@Littletink_ wrote:
@Former-Member I guess what I’m trying say is that I need help and guidance on how to step back in a nice way
Hi @Littletink_
You are not pathetic at all. I found myself in the beginning doing and feeling the same. But you are right that she needs to stand on her own two feet. With us being too nice only enables them to do nothing to help themselves and this will not help them in the long run. Being too nice will see us being used (I know this from first hand experience). We need to do "the right thing", the right thing to do in the situation that's best for all persons involved, - in your situation it's to encourage her through stepping back too help herself and to look after your own health, well being and to regain a life for yourself also. You are only stepping back asking her to clean up after herself, how is that harsh? Keep telling yourself all the above when you feel you are being harsh (which you aren't), or wearing down in your resolve. The first few months is the hardest until they realise you are serious and won't budge.
Regardless how you step back at first they will either protest or won't believe we mean it, your partner does not want to change or do anything so she will react - whether we do it gently or otherwise. That was in my case anyway. It's just a matter of gently telling her what you intend to do and not let yourself be talked around or manipulated. And then do it and not budge through any type of emotional manipulation. There is "no other way". Stand your ground.
If she protests it is not you not being nice - she is being unreasonable by not wanting to help herself. Keep this in your mind when or if it happens. She is now set in unhealthy ways and needs a wake up call to help her to get out of bed. It's not like you are asking her to do unrealistic goals - just cleaning up after herself etc to start with, to help around the house. Mental illness is not an excuse not to do this - even in hospital (private) they are encouraged to get up and join in things whilst having a breakdown.
The way I stepped back was I just told my daughter that I am not cleaning up after her anymore or doing her laundry, washing her dishes, etc. Full stop. There is not another way to do this but be upfront stating it politely. Stating things have to change now. And then I also stated that she would have to get up and go and buy her own meds etc. And left her too it. That was the first step. And as a result she had dirty clothes, and her room was trashed. I just let it stay that way. I need ran around after her. If she wanted something up the road she had to get it. After a couple of months she knew I was serious.
This prompted her to get up. She was not very tidy but started to do some things and went out down the road etc. She at least got out of bed (I told her gently she also had to stop doing that all day after a certain period). And over a matter of time she became more self reliant. Her mental health strengthened. She did this after threatening to SH etc. I just stuck to my guns but she knew I would always be there for her lovingly, just not as a slave to her anymore, doing things she was capable of but didn't want to do.
She now lives on her own and is very tidy "because she has to be". The latter is the key - if they know we will do it for them they will "never change" or do anything for themselves. This is not good for them.
And we deserve a life too. I hope you are making time to go out, relax and do things that matter to you or you enjoy. You deserve to be nurtured as well otherwise in time you will burn out and your mental health will decline. Time to take a stand for what is best for both of you my friend.
I would strongly advise to seek the guidance of a counsellor or psychologist whom has experience with what you need to do in these circumstances - or contact "carers for the mentally ill Australia" in your state and speak to someone and ask for help with doing the above.
