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Beautiful 15 year old daughter, self sabotage, self harm, self centred.

parent1Contributor11 Aug 2015, 11:42 am AEST

Beautiful 15 year old daughter, self sabotage, self harm, self centred.

She has BPD symptoms.
She struggles to maintain friendships.

She is fun, outgoing, smart, kind and then she is attention seeking, manipulative, plays the victim, immature, and just does things that allow her peers to lose all respect for her.
She has been expelled and suspended from schools.
She says inappropriate things in an attempt to attention.
She attracts some very unsavoury characters, and some nice ones who she invites to treat her poorly thru her poor behaviour and choices.

She doesn't see that her behaviour is the reason for her isolation.
She is lonely and has back to back relationships with males and females she has no physical attraction to.

She sees a psychologist who is great and she has a good rapport with; the psychologist really makes my child look at herself retrospectively and with insight - but my daughter seems to be getting worse not better.

It will seem she has made a step forward, then she does something and takes many steps backwards.

I find her behaviour baffling.

Has anyone else been through this with their child?
Any ideas?

23 replies

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In response to: Beautiful 15 year old daughter, self sabotage, self harm, self centred.

-karma-Senior Contributor11 Aug 2015, 8:44 pm AEST

Re: Beautiful 15 year old daughter, self sabotage, self harm, self centred.

Welcome @parent1

it was lovely to hear the strengths and positives of your daughter and her behaviour, all so often we are reminded of the deficits and negatives.

You might like to prompt @Valda who posted about her 26 yr old daughter with a diagnosis of BPD, or read her conversation here;

http://saneforums.org/t5/Something-s-not-right/BPD/m-p/16270/highlight/true#M512

Are you at all familiar with Spectrum, the personality disorder service of Victoria?

They are well regarded for the work they do, however I am not sure if you live in Victoria?

Please check out previous topic Tuesday, 'BPD debunking the myths' Sane hosted earlier this year. Although now closed, you can read what was said and also prompt conversation with any of the members just by using the @ symbol before their name.

http://saneforums.org/t5/Special-Events/Topic-Tuesday-Tonight-closed-BPD-Debunking-the-myths/m-p/24343#M698

It can't be easy watching this play out before you, how are you managing?

In response to: Re: Beautiful 15 year old daughter, self sabotage, self harm, self centred.

EagleSenior Contributor12 Aug 2015, 1:39 pm AEST

Re: Beautiful 15 year old daughter, self sabotage, self harm, self centred.

Hi @parent1

The big win here is that your daughter has found a professional she clicks with. I have read somewhere, that on average, people will see 4-5 professionals before they find the right one (that's assuming they keep looking!)

Would I be right in assuming that the psychologist keeps you in the loop?

Have you been able to have a one on one with the psychologist to ask all the questions you want to ask about your daughter?

In response to: Re: Beautiful 15 year old daughter, self sabotage, self harm, self centred.

parent1Contributor12 Aug 2015, 2:06 pm AEST

Re: Beautiful 15 year old daughter, self sabotage, self harm, self centred.

Hi
Thankyou for your reply. The therapist does not divulge details to us, we do meet once every few months. The therapist mainly collects information from us.

In response to: Re: Beautiful 15 year old daughter, self sabotage, self harm, self centred.

parent1Contributor12 Aug 2015, 2:10 pm AEST

Re: Beautiful 15 year old daughter, self sabotage, self harm, self centred.

HI @Karma
Thanks for that. It is very frustrating to watch someone you love make unwise choices; especially when fundamentally, they are a nice person.

In response to: Re: Beautiful 15 year old daughter, self sabotage, self harm, self centred.

AltogetherSenior Contributor12 Aug 2015, 3:04 pm AEST

Re: Beautiful 15 year old daughter, self sabotage, self harm, self centred.

That must be incredibly hard @parent1. I understand the need for your daughter to have a safe space to talk, and her confidentiality is important, but as her parent there is so much you probably DO need to know!

Can you explain to your daughter and her counsellor how hard it is for you to understand and know if you are doing the right things to help, with so little information? That you know there will be things your daughter doesn't want you to know, but that you feel you need more than you're getting now, in order to help?

I don't know, I'm just throwing ideas out there I guess. It's so hard when they are that bit older. Hugs to you, it's a tough time.

