How to accept help after a life of helping others

Hope you day is filled with light and smiles @Hope4me Catch ya later bug buddy

Hi @Hope4me, Every time I see your avatar it makes me smile.

Your new job adventure sounds super awesome. I am on the disability pension due to my mental health issues and I know how much employment can improve our wellbeing if it is a good fit. I do casual gigs here and there tutoring, marking, etc. and I love the sense of structure and purpose that it adds to my days. I super hope this new adventure goes well for you and that it gives you those benefits of work without being too stressful.

Hi @Hope4me, sorry I have been away from the Internet for a few days....

Just getting back to the question you asked about changing my ways and trying to stop solving everyone else's problems at my own expense.... yes, it's a really hard thing to do.

It feels very unnatural for me to take a step back and not get caught up in other people's worries. I had to stop calling people to ask after them.... I try to let them ring me, if they feel they need to talk about something. I also frequently now tell people to seek professional help... I say "I really don't think I'm qualified to give you advice... you would probably get a lot more out of seeing a professional counsellor".

Of course, this makes them feel like they really do have a problem, so they start to feel uncomfortable. Either they no longer want to talk about it, through fear of hearing "Your problems are so bad that you need a professional." (Many people don't want to fully acknowledge the extent of their issues.) Or else they actually do go and see a counsellor (there is no surprise when they come back and tell me that "the counsellor did not know what she was talking about".....!) Which is what recently happened with my sister.

@Hope4me, you have to take it day by day and give it a lot of thought. Instead of focusing on the other person, like you and I are very used to doing- you have to keep thinking about yourself. Think "how can I be of assistance to this friend without it impacting on me".

Sometimes you might just not answer your phone straight up. Let it ring! Then text that person and ask if you can call them back tomorrow. Give yourself space.

Sometimes you might talk to them for half an hour and then cut off the conversation. Say "someone is at the door. Can I call you later?" A little white lie is alright while you are trying to heal.... to save that person's feelings....

It's really hard breaking the cycle. It's like an addiction, for me, anyway. You just have to acknowledge to yourself that you feel uncomfortable when you pull back from people. Even though you need to do it, the process is not easy!

You're so right @Sahara

That's one of the reasons I joined Sane; a little piece of the www just for me. I do post to support people with my encouragement in short messages with lots of hope. I guess you could say it's my training ground for 'balance'.

After experiencing a break-down of biblical proportions from not listening to my own self protective signals, it takes a 'no guts, no glory' attitude to fight/understand my 'addictive' impulses, and hopefully lessen any future resentments...because it really hurts to give like that then be ignored.

I too have used the doorbell and 'see a counsellor' as back-up for uncomfortable and long winded situations. It's deceitful but necessary for survival.

I'm learning and becoming more experienced each day, and working hard at forgiving myself and others; that's so important.

Thanks for engaging with me on this subject. It's nice to have your lovely feedback.

Hope x

Hi @Hope4me,

it sounds like you have made a good start and that you know you can disengage from people when you need to.

I think that the other important thing is to focus on your own life and what needs doing- and also think about the things you love to do. What are your interests? What do you personally find rewarding (besides helping people)?

Instread of thinking about others when you have free time, do something you love to do. For me, it's my art- I can get into my painting at any time of the night or day. I have a little studio at home with everything set up.

Then- and this is really hard - my challenge is to start talking about my art and my studio when I see people who I know- rather than making the conversation all about them. It's hard because I feel insecure. Why would anyone want to know stuff about me?

But the right people will want to know. They will be delighted to know.

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Just a few days ago I had a friend call me who was worried about her Mum- because her Mum expressed some suicidal thoughts. I asked a few questions, and then her teenager came home and she could no longer talk. Then she had to ring off.

Right now, I'm really comfortable with leaving that conversation unfinished. I may never hear the details and I'm good with that. I'm not going to try and call her back today or even this week- or even this fortnight. If she needs to talk to me, then she can phone me.

But really, she would be better off taking her Mum to the G.P. and doing all the talking there. I hope she is planning to do this.... but it's her life and she will do whatever she likes.

Meanwhile... I have more time to spend in my studio!

Hope this helps.

Thankyou @Sahara

That is, for chatting about a subject of common interest, not replying to a cry for help. 🙂

I'm not helpless you see; it's a matter of finding like minded souls who understand this oh so time consuming ideal of 'saving' people.

I've come far since beginning my journey of recovery; one small step at a time. 'Thinking' becomes the norm when living alone and coming from a history of constant banter, noise and never being able to find a space just for me. What do they say? Be careful what you ask for, because you just might get it!

Your art studio sounds brilliant! It's wonderful you have this creative outlet. How do you feel about posting some of your works on here? I'd love to see them! Share the love 🙂

I have a creative spirit also, and like many am good at most, but master of none. Though writing is a pastime I thoroughly enjoy. Whew! I could write forever. There's so much in my head bursting to get out.

Anyway, I hope your weekend's been nice. Mine has been samo-samo; no different from other days of the week. But in a way thats good...calm and non-eventful.

Thanks so much for joining me here...

Hope x

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@Hope4me wrote:

'Thinking' becomes the norm when living alone and coming from a history of constant banter, noise and never being able to find a space just for me. What do they say? Be careful what you ask for, because you just might get it!

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@Hope4me, I can relate to what you've written, because I was the youngest in my family of origin and I felt that there was always noise and chaos in the house.... and none of it seemed to directly involve me!

For some reason, I think because I'm sensitive, I just got used to focusing on others.... it just seemed that they always had something going on... whereas I was introverted and could occupy myself.

I must have felt that I needed to contribute something in order to 'belong' and so that something became my attentiveness....

Now it really is difficult to focus on myself, but I manage.

I don't tend to post my art up here, because I want to remain anonymous. All people would have to do it click on my art and do an image search with google and they would be able to identify me fairly easily. Unless I made something specifically to put up here and posted it absolutely no-where else... which isn't really an option for me right now, as pretty much everything I do ends up on social media or else on display (in the real world) at some place, some time.

Probably just paranoid!

Morning @Sahara

I agree...anonymous is priority. It's a shame I don't get to see your art though. Art inspires me; it gives a glimpse into the world of that person, and conjures feelings within the observer as well.

When I was in my early teens, I created a make-shift studio in my dad's garage which he used to store work items. I painted a large picture of a dark tunnel with a tiny light at the end. Looking back, it was a perfect representation of how I felt, as well as where my future was heading. I don't think it was good as such, but as I said, it gave away a piece of my internal world.

I'm sort of impressed I actually remember it. Royal blue at the edges, graduating into black at the centre. I think my easel was made of old, large paint containers. Maybe I did have a space of my own for a while. 🙂

Unlike you, I was the eldest and was often made responsible for my younger siblings from a young age. Going through what I experienced, I instincively watched over them to make sure they were safe from my/our abusers.

Same at school; I often stood up for them in tight situations and when they left school, I took them into my home as a surrogate mother would. I taught them about money and tried to instil qualities of independence.

They were my children; the beginnings of my need to protect and care for others. That's a long time ago now, but an important aspect of my patterns of behaviour. I was still a child myself...blind leading the blind.

It is what it is though Sahara. I can't change it or make it better, but I can learn from it. I've stopped hurting 'for' them, and step back to allow their own paths to unfold; mistakes and all. It was a trial to begin with, then a massive relief to let them go.

I must say, writing about this has been theraputic, so thankyou again for engaging. Lovely...

Hope x