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Hi @outlander@Sans911

You're such good back-up here @Sans911 - you so often say the things I wish I had thought of

Outlander - you are not living in an environment that is helping you to flourish - it's like a flower trying to bloom in ground that has had all the nourishment taken out of it - and here you do interact well and you are kind and thoughtful toward other people here and I am not the least bored with the conversations -

People need to know they are worthwhile people from an early time in life and you haven't had that - it's hard for you to hear what people are saying here - and believe it - because the early voices in your life never gave you that feedback and that continues

The only way to find your place in the world is to get away from the toxicity of the life where you are now and I know you have a plan to continue to care for your Pop in his house and yet you are just given a hard time but other people there and you are not thanked - just yelled at when you don't do it to someone else's demands - and you do so much -

I think you have had a hard time fitting in since you were young - and this is not your fault - I have not heard of DBT until recently but this is where you can learn and get peer review -

These things will happen - you have too many free-loaders in your life right now but yes - the world is out there waiting for you - atm you are trapped and this is not your fault

And you have to get past all this cancer stuff first - I was so screwed up for a few days when I thought I would have to have a knee replacement - you understood this - you seem to get on with older people and this is a plus

The world is out there waiting for you Outlander - I really think you will overcome many things when you are able to get out there - things are not always easy in the world but I really think you have faced many things in the last months and overcome them - and nothing you have done has been a waste

I am quite okay being here for you - you have never stressed me out or bothered me in any way - and you are about me too - you are about other forum members - you do contribute

If you can do this in the on-line world - then this is really good practice for life in the real world

Don't give up - never give up - I am actually glad you cried last night - that would exhaust you I am sure but that release can only be good for you

Hugs - Dec

@Owlunar

I like the flower analogy you used, makes for easy understanding in this jumbled brain of mine today. I really wish things were different. It doesn have to take away my mental health issues or the physical issue, just something to change. I cant wait for my mother to move out. Im hoping thatll be the break and thing I need. I know ill still have to do a lot because mum works etc but at least I can leave them to their own life as well. They are a lot happier without me. When im not at home they are so happy and when they arent around me they are really happy, I hear them after being out as they walk towards the door the laughter and happiness and when they walk in and see me it stops. They say hi and walk away. Or they continue thir happiness but say nothing to me.
It makes me feel-well I guess you can get the idea.

I know I have to get through the cancer stuff first- I hate that word. And it has taken a lot of out of me. I think the waiting is the worst part. And yes I understand how you feel, I often assoviate with older people better than young people.

Lets hope that what ive been doing isnt a waste, I just feel boring. I mean my life seems exciting to others because im always busy but its not the good kind of busy. I dont enjoy doing anything anymore at all. My mother and sisters are excited to be coming home and to see her. Im not excited at all. Does that make me a bad person? I feel like I should be excited but Im just not.

I like being here for you, and im glad nothing ive said has distressed you or bothered you. I always feel like im bothering someone. I feel like a looser, a broken record that never changes. Im trying to change but I just dont seem to be getting anywhere.

Dont worry the tears are coming back up now that ive realeased all this.

Hi @outlander

Thanks for the feedback - it is always good to know when what I post is helpful - this is something you do often and this is a good thing

It will be good when your mother moves out - it doesn't seem to make sense that your family hates to have your around when you are so necessary to the running of the home - in fact I remember you saying once that your mother told you that everyone was relying on you - so that's really weird but I had something similar - just similar - with my mother and to this day it makes no sense

I was honest and obedient but also rebellious - I argued back and my mother couldn't stand this - I had more education and I am a lot more intelligent but I argued and made things worse for myself - so I get what you are saying - and like - what are we supposed to do with that?

It must be so bleak for you living this way and in so many ways I identify with you and the way it is with your mother - but enough about your mother - I just say what I see and I think I have battled many of these issues myself and I had a sense of myself - my mother tried to knock this out of me but never succeeded - and yes - I really get it

Your life always moving on and your continually make efforts to improve but the stressors in your life make this impossible - I really believe you will do better when you are able to make it alone and that is always hard to start - but it works - I am here to tell you that it does and I have lived alone for longer than your lifetime - this is a good reference - it can be done and it doesn't all happen at once - but I believe it is better than your life now

btw - when I was a child I had dreams of running away from my parents - nightmares - and in waking life I did not understand why they wanted me to be with them when I could not seem to please them no matter what I did - had I not had a strong sense of myself I might not have come through it and lived a successful life I am still living

So I do believe the future is there for you - it will take time

I am sad for your sake your life is the way it is but it has never been too much for me - I am interested and feel an affinity with you - I care a lot and think of you even when I am not on-line

I do see a future for you - it's just hard for you to get there but I have a strong belief that in time you will

And you will flourish like that flower in a better environment - and I hope I am here to see it

Dec

@Owlunar

all posts are helpful sometimes they make me think. It might nit click in the first time but eventually something will come and have a lightbulb moment.

I really just think that the biggest change will be that move. I think itll solve a few things and just make life that bit easier. They were telling me im relied upon when I went into hospital the first time because they didnt want to take time off work. Before my phone went flat they were telling me to stop attention seeking and they will help me and that all this is a load of bull crap blah blah blah. They hate me Dec they really do and I dont think ill ever be able to stop them from hating me. Ive sat in my car not wanting to come home more times than I can count.

