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Things are coming to a head with my family. My mum has always suffered Anxiety / Depression / Severe Mood Swings (?Sz/Bipolar - secretive). Now what she fears has come upon her - terminal cancer on top. Shws not coping, and also dads carer (mobility issues and dementia stage 2). Mum has passed her 2yr medical prognosis date with terminal cancer and fought hard to hold independence.
Her MI is sooooooo difficult to work with. Sooo ambivolent about everything, anxious, can't make decisions, argumentative, suspicious, shuts down, cries, abuses, withdraws... Sucks trying to help. Dads care is failing too, she resents all the in home help I've activated with him this last few years I'm seen as the enemy for doing that, even though she can't. Last week dad actually asked me to come help "looks like mums having to go into hospital"
They never ask
Then I get this tx from mum this morning. "Feel crook k#####(me) hows your flu today if you can come down what form of travel you choose and how can you look after the birds they are a concern dont feel good today at all but the day is young yet might pick up"
I have respected mums fierce need for privacy but today I rang palliative care to see what's happening for her? They got her mix d up with another 'same name' patient. Then turns out mum has never beenbreferred to Community Palliative Care (which is why they didn't know her), but had her last Admission Notes referring her to Palliative Care Dr, she's been doing those visits but talks about dad not herself. Next visit ?12th.
Mum has lost 25% body weight, is weak. After talking with her and x3 nurses today (like hours), clarifying wrong contact details and complex family matters, I feel shell shot!
Honestly thought these things were in hand.
I'm gonna have to go down, but OK his time begrudgingly. I live 12hrs away, I have a sister & 3 bothers within 5 - 1hr away. They can't handle mums MI - she has legal rights++ but don't know what she's doing now dad can't take charge.
The palliative care cimmunity nurse can't act without that referral from the hospital Dr, so shell look at that and then ring mum... All maybies of cause. My heads swimming with it all, any wonder mum just throws her hands in the air saying "they don't care, I'm too old, they just want me to die"... "And you lot are selfish and just want to put me inva nursing home and forget about me, and you all care about dad more than me..." Then she crack a joke about something totally related, say "don't wanna talk anymore..."
OMG!!! my cPTSD & cGrief trigger alerts are all firing. Feel resentful. Want to go to bed 'till it goes away.
My son even said to me this morning "mum you know people have totally cut off parents for doing far less than they have done to you!" Suggesting I abandon them. How can I do that and stand before God (and myself) in peace? This is so hard!
In response to: Re: Mum Severe Anxiety / Depression +++
AppleblossomSenior Contributor
Re: Mum Severe Anxiety / Depression +++
Yes I understand how irresponsible talk about suicide can trigger and amplify problems. However with someone in my shoes it just meant I felt silenced about the most important topics to work through and discuss .. and nobody was really up to it ... even in clinical settings. So I looked after them and protected them of the true horrors I was dealing with by not raising it unless it was impossible to stop or a new pressing issue occurred. Now I am a bit angry that I was protecting workers in the field keep their pretty ideas about noce jobs in offices wearing nice clothes while my son had to see the real me in deep struggle.
Now I am a bit stronger ... I have begun challenging a lot more .. and so I do say .. where were the grown ups when I needed them? Its good they are here now.
Anyway it seems related to social change and I am lucky I am a survivor. It has been a very close call more than hundreds of times. Somehow I have managed to stay this side of an attempt. I have not crossed the line. Partly because of Anna Karenina. I thought she was immature, far more immature than my little brother or sister, who had much more difficult practical and moral conditions to manage. I respect my siblings choices as representative of their pain and not about hurting me, even though it did hurt me and many others a lot.
RIP
ALL SUICIDES
Especially my brother and sister and uncle, his brother and a few old friends.
In response to: Re: Mum Severe Anxiety / Depression +++
PeppiPattySenior Contributor
Re: Mum Severe Anxiety / Depression +++
Good song @Former-Member ........
you are supportive........
You know @Former-Member......my husband and me go to church.......we know we are'nt cool.........we are'nt going to get the award Australia for being the most well balanced people in Perth, Western Australia for at least two more years.
I was told at our church : the Pastors iwife and a good friend of mine : told me three or four months ago that you can tell Jesus that things are too hard. And give him your problems to resolve. I pysically "give,' them to him.
Jesus will sort it out for you.
I do this most of the time.
Blessings andcare to you @Former-Member xxx
In response to: Mum Severe Anxiety / Depression +++
Unknown userMember
Re: Mum Severe Anxiety / Depression +++
Here! Here! @Appleblossom, and i'd like to say a big RIP to my friend M### & all those lost to suicide. I know as you do Apple, as a survivor, that SI & suicide is mostly about escaping high levels of ongoing distress & emotional pain. I'm not sure I've reached that place you're at yet, being 'glad you're a survivor' but i am glad the distress has lessoned over time to a bearable level most days, and thus the SI screams are quieter. So here we are, we found each other and talkin 'real issues' without fear. Thank you too Appleblossom & Faith-and-Hope 🙂 As for professionals in their comfe offices & overpriced 50min hours... They mean well I'm sure but tend to burn out navigating a complex system designed to protect itself before those with MI.. But what would I know lol
@PeppiPatty, you keep showing up at church with all your perfect imperfections & honour God. Its what the Kingdom of heaven is about - being real about all our failures before God & walking each other home in humility 💜
@Former-Member, I avoid YouTube because I have limited data access, but thank you, I'll check it next I login at the library 💜
I haven't heard how mum is andctoo paralysed here on my couch to navigate trying to find out when I already know what theyrexgonna say and mum mocks my expressions of love. I have nothing to give atm.
