Explanation for behaviour...??

Hi @Neelix

Thanks for your kind thoughts about my son - he has been gone for so long now - and when he was alive his behaviour totally drained me -

I will never get over it but I live around it and it is healing to me when other people tell me they care

Hi @utopia

I am so sorry about your son - I think he is 15 - and he is still living with your mother - that is so sad

My daughter went through a stage of shutting me out - it was about her brother - and she has never let me talk about it so she doesn't know what it was like for me - for him - and what can we do

The code of silence between the people in my family - and as Neelix has in hers - is really rough - and I knew your son had closed you down - I'm sorry - I thought you were talking with him again but not so

This has to be rough - I have never liked the silence of knowing or not-knowing - who does it protect?

I hope things improve for you - you have been in hospital so much this year -

Dec

Hi @utopia

I don't know much about your son @utopia - but my daughter has gone through spells when I have wanted to scream "Get outa your mood" because all her life she has been a moody little whatever - but then she can be wonderful too

So yes - "snap out of my mood" whether that's his, hers, yours or mine" - the teenage years are tough - and sometimes I wonder if my daughter has been out of them much

She can be so prickly that I tend to leave her to herself for long periods of time - leave it up to her 50% of the time and wonder where she learned to feel so entitled but then - having her brother die in her teens must have been horrific her - as it was for me - and it didn't help at all that she got so narky with me - is if it was my fault - ah kids

So - I guess mostly I am sorry that this is the case between you and your son - moody kids - feel so okay about closing us down - get so hurt about what we have no control over

For my daughter - I had a car accident and was in hospital when my son died - doped up on strong pain-killers and only allowed out of hospital for the weekend and the funeral and had strong tablets - I guess I was really off-the-planet - and I went back for a few days - maybe three

Later she told me that "my brother had died and there was no one there for me" - ah no!! - Did she think I was in hospital for fun? I will never know but the worse thing is that her father was there in person but in reality - emotionally he was never "there"

When our kids are teens they think they are the centre of the universe - and in their minds that seems to be true - but they cannot always see the whole picture - indeed if any of us can

So - I know teens are tough on us mums - I have no idea why - I guess they feel as if they have caused all the problems or something when they have not - or whatever they think - I don't know - we can only do our best

I know you have Utopia - and I also know you were unfairly injured in some way I don't know about at work and it has taken years to get this settled and now that it is I hope you can recover

My daughter has never wanted to talk much about things - like most of my family - and if your son won't either - I am really with you on this - but hopefully things will improve

It took time but things are better with me and my daughter now -

All the best for you my bird friend

Dec

Oh @utopia

I identity with what you say

He diesn't realise how easy it would be for me to stay away & not be his mother. I'm fighting this urge, all the time

I do identify with that - there were times when I thought that about my son - esp when he was in foster care and DHS kept interferring

I could write an essay on that -

I really wonder if kids realise how hard it is to be their mothers sometimes - and now you do all you can - you text, you call, you visit

Really - what else can you do? He doesn't want to talk about it - I really get how hard that is for you

Dec

Yes - I do understand @utopia

You can only do your best - wow - you are not a bad mother

You have been seriously ill for a long time

Who can say? Who can judge? What is a bad mother anyway?

No one knows what goes on behind closed doors and

And AND AND

With all her wealth, priviledge and position Queen Victoria was a terrible mother - I have been following documentaries and read a lot about her and her children - oh dear - there is something to study to find out something about a bad mother

And your son - like my daughter is a good kid - that's most important thing - you have done something right

Dec