. A lot of the time that was the only reason but it was enough. I had enormous guilt about what I had done and couldn't ever put them through that again. I find it still crosses my mind occasionally as an option but it's nothing like when I was convinced that it was the only option. I think you're doing an amazing job of giving life it's best shot with all your different activities and interests that you've mentioned.

Thanks @eth

We all manage things differently .... I appreciate having an older mum to talk about these things with.

My first personal thought of SI was when I was pregnant with my first child ... it wasnt really related to her but to all the actual suicides I was experiencing at the time .... I had been doing primal and very much into the life of the unborn child and natural birthing playing music for her etc at the time ,,, then I was horrified that I had damaged my child with my weak selfish thoughts.

I now realise that a few transient thoughts would not really have effected her ... but it did not go away. I also have manged to eeke out an existence for my son ... I doubt that is the reason for the breakdown of relationship with my daughter ...

Sounds to me like you have a good relationship with your son. Enjoying music together is special. You haven't told me much about things with your daughter. When mine was in their teens we had a really bad patch for a couple of years but now 9 years on we are really close and supportive of each other. We had to choose to forgive each other and prioritise having a relationship, but it took a long time. I was also estranged from my mother for many years (another story for another time perhaps) but we have also chosen to forgive and focus on the present not the past. It's still difficult sometimes but we get through it by reminding each other that we want to be connected now that we are getting older.