BUBBLES WORLD :)

we live near a RAFF base and we get to see all sort of things

may be triggering!!!!!!!!!





im borred so im going to write about me and my mental illness.

so here we go.......you dont to read it.... it up to you.

so im a 32 year old woman who suffers from PTSD, cluster B, but mainly BPD, major depressive disorder with psychotic episodes, agoraphobia and anxiety.

i was dignosed with PTSD ,depression, agoraphobia and anxtiety when i was just 16.

the rest has just been about 4 years ago.

i was brought up in a very violent home with my dad being the violent one. then from 12 to 15 i was being sexully abused.

by then i hate my life so much and i ALWAYS wanted to die. i didnt want to be here. i hated myself , my body, and everyone around me. i hated everything. i just didnt want to be here. i was always trying to ki ll myself. i did everything i could to make it work..... but it never did work. (as you can , im still here)

i had nothing to live for. i just wanted to be dead and thats all that mattered to me. my poor mum was always looking for me coz i would go missing for days ,hide in the bushes, self harming or trying to die.

she was so worried all the time.

i was drinking heavly, taking drugs and smoking at the age of 15. i didnt care about my body , i just wanted to destroy it. i hated my body. i hated that i had to live with it.

as i was getting older i was getting more into drug side of the world and no one could find me. mum always through i was dead.

at the age of 19 i had been seeing this guy for 3 years. i worked with every day but one day i found him dead in his bed. that was the end of me. i couldnt handle life anymore. I WAS GOING TO DIE. i tried and i tried but it never worked.

a year after i met my hubby. he saved me sort of. i was still an alcohoic. i had 3 kids while i was still an alcoholic. (yes, i know , that is really bad of me ) but they are happy and healthy kids luckerly.

iv only become sober the last 2 years. which im very proud of. it took alot of hard work. being an alcoholic for 15 /16 years and trying to stop was very hard work.

at the beginning of this year i try to end my life.

i took them while my kids and hubby were in the house.

i was in a indused coma for a week. i woke up hating what i had done , what i could have left behind, my kids, my hubby and the rest of my family. i really hated myself.

when i woke up they put in the mental health ward for a week with no meds. i couldnt sleep.... i was going nuts.

BUT

it gave me so much time to think about what i had done to myself and others around me.

how could i hurt other by doing this to myself. just 'how could i'. they dont deserve to go through this. it was selfish of me to put my family through this AGAIN.

when will it stop. it has to stop now, i thought.

i no longer self harm

i no longer want to die,(sometimes i get suicidal but deep down i dont want to die)


i have had a tough life. i still hate me. i still hate my body.

but

my aim is to get better and love me for who i am

i dont know how long that will take

but

i will get there



thankyou for reading

Hi @Bubbles3,

I have no idea what it means to have a low oxygen level because I have no medical expertise at all. However, I see that you are thinking you might die. Given that thought, what do you think might be most helpful for you to do right now?