Mindfulness "What" Skills: Describe and Participate.
Good afternoon DBT adventurers, 
Hands up who can remember where we were up to in our DBT adventure? Given it was LAST YEAR that I wrote the last installment, I will forgive you for not remembering (plus I may possibly have had to read back on the thread to remind myself where we were up to!).
So, a quick recap. We are looking at the first DBT module, which is mindfulness. Linehan identifies three "what" skills (i.e. what we do in mindfulness) and three "how" skills (i.e. how we do mindfulness). In my last summarizing-the-DBT-manual post, we looked at the first "what" skill, namely observing. You can read that post here.
In this post, I'm going to look at the two other "what" skills and then next week I plan to cover the three "how" skills. Of course, based on my track record to-date, when I say "next week" that could mean that the next post is anything up to a month away!
The mindfulness skill of describing.
Why describe?
- Describing involves putting into words that which is observed. The benefit of describing a phenomenon is that it helps us to distinguish between what we are actually observing and our thoughts about what we are observing. For example, suppose your partner arrives home late from work on the night you had planned to go out to dinner together. In such an instance, it can be easy to have thoughts such as; my partner doesn't even love me enough to make sure they are home on time. However, this is a thought ABOUT the event rather than a description of the event itself. An accurate description of the event would simply be, my partner is late getting home.
- Describing events to other people gives them the opportunity to correct or validate our perceptions and descriptions.
- Writing down descriptions of our observations allows us the chance to observe the information. That is, when we write about something, the very act of writing often helps us to process what we are observing.
- Research has shown that when a person labels and describes their emotions, this in itself helps to regulate emotions.
Describing: What to do
NOTE: If it wasn't observed, it can't be described.
When describing an observed phenomenon, the aim is to stick to the facts. Now...I am a bit stuck on this next bit, so I'm hoping some of you are going to help me out. According to Linehan (2015), although we can observe and therefore describe our own internal experiences (e.g. I observe a feeling of sadness arising), we can only ever guess or make assumptions about what others are thinking.
I totally understand and agree with this. However, what I don't understand is how this concept fits with the concept of theory of mind. That is, it is often said that people with autism have a poor (or totally lacking) theory of mind, meaning they can't "mind read." But isn't Linehan saying that NOBODY can mind read? That is, that people can only ever guess what another person is thinking? So...isn't it better to not guess at all, than to make guesses which are likely to be incorrect?
I know I DETEST it when people try to tell me what I am thinking or feeling. One of the situations where I often experience this is if I go into crisis in response to something that someone says. The person will often tell me "you just don't like what I have to say." That is simply not true. If you say something and in response I drop to the floor and start screaming and self-harming, it isn't because I don't like what you said, it's that an intense trauma-related memory has been triggered in my brain by whatever you just said.
Another area where I super notice this is in the tendency for people to describe the behaviour of others as being "manipulative." This is a bit of a hobby horse of mine - you can read about that here. I find it intriguing that people think they can "know" that another person is being manipulative. Linehan addresses this issue on p. 191 of the DBT manual where she explains that the statement, I feel manipulated often gets translated into, you are manipulating me. It is perfectly legitimate for someone to describe their own internal experience of feeling manipulated, but this does not mean they can then infer that the other person is being manipulative. No one can observe the thoughts, feelings, or intentions of another person.
Questions.
Can you think of any times when someone has told you what you are thinking or feeling?
Can you think of times when you've told someone else what they are thinking or feeling?
Practice Exercises for Describing.
These exercises are taken from Mindfulness handout 4B in DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets (Linehan, 2015, p.58).
- Lie on the ground and watch the clouds in the sky. Find and describe cloud patterns that you see.
- Find things in nature (e.g. a leaf, a drop of water). Describe each thing in as much detail as you can.
- Describe what a person has done or is doing now. Be very specific. Avoid describing intentions or outcomes of the behaviour that you do not directly observe. Avoid judgmental language.
