SPRING-Clean Declutter - Need Help

Lots of stuff happening for you @Former-Member. Will be lovely to see your son. Are you staying with him for a bit before the Sydney leg?

Nice to get that win too. An unexpected bonus. And some company for you this afternoon. Sounds like you’ve had a good day.

Hi @Former-Member

Whoops sorry - I got it wrong - I thought you mum had gone to hospital and your son had come home -

But winning a door prize - the universe has given you a moment of acknowledgement - that is so great

I am so sad that your son has had a bad run - really glad though that he rang you - and hope your friend can take him in as a border - that would help. Centrelink can help but sometimes get it so wrong - not really good that he feels so vulnerable

Personally I think it's better to be around Brisbane to help your son out if you need to - he would be my priority because he needs some sense of stability - is the thought of your selling the old house scary for him? My daughter only told me that she loved the old house years after I sold it - but still - with all the sad memories I needed to get rid of that house - and I live only a couple of blocks from there now and I have seen it improved, get run down again, now they are renovating - and I still hate going past -

And my old camelia bushes are totally over-grown and give my gardener/horticultural daughter an itch between her shoulder blades that this is happening and she feels like going there and pruning them - I sold that house in 1990

So I guess you have to think about how you are there and if a tree-change would help - it's up to you - that's the hard part but hey - if your son is up to talking about it this could be a chance to really help him - you can always sell the house later.

Decisions - decisions

So your mum is help - Community Nurse, Palliative Care and home visits - your covert work seems to be bearing fruit - I agree that it would not be at all good for your well-being to be your mother's carer - you are okay with your Dad but your mum is secretive and suspicious - I would not be very good with that - and you do your best and what more can you do

When my mum was alive I felt badly that I didn't visit - I think you know she'd snarl at me - not at all a happy camper - but I know I did what I could and I don't feel bad now - I wish the same for you - I really care and your mental health is important for your son. mmm yes.

It's good news that your work-mates' attitude toward you changed - you know I'm sure that their leaving you out of their circle is more like nasty-clique behaviour - stuff I can't abide and keep out of myself - and not you at all - and they were outside chatting while you did all the register work - wow - I know you are a hard worker and moreso with your work-mates and their chatty-clique stuff - you are the better person

And the tree man is back with the next tree down - are these trees all rotten - I know you can't just get rid of a tree - we had trouble on this block trying to get rid of a bad tree that eventually came down in a storm and hit my unit and did a little damage - bad storm and it could have been worse - but if all the trees have borers - that's a problem - something to think about when you think about selling out - or not

I'm seeing my daughter on Wednesday - brunch - I haven't told her about my knee yet - I was going to text her to get me some seedlings for my herb garden from where she works and ask her to set them for me - she does my garden for me and that's all I feel comfortable about asking her to do. My carer last Friday has her mother asking for stuff all the time - mostly time - and twice suggested I get my daughter to take me to the physiotherapist or other appointments or to get the coffee stain out of my carpet - I got irritated and told her I don't interfer in my daughter's life - and then had to apologize for snapping - I was in pain and don't rely on my daughter - she is a busy woman

It bothered me - that aw - this are okay between my daughter and I - I want to leave it that way - and yes - I am very lucky to have her

I love those pics of tidy cupboards myself - I have to sort out my clothes again - there are clothes that I don't wear just taking up space

I put my DVD Player out for the hard rubbish collection with the remote control and taped a note saying it was in good order and hoped someone would take it before the rain - and they did - someone got a good DVD player and I am glad about that - I asked so many people if they would like it and it seems everyone has one

All the best with the decluttering and all your other decisions - and also for your son - and so glad he rang you when he was feeling so down

Dec

I think that however possible @Former-Member, you need to keep the relationship with your parents amicable especially with your mother. When our parents get old they get grumpy and if they are in pain this is all the more apparent. Your mother may not intentionally try to be mean but it comes across that way and you can’t help feeling hurt by the remarks and things she does.

I came in from hanging out the washing to greet my daughter who was making breakfast for herself this morning. I mentioned that it seems like it was going to be a warm day and her response was “Well, why are you wearing long pants then?” I could get offended but I let it pass thinking that she has other stuff on her mind that may be troubling her. Have given up trying to point out that being pleasant isn’t that hard. I always wish her a good day and ask about how work went or an event she went to but get a one or two word response. She doesn’t enquire about me. I suppose being rude isn’t just an old person’s domain then.

I cherish the moments when she is loving and kind even though they are rare these days. I think she struggles with her independence - not really knowing where she stands. This break when I am away will be good for the both of us.

The assistance that you are giving your parents from afar seems to be effective - you are showing your compassion but also taking care of yourself. I hope the visit goes well. Is there a set time frame or is it open ended? Just try to keep the peace, the last thing you want is to have an argument and it’s unresolved and before you know it, it’s too late to do anything about it. Smile, agree, listen even if things are unreasonable.

I take it your son can work remotely if he is in IT so it may be an option that he comes back home. Less of a financial strain for him. I suppose if it’s a short term thing, it may be alright. A lot of changes for him at the moment. Probably needs some grounding.

Nice that you have connected with this work colleague and that the tree situation is just about finished. You’ve had two small wins - maybe the next one will be the big one.

Have a beautiful day.

Thanks @soul, its good for me to hear how things are between your daughter & you and how you handle her being prickly grr. Must be lonely for you 😞 . Guess ya right - not feeling the need to remind them to 'be polite' (very mature) my mother would see that as a criticism, tell me to f off...

