Taking the plunge

Hi gorgeous @Maggie ....... 👋💐💕

I am so glad you have thought about this and have opened it for discussion ....., I was a little afraid in the moment that it would come across as blame ...., blame for building anger walls ....... but it is no such thing. Anger walls are insidious. They begin to build themselves through exactly that ..... turning inwards.

So here is more of my story .....

The first thing I needed to understand was that I was angry. I didn’t see myself as an angry person, so the mention of this was as confusing to me as it was to you ...... and it can take a little while to get your head around it ...... to see it for yourself.

The next question that raised itself was why I was angry ...... what makes a person angry ...... are they just a discontented person lashing out at others around them ? In my experience, no. Something causes us to respond with anger ......

So the next question becomes about whether the anger is justified ...... is the cause of anger real or imagined ? Is it a result of catastrophic thinking ? If so,, then those things need to be opened and explored as to why that is happening.

In my case it was real. I was being severely bullied and controlled through passive-aggressive behaviours, and this was foreign to me. I felt helpless and in bondage to it, and my natural reaction to that was anger, because apart from my situation being insufferable, there was going to be great personal cost to my relationships to overturn this abuse ...... which was both very painful and very frightening. I had young children to protect / provide for, and it was clear my reality would change dramatically if things went pear-shaped, and fast.

So having identified the anger and recognising it as justified ...... what then ? Expressing that anger cane next ...... and that step doesn’t have to be a make or break to your situation in the moment ...... expressing anger, anonymously here in the forums, is one way to get it out ....... and getting it out, letting it out, is how you keep it from turning inward and harming yourself with it ...... because even in its depression form, it’s insidious. You can’t see it coming very well.

Part of my counselling involves expressing to the counsellor exactly how I felt about the person who was inflicting this behaviour on me ...... and I couldn’t ...... I couldn’t voice it. So a “proxy” helped me. A friend who had come to the counselling session with me was asked to put her arms around me from behind (I was sitting on a chair) and speak for me ...... which she did, close to my ear.

She spat vitriol towards my abuser ..... she swore and ranted about the behaviours I had endured and what it was doing to me, to my relationships, to my family ...... and how dare they ??!! How dare they ??!! And I hoped they suffered as a result of what they had done ......

At first I started giggling with shock and embarrassment ...... thinking that that wasn’t me ..... I wasn’t like that ..... I didn’t think ill of anyone ......

Oh yes I did !! This was holding up a mirror and I saw myself in it ...... I was furious ...... and my anger had turned to bitterness, and from there it had turned to hate ....., I hated this person !! I burst into tears and cried and cried.

I cried for my losses. I cried for the damage done. I cried for what had happened to me and what I had become to myself as a result ....,, but I knew through the tears that this was a release from all that anger, bitterness, hate and regret ...... and that I would be able to start taking the baby steps necessary to resolving my situation.

And that involves stopping the abuse in its tracks. That involves speaking my truth quietly and clearly, raising boundaries, standing my ground, speaking out about things that exist and thrive in dark and ignorant spaces ...... and if it meant that I lost my marriage in the process, and my kids would suffer through divorce, well they were suffering anyway ...... and it was changing me as a person, my values, and that was not to be ...... !!!

There was help out there and I was going to find it.

We went through some torrid times in the sorting of it ..... but we got there, and have had some amazingly wonderful times. We have amazingly wonderful baby dragons too.

Then this new tsunami hit ...... and I have had some skills and experience in trying to manage it through what had come before. This part I have the forums for. This part is a far more complicated web. Come hell or high water, we will get through it .......

Thanks for listening @Maggie ..... I hope the telling of it helps you in your journey.

💜💐

Hugs @Faith-and-Hope Xxoo

Yes @Maggie ..... that’s what it was like ......

Hugs and hugs ......

Here for you ......

❤️❤️❤️

Do you have a counsellor to talk it over with @Shaz51 ?

A counsellor gets to know you as a part of working with you, and can help you work that out, answering questions, supporting you, and helping you find ways to deal with it all.

If you don’t have a counsellor, speak with your gp and ask the questions that are coming to mind for you. MI affects both the carer and the cared-for ..... it is a shared commitment, but it means that both need support and nurture.

Some people are self-carers because nobody else is in that immediate carer role for them, and that matters ..... it’s all the more important to reach for support services.

Hugs ...... 💜