So Sunday in hospital. No programs no groups nothing. Most people get leave and go home or shopping, to the movies or out to eat.
There are only a few of us who have no leave - but a lot of them get visitors. Not me. So weekends and Sunday seem to last a whole week.
Afternoon shift came on at 3pm. At 4pm I asked my nurse for a 15 minute smoko pass. He goes to the computer, looks up my name and said you've already had your 2 full hours of leave for today. So no more until tomorrow! !!!!!!!
WTF!!!!!
I said no way. I'm a smoker with leave to go out to the designated piece of f***ing concrete out near the road. We aren't allowed to smoke after 8pm. And you're now telling me that I can't smoke until 7.30 tomorrow morning. I said either you knock me out cold with drugs that will help me sleep right through til tomorrow morning - or you let me smoke. I do everything I'm told in here. I don't break the rules. I'm polite. I attend my appointments and take my meds all without complaint. But if you don't allow me to go and have my 15 minute smoko break - the sh*t will hit the fan.
I'm getting really angry and crying and shaking.
My nurse who I've had most nights and who I like, said he will contact my psychiatrist.
My psychiatrist came back with a no. It will help her quit. WTF!! I'm not here to quite tobacco. I'm not in the drug and alcohol withdrawal unit. I tell my nurse I'm about to go f***ing besurk. He tells me that he spoke to management after getting no where with my psychiatrist. And management have approved me one 15 minute smoko break. So my nurse says take it now.
I come back from smoke - well within the time frame and I ask for a calming PRN. He says he tried my psych again - but it's a definite no.
So it's now 5.29pm on Sunday. And I have to go 14 hours and 1 minute without a cigarette.
I smoke a lot at home. A oacket that normally lasts 2 days - has lasted 4.
I'm lying in my bed. Can't have a big old cry because I'm in a shared room. Calming med has not calmed me down.
And they keep saying it's for my safety!! I said I have never gone anywhere but the exact smoko concrete they say. I'm never late back. I have been honest with them as I always am about still having suicidal plans - I've also been very honest about what my plan is and that I can't do it in Melbourne anyway. I don't lie to them. Never have during any stay. And I keep telling them - I only want to go to the smokers area as I don't feel comfortable anywhere else.
But you know - guess they can't trust what a mental patient says - especially one who is suicidal. Because some mental patients lie.
I never have. My psychiatrist and psychologist know my full plan - just not the exact location. They know I tell them when I'm feeling unsafe or suicidal. Like I did with my psychiatrist 3 days before my attempt. Guess he didn't hear me . And like I told my psychologist 2 weeks early.
They better let me have at least 2 more cigarette breaks - or I'll break the rules and go out anyway.
It's not up to my fricking psychiatrist to reduce or get me to quit smokes.
Rant over - for the time being - but I don't think it will be over for the night.
Stay tuned to see if 'Utopia' gets kicked out of hospital. Lol
