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How do I do this?

oneday64Contributor

How do I do this?

My wife is hospitalised again after her latest suicide attempt. For so many years she has battled with her illness of Borderline Personality Disorder. We share a beautiful loving relationship until some trigger sends her to the darkness again. Its a ongoing time bomb. I spent the day at the hospital learning about treatment this time around. Last week I got many phone calls at night from her - first call would be raging and 3 minutes later the next would be loving. This pattern kept going for 5 days and each night I'd ring the hospital and ask if they saw this behaviour. Calls have now stopped totally and I believe this is good so treatment can be given without distraction. Visiting is possible on Sunday for an hour but hosptial said yesterday that my wife has to give approval and so far she hasnt. I guess this is good to so the treatment can focus. What I'm worried about now is when she is discharged that she wil arrive home and I have no clarity on her treatment or what to do, what not to do. The hospital wont allow me to know anything. How do I prepare? Who can help me?

17 replies

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In response to: How do I do this?

Unknown userMember

Re: How do I do this?

@oneday64
Is your wife in a public hospital? If so, there are rules in relation to involving the carer in the discharge process.
Darcy

In response to: Re: How do I do this?

oneday64Contributor

Re: How do I do this?

Hi Darcy, no she is in a private hospital - they wont give me any info always saying its a patient confidentiality issue

In response to: How do I do this?

Unknown userMember

Re: How do I do this?

@oneday64

You might get some advice from this mob:

http://www.mentalhealthcarersaustralia.org.au/advocacy-carer-rights/

I have tagged @Determined as he faces similar challenges to you.

This is something that might help you in relation to communication with the docs - privacy does not stop them from hearing from what you have to say.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=NRO0-JXuFMY

In response to: How do I do this?

DeterminedSenior Contributor

Re: How do I do this?

Hi @oneday64 and welcome to the forums.

It is hard to know what to say at times like this but I really feel for you at the moment as there are no easy answers to this question / situation 😞 My wife also has Borderline Personality Disorder and has spent over 10 weeks in hospital (4 admissions) so far this year with the last being a little over a week ago after a suicide attempt.

While I have many criticisms about the the `due process` and complete lack of communication I am most grateful that I was able to visit daily an in all but most recent admission I visited her each afternoon for one to two hours. On the last admission I was too run down to manage the drive out of town to see her otherwise would have. This is in a private hospital mental health unit.

I have felt the same anxiety around being ill prepared each time my darling comes home with little or no clarity around what her treatment is, what meds she is taking or to do in a crisis or what constituted a crisis from the doctors perspective. (When do I act and what action is appropriate), I finally now have an action plan for an emergency but this was not easy and only came about due to the unique cirmstances leading up to our current cirsis so unfortunatly no easy soultions, in that moment in time I also had the support of my dalring, without it.. I dont know that we would have had the same outcome.

Do you have any supports in place for yourself? counselling, family help where possible? I have found the support invaluable over the last coupe of months and only recently reaced out to family for support and councelling for my self rather than coverup and hide my darlings illness .

I dont know if this has been at all helpful but wanted you to know you had been heard and were not alone . happy to answer any sepcific questions as you think of them.

In response to: Re: How do I do this?

DeterminedSenior Contributor

Re: How do I do this?

Can I add that @Former-Members resources are very good. thanks again Darcy,
I have a hard time standing up to what I think is right out of fear of upsetting my darling or being 'locked out' by the dr all together. This is starting to change though out necessity of my darlings wellbeing. one of my fears is me havig a met down and being less than professional in passing on my point of view out of fear or frustration. I am still a work in progress in this regard.

In response to: Re: How do I do this?

oneday64Contributor

Re: How do I do this?

Thanks for your reply. Seems we have quite similiar scenarios. Unfortunately I am not allowed to visit and hospital doesnt tell me much. After the first week when I was getting multiple phone calls each night where she was calm or raging and then I kept complaining to the hospital that they must control this behaviour all contact has stopped. I keep asking them what happens when she is discharged, what do I do?? There only response is that it is up to the patient to decide and whether she tells you. This is unfair for both of us. The system doesnt seem to recognise they have a duty of care to the family and carers. Or maybe its just this particular hospital. They seem to have a good treatment program so maybe I just have to wait, try not to worry and find my own help. My family are great, I have a very close friend who I can share with. I see a counsellor who knows the situation well (from over many years of this) and sometimes I just ring lifeline and talk to those guys. I worry all the time, so many thoughts run through my head (especially in the evenings). What if treatment works well and how do I have change my behaviours with boundaries, what is treatment is only partial and my boundaries send us off in to this spiral again, what if she is discharged and our relationship is decided to be over by her, where do we go from there. I've seen her illness over many years and when she descends she is unable to function and suicidal talk starts very quickly. If its not me there giving a damn who will be? Her family (sisters and mother) have efectively walked away from this for many years. So many things keep going through my head

In response to: How do I do this?

Unknown userMember

Re: How do I do this?

@oneday64

If you look on the internet you will likely find that the hospital will have a policy document on mental health carers. I gather the key to having open communication with the medical staff is getting yourself documented as the primary carer.

Even with consent, finding a good balance between patient autonomy and healthy involvement is difficult. I try and equate it to other chronic illnesses and what partner support would be acceptable - this is different for each of us and all very much personality based. What my husband sees as supportive care might be seen by others as either grossly inadequate or too controlling and there are no blanket rules that can be applied.

Just a quick one, if you put an @ in front of a forum members name, like I did at the start of the message, they will get notification that you have responded.

Darcy

In response to: Re: How do I do this?

oneday64Contributor

Re: How do I do this?

thanks @Former-Member The struggle continues. It is helpful on these forums to get info and advice and i much appreciate it. This rollercoaster between anger and sadness is tough. And then there is helplessness. Time for tough decisions for me. Was at the point of talking to department about taking out an AVO for when my wife is discharged - got that desperate. Had a really good counsellor talk me through options which included making contact with hospital and telling them that I cant cope and asking them to align the treatment and discharge plan around what other care options are available. Finally felt like I had a way to get some ability to take care of myself too. I'm so worn out...

In response to: Re: How do I do this?

DeterminedSenior Contributor

Re: How do I do this?

@oneday64 feeling for you at the moment, I often feel the emotions you have described. Thankfully have not been to the point of considering an AVO but I no longer put up with the abuse as I have done before, I just walk away now or hang up the phone.

We have 3 young children that I can focus on that keeps me going, without them I'm unsure what I would do.

In response to: Re: How do I do this?

oneday64Contributor

Re: How do I do this?

Hi @Determined I wrote to hospital today telling them that either the discharge plan included me in the conversation or that they needed develop seperately with my wife. I actually feel like I established a boundary. Include me and I can and want to help or exclude me and the hospital needs to take responsibility. She is not coming home how she left, I'm not doing this anymore

Actually felt empoerred today. I got counsel from menslines as I was putting together AVO. They were great

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