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i found myself broken

ohanaisSenior Contributor09 Aug 2017, 8:15 pm AEST

i found myself broken

Hi all - I feel as though I need to explain myself...

@outlander@CheerBear@Zoe7@Faith-and-Hope@Phoenix_Rising@Shaz51 @Owlunar @Former-Member@TAB@MDT@Former-Member@Former-Member@oceangirl@Mazarita@Maggie@soul@eth

As you may or may not have noticed.. a few days ago my old account @dazedanais left The Forums.. I found myself so broken and unwanting of life and just felt like a complete burden. I had a massive breakdown and harmed myself a lot. I know I made a mistake in leaving these Forums, I have made so many nice, lovely friends and now I just feel as though I have messed it all up. It is all on me. I am sorry. I felt embarrassed of making an account again so early but I realised it was something I need.. because as pathetic as it sounds. You guys are the only people I have to talk to.

I have been breaking so incredibly hard. I have questioned my own safety and have also been too afraid to seek help for my current state. I feel so GUILTY for it. I am so sorry. I have felt like an annoyance too because of how unwell I have been and then everyone concentrates on my wellbeing and I think - you need to contentrate on YOURSELF not @dazedanais who is a complete stranger.. because I do not deserve anyone's time. I do not deserve it I am at such a low. Today alone I found myself needing and actually requiring an ambulance to be called after certain tendencies... I won't mention. Again this is all MY FAULT. I don't know why I am like this. I hate to be such a disappointment to you all and my actual family.

I am so so afraid. So afraid. I no longer feel safe with myself and I don't know what to do about it. I am afraid of the aggressive, condescending and punshments that would come out if I would need to go to hospital again.. so I am avoiding it. At the same time - I don't know if I can remain safe anymore.

I havent stopped crying all day, I feel so numb. I am back but again I am so so so SORRY. it is all my fault

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In response to: i found myself broken

soulSenior Contributor10 Aug 2017, 9:44 am AEST

Re: i found myself broken

hmmmm - a rat @ohanais - don't think I could tolerate that. We were never allowed mice as kids. We did have chooks, turtles, fish, dogs, a frilled neck lizard but not cats.

In response to: i found myself broken

ohanaisSenior Contributor10 Aug 2017, 9:55 am AEST

Re: i found myself broken

@soul It was.. interesting.. Woah - you had some 'unordinary' animals growing up. A frilled neck lizard aww.. The closest I got was being a primary school kid and bringing home grasshoppers and lizards in my lunchbox.. yup. I did stab holes for them to breathe, don't worry.

My cat is on my lap currently 💕 he's a fiesty one

In response to: i found myself broken

MDTSenior Contributor10 Aug 2017, 10:04 am AEST

Re: i found myself broken

thank @ohanais
your words help 🙂
today is also tough
but i suppose its fair to say that these days will come hey?
The effects of them can leave us exhausted and pretty beat up.. in fact i am right now as i write this.. but i always remember a quote i saw once "this too shall pass". In other words the overwhelming pain can go away at times.. it just takes time..
i dont mind the forums to answer your question.. i find it hard to explain things going on because i dunno how to explain them without giving people a history lesson.

In response to: i found myself broken

ohanaisSenior Contributor10 Aug 2017, 10:14 am AEST

Re: i found myself broken

@MDT

Yeah definitely. It's just difficult as the term 'depressed' can easily be dismissed as it is used for people who are a bit miserable to people with a debilitating mood disorder. That's the tough thing. It annoys me sometimes how terms are misused in situations and people sayings things like, "Oh that was so OCD" just because they rearranged their desk as they didn't like their current set up. Words are often misused in situations and this is what allows people to dismiss your realistic concerns and suffering.
I know how you feel when you talk about not knowing how to explain situations without giving a history lesson.. I feel the exact same way. But also - it kinda frustrates me how people try to link current suffering with things way in the past even when you know they are totally unrelated.. trying to gain comprehension and saying "maybe it's the pain brought up from... this past event" and sometimes it is spot on - don't get me wrong but other times there just isn't a reason or explanation and that is where it gets difficult.

