Night Shift

Hi @Jacques, how are you today ?

Hello @Appleblossom, @RoseRuby, @CherryBomb, hope you are having a good day

I buy an occasional Bickfords cordial or bottle of juice, but mostly we drink water. I drink a lot and seem to have feelings about not havng access to water as a child. So my water bottle is my grown up comfort object.

We werent rich enough to have comfort objects when I was young. When I first started mothering I was amazed at the concept.

As my issues with broken and insecure attachment were serious I accepted it .. but I see it as a way the over privileged bully those wth less ... the being able to take for granted these things. Parenting with stuff rather than love.

@Mazarita I read Carey's Bliss a long time ago ... maybe one day I wll read about the Kelly Gang ... but have been put off Carey as the uncle who "pushed" him was an American who came over here as an English teacher.

He was excited by it .. but I didnt find it as funny as him ... that uncle also put my ideas down ... scribbled red all over my writing ... not an acceptable practise these days ... there was a lot of ridicule of me and my family .. for me I was just grateful to know an educated person when I was going to night school. So I guess in modern parlance .. I just sucked it up.

Nowadays I am spitting some of what was rammed down my throat .. back. I apologise if any of my posts have triggered others. It is not my intention to trigger vulnerable people. Although I do admit wanting to question assumptions and look at life issues creatively, rather than takes things and people for granted.

:heart @Appleblossom, they say water is the best drink

Hi @Appleblossom,

Your posts don't usually trigger me but sometimes it's not easy to read your understandable anger about the past. I hope you don't mind me saying that there seems to be a lot of resentment still weighing on you. It can't be easy on you to carry that heavy burden. It seems like a terrible life sentence to me and not fair at all given the extremely painful experiences you have already gone through in past times.

I've never found anyone who can give me a really good response to how to release anger. Probably the best one I heard was from my psychiatrist of the time, decades ago. He said to 'do it slowly'. That's a bit vague and nowhere near a complete answer but has helped me a little along the way. I have to say though that anti-psychotic medication has been the most helpful thing of all in this regard. It's such a relief for me not to be so churned up with the anger inside and regularly blowing up at people, mainly partners, as I used to do. It was either that or (my other way of expressing my torment), endless crying. Then a desperate attempt to paint a picture of 'functionality' as much as I could to the outside world.

What a cruel cosmic trick it sometimes seems to me that those of us with trauma often carry it on inside us like this, sometimes then unintentionally damaging others with it along the way. Not saying that's what you have done but that's how it's been for me. Still struggling with it but in a quieter way these days. Hope the course of the day brings some happier thoughts and feelings for you.

Thank you @Shaz51 and @Mazarita

I dont mind honest responses that are part of an overall caring relationship.

I spent a while not realising I had anger or resentment ... trying to stop brother being violent .. eg throwing rocks at cars ... before he turned it in on himself or other beings ... then gettng in touch wth it in myself... as others said I had it though I didnt really feel it ... I think it was their guilt at not being able to relate to my circumstances. As in they were all having super whinges about their lives and I was often encouraging and positive. I wasnt in denial about my situation ... I just didnt know how the other half lived ... since my marriage I have been informed of that ... NOW I FEEL anger and resent ... mainly because of the loss of my daughter.

I know I have a lot of anger ... I try to deal with it and channel it appropriately. I dont flare up at people very often ... only a few times in my house over last 15 years. So it was telling that it happened twice with son's girl carryng on about her loving father, criticising anything that wasnt perfect, presuming I had not worked hard for what I have, whilst taking advantage of my generosity, music expertise and caring ... it triggered all the stuff from my step daughter... being used and rejected.

My exhusband wasnt really a partner ...I thought he was ... but his superiority issue went deep .. he used me .. he did bear some of my anger .. but I bore plenty of his in cynicism and manipulation. That is why I bring anger up to discuss it properly.

I suspect anti-psychotics would have helped me deal wth my anger .. as it churns around inside me.. but I cant seem to get anyone (doc/gp/psych) to think I am that bad ... though obviously whats left of my family does. Ha ha ... the implication is that the suicides were my fault ... lets stay away from her ... I havent really behaved badly to them but I suspect they feel guilty and are just protecting themselves in advance as they know they were selfish and irresponslble. If I had behaved like my brother hmmmm ... that would be a different story. I feel they deserve a wake up now.

I have been reflecting on an unwitting response I had to @Former-Member about ovens.

I think the word "excited" is also a trigger for me. What is fun, clean fun, drug fun, nasty humour, sexual fun. What should be drugged out of us. I am just so analytical about it all now.

Thanks

I also thnk I have unwittingly thrown up stuff at @PeppiPatty eg .. when she is talking about a nice place in WA and another one of my uncles lived there ... and I was triggered ... and up came stuff.. sorry @PeppiPatty .. that was not fair on you.

One of my problems is that most things people take for granted triggered me ... I had to move beyond constant tears ... I had children ... I wanted to give them a better life ... I had to stifle my confusion and pain ... I didnt have the words to make come backs verbally ... I am learning that now...

Then I started a little socialising and realised a large portion of the population doesnt give a damn how their opinions effect others ... they will utter them regardless ... I decided I needed to claim a bit of that.

My ex .. just came and went ... he implied that my son was not good as he was not ready on time .. that he had texted his change in plans ... to come half hour earlier ... puffing out smoke ... I defended my son ...gently .. Josh was honest about wanting to zone out ... the father is certainly not superior to us .. just came from privileged upbringing ... and was very resentful of his family I can tell you ... and all the social workers he got involved ... I tried to show him good things in life ... but my ears were bashed .. by everyone's else's problems ... which were relatively insignificant compared to my own.

Now I have to do some singing practise ... and electrician is coming again re oven.

Choir practise tonight.

Thanks for the rave .. I realise I have been raving ... trying to not implde or explode ... just keep on going ..

if I keep it short and sweet .. I get accused of being abrupt .. thanks for the company .. this thread and all its contributors has meant a lot to me.

@Appleblossom

I hope you go to choir tonight. You might have a giggly time.

i like this part of your message;

. I had to move beyond constant tears ... I had children ... I wanted to give them a better life ... I had to stifle my confusion and pain ... I didnt have the words to make come backs verbally ... I am learning that now...

Ive been taught that you need to get stronger to truly be a good parent. Doesnt matter what age you start but it's just important you do.

I'm not the cleverest lady on the block......lots of thongs are too much for me Apple. But your not.

Sorry if Ive been wrong on you. Dont you think tears are about .....healing you?

@PeppiPatty I went and I had a giggly time. isnt that great.

I agree with all the theory about feelings and tears and expression of anger etc... but it didnt work out well for me ... but maybe things would have been worse if I hadnt dont all that therapy ... so

I am tired and ready for bed.

I am sure you look plenty good in thongs ... peppi... lol

Thanks for being a friend.

DEar @Appleblossom

You have helped me a lot. You have taught me to ;

step back

hide from ......maybe in your face situations

And give it time. I think it's called not being reactive to everything. It's been really hard for me in my mother. I've discovered something that I have hidden from for a long time. It's like I've .....not beena able to let things go and you taight me that without saying anything.

Something wonderful happened for me today but I'm trying to digest what happened. I remet a Very good friend that I grew up with when I was very little. Actually, he was my parents good friend but he still was a very big influence in my life.

He kept on getting .......these painful head pains. He worked in Africa for many years and has his own ...stories but he wanted to meet me and apologise to me that he was never there for me.

But I came home and didnt ring me Mum like I usually would and tell her everything because she would rip me to shreds and tell me all my memories are wrong.