- Describe your feelings as they arise within you. For example, "A feeling of anger is arising within me."
- Describe your thoughts when you feel a strong emotion. For example, "I feel X and my thoughts are Y."
- Describe thoughts, feelings, and what you observed others do. For example, "When you do X, I feel Y, and my thoughts are Z."
The mindfulness skill of participating.
The third mindfulness "what" skill is participating. According to Linehan, "participating is entering wholly and with awareness into life itself, nonjudgmentally, in the present moment. Participating is the ultimate goal of mindfulness" (Linehan, 2015, p. 192).
Have people heard of the concept of "flow"? It is a state of mind wherein you get so completely absorbed in an activity, that you lose all track of time. I super like being in a state of flow. Anyway, this is what Linehan means by participating. When you are in a state of flow, or, as Linehan describes it, participating, you lose a sense of yourself as being separate to the activity you are doing. This means that fully participating in an activity is mutually exclusive to any sense of being self conscious. You just "do" without thinking about the doing. You don't worry about what others might think of you, or whether you look silly or whether you are doing the activity right...you simply do it.
I really notice how much I mindfully participate when I'm playing my violin...and I notice how much I make mistakes when I stop mindfully participating. That is, I often mess up a piece in a lesson even though I could play it perfectly fine at home. I know this is because at home I simply play, whereas at my lesson I think far too much about my playing and consequently I mess up (and then tell my teacher "awwwwww but I could do it at home!!!!").
Can you think of any activities you do (or would like to do) that particularly lend themselves to practicing the skill of participating fully? Along with my violin playing, I find that I get into a state of flow when doing yoga, playing in my garden, and doing jigsaw puzzles. When my brain is working well, I also get into a state of flow when I'm learning something new about, well, pretty much anything really. I super enjoy learning for learning's sake.
A participating practice exercise
On pages 194-198 of the DBT manual, there are a whole lot of suggested exercises for "real" DBT groups to do. Reading through the list, I have to say that if I was in a group and was asked to do some of these things...yeah...that wouldn't be happening! This is because they involve physical touch, such as group members holding hands. Nope, this little turtle would definitely not be doing that! However, there is one suggested exercise that, when I read it, I thought it sounded super fun. So...I've tested it out and I can highly recommend it.
For this exercise you need a raw egg and a flat surface such as a kitchen bench or a bare table (no table cloth allowed!). Now, all you have to do is balance the egg on its end (the larger end). Here's my egg yesterday.
It took a while. I don't know exactly how long because, well, I was mindfully participating and thus lost track of time. If your egg ends up splattered on the kitchen window after you throw it in frustration, it might be helpful to practice observing and describing your emotions a little more before having another go at participating in this exercise.
Have fun! I would super love to see photos of people's balanced eggs.
When to observe, when to describe, when to participate.
One of the key points about these three "what" skills is that we can only do one of them at a time. That is, we are either observing OR describing OR participating. So, how do we know which skill we need to use in any given situation?
According to Linehan (2015), when we notice a problem in our life, we first need to observe the problem and our response to it, and then accurately describe the problem and our response. This will help us to figure out what we need to do differently and/or what skills we need to learn to solve the problem. Once we know what we need to do and have the skills to do it, we can dive in and actively participate in the situation.
I can see how my violin playing exemplifies this. When I'm learning a new technique, I practice super slowly, super focusing on every tiny detail of it (and sounding like a dying cat in the process!). But then, once I have got the hang of the technique, I can use it effortlessly in the piece of music. At this point I would have shifted from observing and describing, to participating. Does that make sense?
Here endeth the lecture on the three mindfulness "what" skills. So, now all we need to do is PRACTICE!
Here is a cool video that summarizes the three DBT "what" skills: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmnI6pPBmfA
I'm super keen to hear people's thoughts, ideas, reflections and anything else you may want to share. Happy DBT-ing!
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