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Up here too @utopia

@utopia

are you ok my friend xxxxx

@Shaz51 . Thanks for asking. I'm fine. Sleeping a lot. Hibernating. Staying out of trouble.

Well I slept for about an hour and a half. Woke up with bad indigestion.

So what's been happening?

Well I had my Incapacity Assessment for WorkCover. The results came back the next day. Pretty quick hey. They normally take a month.

So I got 18% incapacity, but they've ruled 5% was preexisting. So my score is 13%.

I thought I needed 30% to sue my employer. No. I needed 30% to get a WorkCover payout. Which I didn't want.

But now that I have an actual score of incapacity, now I can sue my employer for not protecting me.

My lawyer rang. He's getting all my medical files sent to him (since the injury). Once he goes through those, we'll have another meeting.

So I guess things went better than expected.

I know, I worry a lot before my WorkCover assessments. I always do. I get so anxious and can't seem to help it.

My depression is lurking around. Seems my "better" is still depressed. Go figure.

I'm doing nothing, and I mean nothing. Feel guilty and lazy. But honestly, the days I have to drive 2kms to my little country supermarket are exhausting. Takes me hours to work up the energy to go.

Indigestion seems to have settled right down after I took my medicine. That's good.

My son is sound asleep with his head hidden under the doona. How he sleeps like that I don't know.

My 2 dogs are snoring away in the lounge room. When I go outside for a smoke, one of them gets up and follows me outside. Not to have a drink or wee, but just to watch over me. Sweet.

Well nothing else to report on.

Goodnight.

💐💕 @utopia ..... good to see you no matter what it happening (or not happening) for you .....

I imagine the lethargy you are feeling is one way the depression is expressing itself. I hope now that you have a better outcome than you anticipated ..,.. and most of us would probably fret ourselves into fearing the worst under circumstances like your assessment ..... I hope there will start to be a gradual in-stuckness starting to happen for you.

Would it be helpful to sett yourself a single daily goal to begin with ? Anything at all, with the condition that it’s okay to do it, and okay not to do it, whatever “it” is .... but knowing that there will be a day when it is okay to do, and another day when it’s okay to add a second goal for the day .....

I’m coming from the opposite direction. Waking up with too many goals. I have to give myself permission to not do them all, and work out which ones can stay not done for now .... on the perpetual to-do list ..... and that’s okay too.

Hugs ❣️

It is good that your lawyer is moving on suing your former employer @utopia You have certainly been through so much as a result of what happened there Hon

I hope it all works out for you

I understand how hard it is to find any energy or motivation to do anything still. Without work I would be much the same as you - I still struggle to do the simple things like housework when at home. I have felt the weight of depression over the last month or so as well and my pdoc has changed one of my meds again to try to lift that again. As yet it is not working but these things take time. I very much hear you on how hard it is when your new 'normal' is still depressed - that is hard to deal with my beautiful cocky friend

The WorkCover Psychiatrist wrote that I have chronic Major Depressive Disorder and that it will reoccur and Ebb and reoccur again. At the moment he wrote my depression as mild to moderate.

My psychologist has given me homework of doing the odd task, mainly colouring in. But I can't even manage to do that at the moment.

What a tough time this assessment has been for you @utopia. Feeling overwhelmed by all you have been through is completely understandable and it is worth reminding yourself to be kind and acknowledge the things you are capable of doing at the moment, no matter how small they may seem. There is no guilt in taking care of yourself, even if that is stepping outside for brief moments with your dogs watching over you. Wishing you well ❤️

Having a shit day.

Really feel the need to cry and let out my frustrations. But can't cry.

Mood very low. Has been for a while. But worse today.

All those negative thoughts floating around in my head. Guilt. Everything I'm doing wrong. What I should be doing. Lazy. Dumb arse. Stupid. Crazy. Nuts. Bunging it on. You're not really sick. Snap out of it. Just get up and do the dishes, the laundry, the house. Clean your room. How can you tell at your son to clean his room, when your room is a pig sty. Hippocrite.

Swirling and repeating in my head over and over. Plus lots of swear words.

I'm so tired. Had 4 hours of broken sleep last night. Woke up every hour. Hard to fall back asleep. I'm so exhausted today, but my head won't shut up and let me sleep.

My new therapist is wanting me to do this grounding exercise, see 5 things, hear, touch, smell etc. I don't like this relaxation technique. It doesn't relax me. It gets me agitated. I told her. But no positive feedback.

I don't think we are working well together, but I'm too tired to find another therapist. And there's no one else in town. I'd have to go to the big town. When I'm feeling like shite, it's almost impossible to drive for 50 minutes to see my psychologist.

I feel like yelling and screaming. Yet I don't have any energy to do it.

I wish I could cry. I'm sure I'd feel better if I cried.

Really wish I would have something, anything to numb me. Either be numb or be better.

I'm sick of depression. I hate knowing I will always have it. Remissions, great. But I'm not in remission at the moment and remission doesn't seem to last long. Depression lasts months and months. Forever it feels like.

Having a shitty day and needed to vent.

Hey @utopia . It sounds pretty crappy at the moment. Just a thought which may or may not help. It’s something I’ve done in the past when I’m feeling a bit like you are - paralysed and so wound up at the same time. I’ve tried calling a help line. One of two things happen with me. One is just talking to someone brings up the emotion to the surface and I cry which releases some of it, not a fix by any means but a release that makes it a bit easier. The other thing is that I end up getting more frustrated and angry because I don’t feel listened to or understood. Then the anger rages which might be enough to get me going. Not so effective because it doesn’t have the same release. If you go into a call knowing you might have either of these experiences it is probably better. I know we both know there isn’t a magic wand but a little release is better than feeling how you are just now. Thinking of you 💜🤗