loosing the will to go on

@Former-Member @NikNik@Former-Member@Former-Member

Hi @outlander

I'm sorry things are hard for you at the moment. I have sent you an email to check-in.

Please take care!

Kindest,

Amour_Et_Psyché

thanks @Former-Member

Hello @outlander

I am so sorry you are feeling this way and I am hearing you. For me this is an ongoing battle too and I too am scared that the suicidal thoughts will eventually win. But I found it is good to be scared, because that means as well that I don't really want to die. Sometimes I just cannot see another way out.

I think you are doing an important step by speaking out about it. For a long time I was scared to admit to anyone that I had suicidal thoughts. Then I started telling helplines. Sane is great, but limited in their accessible hours, so lifeline and beyondblue are good too. The best for me is suicidecallback as they deal every single day with people like us. They helped me develop my first safety plan. I was sitting in my car, parked outside a shopping centre and called them. We talked for ages and it was really difficult to find that I call it "final straw" - the one reason I wouldn't commit suicide. I found it back then when I first called them. Things have gotten worse since.

The second people I talked to was my GP and some time later my psychiatrist and trauma counsellor. Again, I was petrified they would just lock me up. I remember asking my GP ages ago, why would anyone tell you that they want to committ suicide. And he said because they need help. I have not been scheduled for suicidal thoughts nor for admitting self harm.

Things got worse. Eventually I didn't have a reason to live anymore. I talked to suicidecallback and told them how scared I was that I had lost my "final straw". The counsellor took a long time to try and find a "final straw" with me. Eventually we discussed what coping mechanisms I had in place and how I have previously kept myself safe and we agreed that it is okay not to have a final straw, as long as I knew what to do before I acted.

Things got worse. Around a month ago I came to the conclusion that the world would be a better place without me. I finalised my affairs, decided on a plan and set a date, a date in the not to distant future. I thought I give myself one last chance. I told my psychiatrist, who negotiated a later date with me and made me promise to stay safe. I told my trauma counsellor and she "made me" ask my husband and friend whether they would be better off without me. I actually followed through and those conversations were the hardest in my life - for them too.

To be honest, I still don't have a reason to live. I don't have long-term goals as I never know when I'm getting dragged in the abyss. And I am still scared. I have started looking at the pages on suicidecallback that are for survivors of people who committed suicide (another idea from my therapist) and I recently watched the ABC "Questions you can't ask" about suicide attempt survivors which was pretty confronting. The hardest one for me to hear was that it is not like suicidal thoughts come and go. All of the survivors said that they are managing their suicidal thoughts. I found that extremely difficult to hear. So for me it comes down to trying to accept that thoughts are just thoughts, not actions and that it might be a thought system that I have to manage the rest of my life. Again those are words I remember, not enlightenments I had myself.

I think it is very brave of you for starting this thread and I hope you will be able to access help and try anyone or anything you can think of. Keep in touch.

Thinking of you @outlander! You are not alone!

Thinking of you @outlander 💜🌻

hi @Former-Member thank you for your reply and also for responding with your story as well. i know im not alone even though i feel it

I would rather be scared of them, I have been at the point where I wasnt scared of them.
I cant see my life getting better any time soon and I rarely have good days. Only bad and worse.

I have had suicidal thoughts for a little while, not a huge amount of time though it feels like it but looking back its only been about 3 months. I first admitted my SH thoughts and I thought maybe it was going to end there and I could get a handle of it but things kept getting me down and down and now the suicidal thoughts are here. I rang hotline first too. Then my gp and psychiatrist.
I ended up in hospital because I turned to SH and it was bad- really bad- but I thought if I SH that it would help stop me from thinking about the other thoughts.

I didnt have strong suicdal thoughts rather dull background noise for the first week or so when I got out of hospital because I thought Id renewned my sense of self and what to do and where to go after I left. I was terrified to go to hospital- I was admitted involuntary- but when I got there I was more terrified of actually coming back out. I found it very hard to adjust back to normal life and I thought things were going to change in my house hold and have more family support but its slipped back into my old routine of doing absoluty everything.

With my thoughts I found I was constantly thinking of the things I could do to end it all and weighed up te pros and cons of them. I never finalised anything. It was spur of the moment things and it was getting dangerous esp when I had the kids around. I would never do anything while the kids or people are around.

It scaring me that they are becoming really strong again and the things I was finding to be helping me arent helping me anymore. For the past few days ive been constantly trying to do the things that I know were helping me but they just arent. I dont have the energy to keep up with everything.

My thoughts arise because of self blame, guilt, trauma memories and flashbacks, overwhelming anxiety and my depression. It doesnt take much to trigger anything.
I know these thoughts are just thoughts and I dont have to act on them.
I am willing something good to come into my life, I want to see the other side of life that others talk about. The good side, positive things happening to them. I dont have or get that.

I wont be telling my gp about the thoughts coming back and the therapist I have now I dont particularly like and I dont trust her really so I wont be telling her about these thoughts and ill only be focussing on one of my trauma events. I wont be bringing up the SA with them.

hi @B45

its nice to meet you, sorry its under these circumstances though

thanks @Former-Member

@MDT

here is a better thread

ive given up in general

i am lacking willingness

i just dont know anymore

the diractions ive been doing at the moment is watching tv and listening to music

im super low today and i cant bring it up and i just dont care anymore