Need to share a thought; I keep wanting to jump in my car and go to a chalet motel for the night, get away, out of the house indefinately, take in the scenery... But
This is also part of a #### i formulated years back, that doesn't end well :). So out of fear I stop myself enjoying anything and lock myself at home, freeze here on the couch with the TV on, trapped inside my home where I'm safest. I hope. Hope its ok to an I say that...
In response to: Re: Mum Severe Anxiety / Depression +++
AppleblossomSenior Contributor
Re: Mum Severe Anxiety / Depression +++
Listen to the strongest instinct for your own good. @Former-Member There are many people whose lives you have touched. I have had elaborate plans and then have to face them and the memories when they pop up when I had not planned it, but I am finding that ALL the REASONS are the mind churning and its way of coping and DOING THE GRIEF WORK.
I have been through hell in the last 3 months but now I have been offered an opportunity to do a solo with really good musicians which shows such respect. It is such a surprise and an honour. It is perfect for me becasue I am also very shy and dont like being exposed so will be the centre part in 5 part work. I kind of like being the rock and singing in the middle of the chord. They are also good people for my son to network with, so I just need to keep taking that next stop and watch the mystery of life unfold. A year ago I would have never dreamed it, but that goes for some of the not so positive stuff too. Yet the fabric of life is rich and I have to come to terms with that and try not to worry about what things might look like. Stick to what is.
In response to: Mum Severe Anxiety / Depression +++
Unknown userMember
Re: Mum Severe Anxiety / Depression +++
@Appleblossom, didn't realise your last 3months were so difficult, sorry. But this musical open door & acknowledgement must be a real boost. I understand the love of music you have. Hard to imagine you as shy though, but believe you. We're complex individuals. I can also relate to how you take things on to benefit your son, even if its a maybe :). We mothers have this instinct, and sacrifice. I wish you well with it, you'll do fine I'm sure. Smile, enjoy the moment.
Its 1:30am, I'm wacko, weird, mixed up, high then low. Badically all over the place. Just ate salmon on toast (missed dinner), wanna run out the street dancing but then reqlise thats dumb & pull myself back to the couch. Hand sewing is therapeutic so might do some mending shortly.
In response to: Mum Severe Anxiety / Depression +++
Unknown userMember
Re: Mum Severe Anxiety / Depression +++
Hey @Former-Member Don't know what to say, but am here sitting with you.
In response to: Mum Severe Anxiety / Depression +++
Unknown userMember
Re: Mum Severe Anxiety / Depression +++
Thanks @Former-Member, couldn't remember my last post, seems days ago, and no, I didnt race out onto the highway in my pj's dancing. Just pent up silliness, or borderline madness / dissociative episode... yikws! but control prevails. lol
The latest on my mum, I have a gut feeling she hasnt got long. They drained 9L this time (from ascites), she's talking about putting dad into residential care, this will break both their hearts, wish they'd go in together, mum is fused to that house, so sad as she can't manage it. My bro thinks shell haunt it and advises me not to take dad up on his wishes for me to come care for him there when mum goes. No way would mum want that me taking over her role of, how did she spit it at me "queen of the castle!" I don't have the fight for all that evil carry-on (sorry my dad😢). Back to mum, her overnight stay has stretched to x4 days now, she's crying a lot, they want to send her home today, wish my presence didn't trigger her 'woman vs woman' competative catfight... carry-on, i want to be with them through this, but not stressing her, being a trigger for inner conflict without trying, she's so threatened by me - way beyond what's reasonable & rational,/I don't understand 😢. Maybe its Gods way of saving me? Maybe mum deep down somewhere wants to protect me from it. Who knows. Maybe I am 'delusional' too, as she so often spits at me, I font know.
Knew baby bro was taking dad to visit mum today so rang his phone to talk to mum and sad (dad can't operate the home phone & mum won't take my calls), it was nice to hear dads voice and mums in the background, and bro4 (whose really stepped up for them 👍), mum was with physio but dad say a chirpy hello for me, think she was pleased at least - according to dads tone it seemed. She's probably telling him I'm not talking to her, she does that.
Wish you could hear my Bourke's birds chatting away, just lovely in the silence with the fan on. Must go for a walk today 🚶💜🚶🐦🚶🌷
In response to: Mum Severe Anxiety / Depression +++
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: Mum Severe Anxiety / Depression +++
Here and listening @Former-Member ..... I know it's hard ...... for me it's a mil like that. I know she cares, but can't get past the vindictive carry-on and competing mentality ..... so have to keep her at arms length. Must be so much worse when it's your mum. Keep your shield up and love her from behind it ..... and wish her well .....
💜
In response to: Mum Severe Anxiety / Depression +++
Unknown userMember
Re: Mum Severe Anxiety / Depression +++
I know thanks @Faith-and-Hope, good to hear it from someone else though. Its tge 'shield' thing I have trouble with. It penetrates before I know what hit me, and yes, still hurts. Having said that, its not uncommon. 💜
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