Ive thought about it in more ways than one to run away. They werent just dreams. I travelled a long while in my car and didnt want to come back at all. Stupid idiot why didnt I stay away, then I might not be like this now but then again in the states ive been in I might not have been here at all.

Sometimes I dont know why I stay. They would be better off without me. I really do believe that.

Im sure youll be around when it happens. I think next year if theres no sign of my mother moving out I need to do something even if it means buying a caravan and despite it being in the front yard its my escape.

@Former-Memberbella said:

Hi @outlander, I have been praying for you & all your concerns about your life. Your experiences & lifes journey so far is/has not been what has given you the ,& emotional healing that you, & all of us need to experience the reward of just being alive. True inner well being is what you need in your life, not leaving out the much amazing Medical, & MH professionals, & their knowledge & love they give us all, when ever called upon.
I thought to myself how much I wanted, & even needed your friendship, when I first met you in Forum. You came across to me, as a lady (you are not a child, not in my eyes) -that loves life, loves family, & loves animals, loves drawing, & has so much responsability. I never imagioned that you could even have a Mental Health Issue, to be truthful?
I wanted to be apart of your life in some way, as being in Forum it seems impossible to take friendship any further than in this forum, without even seeing who I found a to be appealing to me as a close friend. When I realizsed you were hurting deeply, & so heart rentchingly I just wanted to go & met you in person, & be there for you as the friend off this forum that you may never have had before?
I'm not drawn easily to people in a deep & trusting way, as I've been hurt so many times, all my life by friends in relationships, & blood related family, whether they meant it, or not? When I care, it comes straight from the heart, idol words are not where I come from. When I say I care, I mean it 100%, now the reason for this long letter to you, is because I want to help you from my heart because I care!
You have been feeling like you have no true direction in life, like you not good enough, that your life is stagnant & even empty, maybe my words but that's what comes across to me? I am sudgesting an area that you would be 100% suited for, I see it in you, you would be wonderful in this area of life style & work. What I have in mind is Mental Health, now it's not over night right @outlander. There are many areas of Mental Health to work towards being a part of that you could be used to, love & help people back to good health.
You could start off Volunteering at a Rehab Centre, just being there, making lunches, cleaning up, making hot drinks for the Nursing Staff. Cooking hot meals for the Clients, lots of things as well as what I've typed? There are always trained staff with a kind ear & heart to listen to you should you need them. That's their job GOD BLESS their precious hearts, sometimes they have bad days & need it for themselves, they are afterall just people, like us too. Where I worked to be truthfull the best workers are client workers as they have empathy & true understanding, & would welcome you like a sister.
As you progress & work your way up, they will train you, & you get paid for your services. You may even get asked would you like to go train at the UNI, on campass & when you are finished learning have a certificate & a Title before your name & be blessed with a High Paid job? Why, just because you have the right heart, which was born from adversity, & pain. Well it's food for thought Claire, & it's real & can happen for you, believe me I know 100%.
How do I know all this? because, it's my journey Claire, that's what I see in you, me, the me, that made me who I am today. Someone that was able to be there for so many people that needed, someone like me, just to love them, & at least try & understand there pain, with the right attitude, & heart.
I luv U
Bella XO

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3NycM9lYdRI&index=2&list=RDaXYtJB7Qslk

Dear Bella

youve really caught me 'off guard' I really dont know what to say to all this.

I wish I could meet so many people on here that have come to be my family. Its just not possible. You bringing this up has actually reminded me of something. I remember when I forst started talking to you your origninal post got removed as it said your location. Im actually only 2 and a half hours away from where you are. I dont know the rehab centre but there was a mental health one that I was suppsoe to go to in your area but I declined it because of its length of treatment for medications etc. but enough said about that but I just wanted you to know that.

Life hasnt been easy for me and a lot of what I say here esp about the SA no one knows about offline. They hardly know me at all a walking figure to them. I feel like a total looser.

I love your friendship and I am very grateful for it. And you are helping me. Your with me in spirit and that is enough because I cant unfortunatley meet you though. I would love to.
Funnily enough I was looking into working in the mental health area but I think its best if I stay away from that area for now at least until im more mentally stable. I want to help others but I can hardly help myself at the moment.

Im sitting here in agonising frustration and upset because im so limited in what I can do and will be able to the net few weeks until surgury it over and the next lot of surtures are to be removed.

I cant understand how much of a failure I am Bella. How at 20 I am having cancer surguries. How I can be this screwed up with no family support or friends. I have no enjoyment for animals anymore either. I love them but I just dont find anything enjoyable anymore.

I love you too. xoxox

p.s your family too. you can pick your own title. ive got 2 nans so far a very close sis and a few other sisters too but the forums are my home and are my family regalrdless of title or no title.

Lots of love to you Claire @outlander

I don't think life is shite, I think some people create circumstances that are, and I don't think those people can control it.

I'm sending you a rainbow, sparkling and bright, to colour in the fading zest - I know what a good artist you are and that when your able you will create a masterpiece

Niqua