Hi @Former-Member ... 😊
It's difficult, certainly.
I had chosen to stay within an emotionally dysfunctional family and try to work through it, but it definitely took boundaries to keep the kids as safe as possible from the toxic effects. 😱
My way of doing that was to educate them early ... to talk about cause and effect, integrity, consequences .... and to let them know that apart from very extreme circumstances, we usually have choices regarding our behaviour and our relationships .... but we don't actually have control over what other people think, believe, and how they choose to behave - or react - if they don't really process info and just lash out to what upsets them instead. 😞
It appears to have worked. If anything tho, they are at risk of taking themselves out of the equation too much and giving away their preferences as "people-pleasers" .... but in one sense that's where their dad has been good at showing them how to step forward and take what you want from life .... and he still retains an integrity about how he does that .... for which I am thankful. 💗
It also means that at least the older kids have a fairly strong understanding about the affects of his current illness on his behaviour choices. The younger ones can't see so clearly. They were younger dragons when the personality changes began to happen and the illness became the driver .... 😔
Compassion is the key I think .... but that means having enough compassion for yourself to keep a guard up against toxicity. You need the protective layers. Sounds like a couple of the boys have worked that out .... and it's possible to keep saying it gently in the ears of the other two. Perhaps the brothers who "get it" will chat, or at least open up and answer questions for the other two. 💜
The dynamic of a larger family is like that. They tend to seek their adult siblings opinions too. Sweet when it starts to happen the other way as well .... older ones actively seeking the opinions of the younger ones ... 😏 .... but that takes a while ....
🌷💜
