Purgatory

My life is purgatory. I can't make it better and I am not allowed to leave it. I've been self-harming overnight...my head hurts. It's the only thing that gives me relief. I feel such hate and frustration building and after I hurt myself, for a little while, that energy goes away, until I start thinking about everything I am doing wrong. I lost a heap of weight, now I have gained some back. My clothes don't fit so now I have to go out in shabby old tights...my old fat clothes. I said the wrong thing in a class yesterday. My mother is demanding, bitter, depressed, fragile and a misery to be taking care of. I don't have enough money to meet my bills so I don't answer the phone cause its the banks.

I don't want to live. I really mean it. I am done. I just want to go to therapy on Friday and tell my therapist that I am quitting therapy cause I'm going to end things...not immediately, in the weeks ahead. I won't though, cause I am a coward on top of every other fault I have.