In response to: i found myself broken

TABSenior Contributor10 Aug 2017, 11:10 am AEST

Re: i found myself broken

Well put @ohanais 😀 Am at work re replies.
Size11 here lol

In response to: i found myself broken

Unknown userMember10 Aug 2017, 11:48 am AEST

Re: i found myself broken

Hello @ohanais ❤️

I did notice you were missing, I couldn't get Dazedanias to 'come up' on the 'drop down' list.
So glad your back, so sorry you fell - but it's all ok ❤️
Well it's not ok that you didn't stop crying all day, or that you felt numb and so guilty. It's not ok that you fell into that deep harmful hole of darkness. It's more than just ok to reach out though, it's a good thing ❤️ That's why I'm so glad your back, you climbed out of that deep hole of darkness and your reaching for the light 🙂 If your wounds were inflicted by another creature, an entirely different entity - say a black dog - then there would be no guilt to carry . . . you may have a physical malfunction in your brain that causes the 'black dog' to attack you, by reaching out to the positive things in your life you may be changing the physical processes in your brain, that is indeed helping you get better! and in doing so helping everyone and everything around you feel better 🙂 Accept what guilt you must, but also accept your triumphs and successes. Let yourself see how deep that dark hole was, I want to acknowledge how much courage and strength it has taken you to scramble and heave your way out of it and battle the physical processes of your brain to bring yourself back to the positivity of writing on this forum again! Well Done! 😄 Thank-you for tagging me 🙂 Welcome back ❤️
Loads of Love to you
Niqua

In response to: Re: i found myself broken

Shaz51Senior Contributor10 Aug 2017, 1:37 pm AEST

Re: i found myself broken

I did notice you were missing, I couldn't get Dazedanias to 'come up' @ohanais

it is soo good to see you here , we have missed you

In response to: i found myself broken

CheerBearSenior Contributor10 Aug 2017, 1:43 pm AEST

Re: i found myself broken

Popping past on my way through just to say hi and that I hope things feel a little better today, even if it is just a teeny weeny tiny little better @ohanais. I hope you can feel the forum love because there's plenty of it going around 💖😊

In response to: Re: i found myself broken

OwlunarSenior Contributor10 Aug 2017, 3:16 pm AEST

Re: i found myself broken

Aw @ohanais

I am so sad you got so broken you had such a hard time - this has to have been really terrible

Sometimes I wonder why people leave when life is so tough. I think you are right - you feel as if you are a burden - but I can assure you that you are not. There is room for everyone here - no need to leave at all

I think I asked you what you would do without us - pretty sure - now I guess you know - at least when you have the forum family you have someone - somewhere - to post and get some feedback

It is so sad you have been through all of this - please stay - you are not a burden - no one here is a burden - sometimes people feel as if they are I am sure - but here's the thing - no one has to cope with anyone here that they cannot - there is no pressure to deal with things that are beyond us.

Take care of yourself - you may feel terrible but you are a person and you have a right to be here

Dec

In response to: i found myself broken

ohanaisSenior Contributor10 Aug 2017, 5:46 pm AEST

Re: i found myself broken

@Former-Member

Thank you for your reply to start off with - today has been a nightmare I can't wake up from, so to read that is just really lovely. thankyou
It would be so much different if it was a black dog who left physical injuries, then the guilt and shame wouldn't be there.. and people would have a much better understanding as they would be able to see the damage. But the black dog is psychological and that does lead to SH but, people notice you inflicted it on yourself and then comments become very ignorant and unhelpful in every regard. I am thinking of admitting myself into hospital soon because of this itch I have had lately and it won't go away, just permanently damage myself. I just know that people will be hurt but thank me in the long run - you know?

I am too afraid to also - but what can you do. I find myself in that black hole current and the light seems superficial x

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