Taking the plunge

Nice to see you @Bunniekins 💚 You're a super early bird! Hope you enjoyed a walk if you have been on one this morning.

Definitely crashy for me yesterday @Maggie. The tired times a lot and the piling up. I don't even know where to start with the house now.

This is two parts as ⬇️ is long and might be tricky. I am sorry if it is.

In the afternoon Middle was triggered by needing to miss out on something at school because they can't have a visible online presence. They lost it. We spent a couple of hours having deep and meaningful chat about it which I think helped, but far out it's hard. They had pieces missing from when we left our old life that they were too young to have filled in at the time. Some was filled in last night. It's one of the trickiest thing I deal with with them I think. Knowing how much to say and when, reassuring them it wasn't their fault, letting them be angry at me, holding space for their huge pain without sinking in the big-ness.

One of the pieces was about when we left. I'd been working with the police for a couple of days and I was shattered, living in a whirlpool of trauma and absolutely terrified. The police and family violence service told me to think about needing to go into crisis accommodation and I resisted it until I couldn't cope anymore. Once I said OK it happened so, so fast. I didn't know how long we'd be away, where we were going, what it would be like, what was happening... The crew were with our people and on my way to pick them up I stopped past our beautiful, once safe home, threw as much in the car for the crew that I could and picked up the furballs to be looked after. It was getting quite late at night and I didn't know what to tell them. I didn't want to scare them so I said we were going on a holiday. I had no idea that we wouldn't be allowed to go home again, that they'd never be going to their school again or sleeping in our house again. A few days later I told them it wasn't a holiday but it's a lie that Middle hasn't been able to understand and has been angry, really angry and understandably so, at me for since. They bring it up often. If we have talks about lying and the importance of telling the truth, Middle brings up " that time you told us we were going on a holiday". It's super painful. I get it and they have every right to be angry but I know things that just can't. Pieces that I hope they never have filled in.

Our chat helped them and they got out some huge feelings. We had popcorn and maltesers and fun after it and they went to bed feeling OK. I had messed up, tangled up nightmares and am feeling raw this morning.

:pile_of_poo: that was a big vent. I hope it is OK that I shared that. No need to reply.

I am sorry you are going through that internal unrest @Maggie. Curious as to what it is that you're getting wrong, if you feel like sharing.

I guess in a way your inside crew kind of might have some similarities with Miss Middle. Tricky behaviours and words that are seeking pieces of a puzzle. Perhaps which on the surface might seem hard to understand but underneath is really more to do with exploring and expressing it all with someone safe. I could be wrong there though.

Either way, it sounds seriously tough and unsettling to be experiencing that. I can see how that might feel like breakdown not break through. Huge, huge love 😔❤

Awesome to hear that you have a friend close enough to walk with even once she's moved @Bunniekins. I imagine you might miss her being your neighbour.

Hope you have a pea-ceful day 😊