Taking the plunge

@Former-Member

@Zoe7 You said the hardest roads to walk are those we cannot see, so very true. Trusting each faultering step, and the slow exhausting journey. I was touched when you said the words...walking with you....as I know so well some of the struggles you have in your own daily walk. Walking with you too @Zoe7 even when you can't see me. This poster says it very well.

@CheerBear Your response came through not long after I posted, and though there are no expectations, a response is so greatfully received. You have a way with words, even when it's hard to get them out. The avoidance and anger are yes, part of the journey, and though they appear to be a step backwards, I'm thinking its inching forwards. Sending warm thoughts your way, hoping today is a little better.💞🐾💕💜☀️☀️☀️

@Former-Member Knowing others have confidence in me helps me tap into it within myself. Yes I know it's going to be rough, but that's not news to me, you and everyone here on the forum. I do know there will be the deepest pits, but I know there will be sunrises and sunsets also.

You have always expressed appreciation of my songs. Truely greatful for that as it takes courage and heartache to post them. I hope today has some smiles for you. Warm thoughts always.🐾🐾💕💜💛💕💜

@Faith-and-Hope I had no idea what I was to uncover by looking at anger. My first reaction was to go looking for other reasons for depression, something that felt more familiar. I did find a few, inherited and chemical imbalance, and yes boxed were ticked. But the uncomfortable feelings rubbed and I felt the need to scratch. I sat and began to write a song, one of the ways I find easiest to express myself. Three pages later with anger staring me hard in the face, not just anger, but bitterness, something I hoped I would never have, but there it was, a fine healthy plant.

I have known for some time, possibly a lifetime, that I have barbed wire wrapped around my heart, for protection,but I had no idea there was a vine of bitterness, healthy and strong. Looking at anger I have said before, it's like facing a stranger in my own skin. That's a funny statement for someone with DID, as many share one body. But the presence of anger is external, not internal.

I have picked up a few gardening skills in the past year, and I have different tools for different needs, like superficial roots or deep ones. It looks like I will be doing some gardening on my heart. It's a draining process, these last few days felt like I was going through a wringer over and over.

I spoken to my counsellor on the phone this morning, shared my song, her words... " I'm proud of you ". I guess in the tiniest of ways, I'm proud of me too. Not a familiar feeling as I'm more into self punishment.

Thanks for listening. You are a fine human being @Faith-and-Hope always hold on to that.

I am so pleased for you @Maggie (proud of you) ..... but I know this progress comes with stripes ..... “earning stripes” ..... cos it’s way not-easy .....

Any incremental progress is worth gold, which is what you are feeling ...... and finding and recognising my own bitterness plant, then vocalising that it was there, was just the start of a long, hard work to dig it up by its big ‘ol tap r%t .....

There is another big ‘ol tap r%t of something else embedded in our family, and your words are very comforting for me this morning ...... I had a girlfriend berate me heavily last night for not walking away from this one ..... incredulous at the thought that I am deluding myself that we can dig this one up ..... but I think that is where we are headed, to try, in any case ......

Rather than crumbling at her words, I have pondered them overnight, and have decided on a way to increase our support and dialogue over this new-old tap r%t and what to do about it ..... whether it is safe for us to remain and fight from within its influence.

Sorry it’s so cryptic ..... it’s a familial personality disorder at the core of our broader issues apparently, and whether to try to pull together as a family to have it revealed, diagnosed and treated, or whether to leave and weather the fall-out is what is in question. For my girlfriend the choice is simple and not-negotiable.

Methinks I need more professional input to making that decision because it affects the kids’ choices too.

@Faith-and-Hope I'm so hearing you. You will know when to pull and when to let go. It's never simple, never.💕💜💜💜☀️☀️

Thank you @Maggie ...... ❤️

So often it's the silent tears

That really go unheard

They are the deepest sobs

One can't put into words

It's not that no one listens

It's not that no one cares

Sometimes these are the deepest tears

The ones that can't be shared.

@Maggie