In response to: Beautiful 15 year old daughter, self sabotage, self harm, self centred.

Unknown userMember12 Aug 2015, 4:26 pm AEST

Re: Beautiful 15 year old daughter, self sabotage, self harm, self centred.

Hi @parent1 thank you so much for sharing your story.

It is good to hear your daughter has found a connection with her psych, and with her assistance is able to consider her past experiences with greater insight. It sounds like you're feeling as though things are getting worse... but hopefully with time you will begin to see some positive changes. It is wonderful that you have been so proactive in searching out support for her. I am not sure which state you are in, but one organisation you might like to consider for additional support is Orygen Youth Health, based in Victoria. Website: http://oyh.org.au/ You may have also heard of Headspace, which is another mental health organisaton for youth aged between 12-25 years. They have many brances right across Australia. Website: http://headspace.org.au/

Here at SANE we get a lot of enquiries about BPD - it seems that many mental health professionals and the general community at large are really keen to learn more about this particular disorder. These days, more and more research is being done into BPD. I have heard that the latest research considering early-intervention treatment outcomes for BPD are showing some positive results. There is a lot of stigma out there about BPD, but I think with time, as people become better informed, this should change.

I think a number of our members have had some experience with BPD in one way or another (whether they have received a diagnosis themselves, or know someone who has). Just a few who come to mind include @Shadow, @Crazy_Bug_Lady, @Angel, @Raven, @Jacques, @PeppiPatty... Perhaps @astrengthinever can offer some insight from a parent's perspective? I am sure there would be others on here who would be willing to share their experiences with you.

All the best to you and your daughter @parent1 as you embark on this journey together. Remember that as a community, we are with you all the way.

- Mosaic 🙂

In response to: Beautiful 15 year old daughter, self sabotage, self harm, self centred.

RavenContributor12 Aug 2015, 7:20 pm AEST

Re: Beautiful 15 year old daughter, self sabotage, self harm, self centred.

@parent1 hi I have recently been diagnosed with BPD it's taken years to get a proper diagnosis if u would like to ask me anything feel free

In response to: Re: Beautiful 15 year old daughter, self sabotage, self harm, self centred.

CherryBombSenior Contributor12 Aug 2015, 9:30 pm AEST

Re: Beautiful 15 year old daughter, self sabotage, self harm, self centred.

HI @Raven

I thought you might be interested in this conversation started by @sunnydays. They have just recently been diagnosed with BPD and are looking for some support/advice. Seems like you might be able to offer some guidance?

In response to: Beautiful 15 year old daughter, self sabotage, self harm, self centred.

astrengthineverSenior Contributor12 Aug 2015, 10:35 pm AEST

Re: Beautiful 15 year old daughter, self sabotage, self harm, self centred.

Hi @parent1
I hear you frustration. I have a beautiful almost17 year daughter who's behaviour at 14/15 was so very similar to what you describe of your daughter. That feeling of steps forward and more steps back sound so very familiar. I can only suggest you link yourself in with The Australian Borderline Foundation. Through them I found a great network and information of various educational things I could do to better equip me in managing my daughters Behaviour
Some thing I learnt from an adult BPD person I met met once were her words that still sit with me. 'Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom before we will pick ourselves up" sadly we don't know when our loved one has hit rock bottom but those words resonate with me in re enforcing that only my daughter can determine if and when she chooses to pick herself up.
It took a long time for my daughter to see the effect her behaviour had on her relationships but over time with a better understanding of her BPD diagnosis age she seemed to be able to acknowledge how destructive some of her behaviour was.
It is to be hoped her psych helps her walk through some of those failed relationships to help her gain that insight.
As a parent all you can do is validate how she feels with out judgment or putting your reflection in. It really is something she needs to find herself.
This is probably one of the toughest things I've had to learn as her parent, but with time it has become easier and and I honestly believe it has helped her.
S

In response to: Re: Beautiful 15 year old daughter, self sabotage, self harm, self centred.

parent1Contributor13 Aug 2015, 8:51 am AEST

Re: Beautiful 15 year old daughter, self sabotage, self harm, self centred.

HI @Raven
Thx so much. I don't really have any questions, other than coping strategies to watch unwise choices that promote disrespect and alienation from others.

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