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Something’s not right

i found myself broken

ohanaisSenior Contributor

i found myself broken

Hi all - I feel as though I need to explain myself...

@outlander@CheerBear@Zoe7@Faith-and-Hope@Phoenix_Rising@Shaz51 @Owlunar @Former-Member@TAB@MDT@Former-Member@Former-Member@oceangirl@Mazarita@Maggie@soul@eth

As you may or may not have noticed.. a few days ago my old account @dazedanais left The Forums.. I found myself so broken and unwanting of life and just felt like a complete burden. I had a massive breakdown and harmed myself a lot. I know I made a mistake in leaving these Forums, I have made so many nice, lovely friends and now I just feel as though I have messed it all up. It is all on me. I am sorry. I felt embarrassed of making an account again so early but I realised it was something I need.. because as pathetic as it sounds. You guys are the only people I have to talk to.


I have been breaking so incredibly hard. I have questioned my own safety and have also been too afraid to seek help for my current state. I feel so GUILTY for it. I am so sorry. I have felt like an annoyance too because of how unwell I have been and then everyone concentrates on my wellbeing and I think - you need to contentrate on YOURSELF not @dazedanais who is a complete stranger.. because I do not deserve anyone's time. I do not deserve it I am at such a low. Today alone I found myself needing and actually requiring an ambulance to be called after certain tendencies... I won't mention. Again this is all MY FAULT. I don't know why I am like this. I hate to be such a disappointment to you all and my actual family.

I am so so afraid. So afraid. I no longer feel safe with myself and I don't know what to do about it. I am afraid of the aggressive, condescending and punshments that would come out if I would need to go to hospital again.. so I am avoiding it. At the same time - I don't know if I can remain safe anymore.

I havent stopped crying all day, I feel so numb. I am back but again I am so so so SORRY. it is all my fault

222 replies

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In response to: i found myself broken

Zoe7Senior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

@ohanais I suspected that you were in hospital - I hoped I was wrong about why I hear how hard this past month or so has been for you - I get it - I am 'circling' the same thoughts and feelings atm and just trying to survive each day!

As hard as it is @ohanais - there is no shame or disgrace in where you have been and why - it is the hardest place ever to be wanting out - when there seems like there is nothing left to fight for and nothing left to live for - when the pain is so great it clouds all judgement and destroys what little light you may have in your life. I feel similar feelings - but not because of what I 'may' have done - more because I failed. Most days I wish I hadn't but there is always just a small piece of light that unexpectedly enters my day - I can't usually see it coming (or even believe that it is possible) but I also need to believe in something atm - because the alternative is destroying me a little bit more each day - and soon there will be nothing left!

My life is minute by minute for now - and that is all I can do! If that is what you need also @ohanais then that is what you need to do. Thre is no shame in asking for help or support and simply reaching out here takes coursge and strength WTG @ohanais

In response to: Re: i found myself broken

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

I am so glad to see you back @ohanais ..... we have missed you ❣️

Sounds like it was really rough going, and you're still struggling, but you're back here now, with our community arms around you, and I hope that helps you to feel a little bit safer .....

Hugs n hugs Hon .... looking forward to your posts.

💜

In response to: i found myself broken

ohanaisSenior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

@CheerBear

I have missed just seeing your name. Thank you so much for being here, I really need it and hope you are well.

In response to: i found myself broken

ohanaisSenior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

@Former-Member

Thank you so much for your words. It's all a bit tough and tricky over here at the moment. Nobody really understands. I often find therapy to also be quite hopeless and medication seems a bit hopeless also.

Thank you. thank you. thank you

In response to: i found myself broken

ohanaisSenior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

@Shaz51

I love to see you around 💜💕

In response to: i found myself broken

ohanaisSenior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

@Zoe7

Sorry to hear you are still struggling also, but I know how strong you are. A trait I sadly do not possess. It has been crazy this past month or so.. crazy.

I am shamed and disgraced at my actions in the past month. I was so awful to people who were trying to help me.. and just wasn't a nice person to be around. I was hallucinating and so delusional. I know what it feels like to fail. I was so frustrated by it.. and sadened.

I am glad you have that small glimmer of light that seeps through and I only wish that for you. Mine is simply talking with you all on here.

Minute by minute 💜💜

In response to: i found myself broken

soulSenior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

@ohanais - I was puzzled how you had reinvented yourself and then seemingly went off the radar. It's always a worry when that happens. Sounds like you were in such a dark place and are still looking for some light. I'm sorry that you felt that ending your life was the only way out.

It's good that you recognise that the aggression was something that doesn't typify you. I really hope that you find some purpose in life, some joy and peace. Please know that you have friends here that care about you. We will do our best to reach out but as we are not with you, it may be hard to know when you are especially vulnerable. If you could tell us, we will be grateful and can then assist you in any way we can.

Sending you positive thoughts and a whole heap of love ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

In response to: Re: i found myself broken

MaggieSenior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

@ohanais I have been to the places you speak of, still do at times. There is no shame. There's so much I wish I could say but it's just too difficult atm. I am sorry you have gone through/are going through so much. We are all here with/ for you.

In response to: i found myself broken

ohanaisSenior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

@Faith-and-Hope

Hugs back to you, too 💜💕

so glad to see you. 'see you'

I have missed you all so very much

In response to: Re: i found myself broken

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

@ohanais .... 💜💕

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