Does some one want to talk to me

we dont know how he died @Owlunar

he just died in his sleep

i wasnt taken out of the voilence. mum would go and then go back and then leave and then go back. by the time i was a teenager i had went to 15 different schools. its was hard

this what i wrote when i first started whith sane

hi everyone.
i thought i would share my life story, firstly to get it off my chest and just to give you an insight of why i have mental illness.
my dad was very abusive to my mum, very violent. even when she was pregnant with me and my sister. me and my sis had to listen to the abuse, listen to things being smashed and mum being abused. we also was abuseed. we were locked in our rooms for days with no food and a bucket to piss in. we always locked outside in the cold at night with nothing more than undies on. my mum would be hungry from not eating because he wouldnt let her. sis and me would have to sit in the middle of the lounge room floor for hours and if we fell asleep dad would throw his steelcap boots at our heads.
thats only some of what he use to do to us.
when i was 12 years old mum left him. we moved far away
then from 12 to 15 years old i was sexually abused.
i was one messed up kid. i hated everything, everyone and most of all i hated me.
time progessed and i started drinking, smoking and doing drugs. (the heavy stuff)
i was always trying to ..... myself. i just wanted to die. i stopped talking to people and i stopped eating. i felt i had to punish myself all the time and that what i did.
at 19 years old, i had been seeig this guy for 3 years. ......
i found him dead.
that just broke my heart. i started using drugs even more and i was drinking any time that i was awake. i was a mess.
then 10 years ago i met my hubby. he saved me. i stopped using drugs but i still drank heavely.
anyway, 5 years ago i was going down hill again so i went to see someone.
now i have PTSD, cluster B personility disorder, major depessive disorder and anxity
(sorry about my spelling. dont know how to spell some shit)
so now here i am , and im still struggling with now and my past. im still a bloody mess. i still get suicidal and i still hate myself. im always self harming, ( but i havent doon that in nearly a month now) so thats one good thing. im trying to stop that because of my kids. im trying to cover up my scars with tattoos so the kids cant see them.
the 2 things i have managed to do well in is, bringing my kids up well and committing to my hubby.
oh and i have stopped drinking, but i do slip up every now and then..... like when im really upset. but i still have this battle within myself and i hate it. it scares me.
so, this is my life and why i am the way i am.

That is so rough @Bubbles3 - I can't imagine what that would be like - and your mother - I would not dream of commenting on what she did and didn't do because she must have been in a bad place - and now you are battling to get over your past - and this has to be hard

And it is worth mentioning that I think you have been working really hard to do this and I am glad you have had some help - I still think you need it though if you can manage it

Your father must have been really ill in a really bad way though - no further comment there either - wow

I could tell you some of the things I saw when I was growing up - but in most cases the little children were brought to the police station and that's when I saw them - and my parents thought it best to tell me a little of what had happened - but I never heard anything that bad though - and I am so sorry

One thing is I am glad I spoke to you this afternoon though because I had no idea - I have orthopaedic issues and there are days when I have pain and don't come into the forum - I read a bit on my phone but I can't read everything so I missed all of that - and I don't get notifications in my mail box in my computer either - it can get too much but I only write here when I can answer people properly

I don't know what else to say - I can tell that you have had a very hard life and I do believe you - probably because of living on the police station - and some of the kids at school were abused too - so I do know

But yours has to have been the hardest story I have read -

I do hope you can continue to get hope - and help - and really wish better for you. I am glad you found a decent guy and I think you are being the best mother you can be. Having three so close together must be a handful you have financial problems as well - which has to be hard - I have had financial problems myself.

I really hope things can improve - I can't imagine what your life was like

Dec

thanks for your kind words @Owlunar

it has been hard and still is hard. but im getting there. and i will get there hopefully. iv got 3 kids to think about before ending my life. so thats the only thing that keeps me going at the moment.

hubby is great most of the time haha. he is very understanding most of the time. im lucky to have him.

no need to feel sorry for me. whats done is done now and i have to live with it for of my life. but that is my life.

what about you....... whats happening for you

anybody else want to talk to me

@Faith-and-Hope@Former-Member@Shaz51@Zoe7@Former-Member@utopia@Shaz51@soul@Queenie

Hey Hello @Bubbles3

hi @Shaz51

how are you going

Hello my dear friend @Bubbles3 - how are you feeling now? Thinking of you xx

hi @Former-Member

its ok. hubby did some shopping coz i cant leave the house at the moment

now his pissed of coz his doing housework and im not doing anything.

i havent done anything today. really nothing,. iv been sitting in the same spot outside all day doing jack sh*t