Yes, my darling sister decided to hold her grudge so long its become another death for me, on top of the worst of days. A self serving self perpetuating choice SHE has made to expell me out of her life, because of MI & cGrief & BPD... (and god knows whatever else). Finally learned that her not me... This is NOT being 'family' (i have come to conclusion...

At least mother dearest graces me with a conversation now and then (if i ring her). Yet also, I honestly can see how fear / anxiety is behind much of what my ma is captive to. I have started telling myself "she can't help it" And its possible the cancer has spread to her brain, altering her personality, coping, perception, responses... She can't help it!. Many people think she can, but I think she's beyond changing now. I get that.

It's important 'for ME' (and a bonus to them) to keep things amicable (if that's possible with someone who makes everything a competition they must win). I know this stuff. I'm well conditioned that 'its all about mum' & i absolutely dont count, along with everyone else. Always been this way.

I went into children's homes and shipped off to aunty when mum got sick or need her many surgeries or 'rest' admissions...

I was forced to take mum's role of caring for the younger 4 siblings 24/7 while older bro and uncle hit on me, cooking cleaning, washing, finding things she lost, helpingvdad when she's away...... Yep, its a huge waste of time ever expecting her to know how to love properly, she can't, like my hubby, they don't know how. . I'm doing this trip for my own integrity - any appreciation will just be an incidental bonus. I get it. Its not about me, never was. Mum buys things.

Crashing on my son's couch tonight. Gotta get up at 7am to catch a flight to Brisbane. Its so grounding being with him, my son - what a treasure he is 🙂 He is the most centred 'be ever known him to be. Hey, but I'm bias lol

Hey @Former-Member - hope you got to spend some lovely time with your son. I’m sure he appreciated you being there. Has he made any decisions regarding his career and where he will live? Did you talk about the selling home situation?

Like me, it seems that you consider him your greatest “achievement” Don’t know how I would have coped with life without my kids. Often didn’t see the purpose. It’s one of the greatest joys to see our kids happy.

I gather your childhood was less than ideal. That’s why it’s especially so nice that you have a good relationship with your lad. Learn from our own situation and don’t make the mistakes that we lived through.

I guess that you’re on your way to Brissie right now. We are closer - hope you can feel that and know that I am wishing you well during this difficult trip. Hope it goes as well as it can.

@Former-Member@soul

We have or have had grumpy natured kids - for those of you with younger ones - hopefully they will grow out of it - I left my daughter to herself and she came to be far more friendly after I think she had a falling out with my toxic sister because since whatever happened then she has been so much more compassionate - or maybe the distance between my calls as helped that

I told her about my knee - I saw the physiotherapist yesterday and he has told me to stop walking around on the concrete paths - fun - but I am thinking of buying a bike and probably will - that sounds like a good idea - I haven't ridden a bike for years but I believe you never forget - so she will drive me down to the bike shop tomorrow and I can get one and ride it around to keep the weight off my leg - ah - being told to stop walking was a rotten blast - enough of that

About your house and your son Lapses - my daughter didn't tell me about my old house until years after it was sold but looking back - it goes back to her father who insisted on selling - who insisted on divorce - for a man who never bothered to tell me much at all these two things were pretty tough - I just wanted him out of my every-day life - I didn't need a divorce but the house - that was a different issue entirely - I had no idea my daughter - who had moved out and was living with the man she eventually married had not told me that the house was important to her and like you - bad memories - but had she said something - who knows - she could have rented it - something could have been worked out

I guess your son needs that sense of being able to come home - when I got a unit it was a two bedroom apartment - upstairs with views of Port Phillip Bay from three rooms and I loved place and my daughter still had a home until she was married and she often came for a rest - to study - to stay the night - so I think it gave her a sense of security that she still could come home even if it wasn't the house - I don't know about your son but maybe that it's not THAT house - but having a home wherever you are.

And yes Soul - old people don't have the soul ownership of grumpy behaviour - and really - when my daughter has been grumpy I have ignored her - all her life - but there is some moodiness in her nature - maybe she got that from her father who sank into his silent and morose life as our son got worse with his BPD - I can't blame him but I could not hide from reality like that

With my mother though - I would not tolerate her snarling at me - and yes - she couldn't cope with life after Dad died and lost the plot entirely - I guess if people have been together since they were teenagers and married for so long and become really interdependent then when one goes the other one is bereft - I have found this hard to understand because I have been alone for over 25 years - much more - and for me this is great - I love to please myself with what I do but I haven't been interdependent in my life what would I know?

That's true

I forget where I am going here so I will stop - yes I do care about your son and you Lapses - I care about you going to your parents place and I hope you can fund your return ticket if you fly - and I hope you don't stay long - I know it's really hard for you there

So enough here - I have to read both your messages before I go any further

Dec

Ha ha - I’m still here @Former-Member.I leave next Thursday.

So you arrived and it’s full on. All systems go. Apart from running around like crazy, how do you feel? Looks like you may be dividing your time between hospital and your parents’ home.

Sorry to hear that your mother isn’t doing well. What’s the prognosis? Or are they doing tests, wait and see first?

How long are you spending there? What are their moods like?

So many questions. Hope you are asleep. Sounds like you need to rest in order to face another day.

Been having trouble with the Sane website and I also installed some updates on my IPad and its making me log in every time. All this means that I am a bit out of touch. Hope the rest of your trip goes well. Thinking of you.

Hi @Owlunar 👋🏼👋🏼