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Something’s not right

i found myself broken

ohanaisSenior Contributor

i found myself broken

Hi all - I feel as though I need to explain myself...

@outlander@CheerBear@Zoe7@Faith-and-Hope@Phoenix_Rising@Shaz51 @Owlunar @Former-Member@TAB@MDT@Former-Member@Former-Member@oceangirl@Mazarita@Maggie@soul@eth

As you may or may not have noticed.. a few days ago my old account @dazedanais left The Forums.. I found myself so broken and unwanting of life and just felt like a complete burden. I had a massive breakdown and harmed myself a lot. I know I made a mistake in leaving these Forums, I have made so many nice, lovely friends and now I just feel as though I have messed it all up. It is all on me. I am sorry. I felt embarrassed of making an account again so early but I realised it was something I need.. because as pathetic as it sounds. You guys are the only people I have to talk to.


I have been breaking so incredibly hard. I have questioned my own safety and have also been too afraid to seek help for my current state. I feel so GUILTY for it. I am so sorry. I have felt like an annoyance too because of how unwell I have been and then everyone concentrates on my wellbeing and I think - you need to contentrate on YOURSELF not @dazedanais who is a complete stranger.. because I do not deserve anyone's time. I do not deserve it I am at such a low. Today alone I found myself needing and actually requiring an ambulance to be called after certain tendencies... I won't mention. Again this is all MY FAULT. I don't know why I am like this. I hate to be such a disappointment to you all and my actual family.

I am so so afraid. So afraid. I no longer feel safe with myself and I don't know what to do about it. I am afraid of the aggressive, condescending and punshments that would come out if I would need to go to hospital again.. so I am avoiding it. At the same time - I don't know if I can remain safe anymore.

I havent stopped crying all day, I feel so numb. I am back but again I am so so so SORRY. it is all my fault

222 replies

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In response to: i found myself broken

MaggieSenior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

@ohanais Good to hear from you.

In response to: Re: i found myself broken

MDTSenior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

hey there @ohanais

In response to: Re: i found myself broken

Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

Hi @ohanais, It is super nice to see you back here in Forum Land.

In response to: Re: i found myself broken

QueenieSenior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

Hey, @ohanais! 😄

In response to: i found myself broken

MDTSenior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

hey @ohainas hope you are well

In response to: i found myself broken

ohanaisSenior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

on August the 13th, I tried to take my life. I ended up unconscious, on the blink of death and NOTHING like myself... I was totally unrecognisable. Once I awoke I found myself pulling out my canola, feeding tubes and constantly trying to run away, attacking security guards despite being desperately ill and needing medical attention. I wasn't myself. I got transported 2 hours away from my home and eventually was put into a mental ward before I collapsed and had to go back to medical... until I was then transported somewhere closer to where I live into another mental ward at which I stayed for a month.

It was so unlike myself to be so violent but I found myself unwanting of life.. and feeling as though someone else deserved the hospital bed.. someone who wanted to live.. and so I ran away 3 times.. even though I ran past a security guard and specialty nurse which I had 24/7. Other times I would attempt to run away, become aggressive and agitated.. and have to be held down... tackled and had to have constant needles to simply calm down. I was intensely medicated and again, this wasn't me. I look back in total shame and disgrace. It was the worst.

That is where I have been. Now I am suddenly on medications again and have to see someone 3-4 times a week. It's all totally overwhelming and I still find myself having the thoughts I had over a month ago.

@CheerBear @MDT @Former-Member @outlander @Queenie @Maggie @Phoenix_Rising @Owlunar @soul @Faith-and-Hope @Zoe7

and everyone else. Thank-you for caring 💕💜 glad to be back

In response to: i found myself broken

ohanaisSenior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

@eth @Appleblossom @Former-Member

and anyone else I missed x

In response to: i found myself broken

CheerBearSenior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

@ohanais - I'm so sorry to hear that you've been in such a dark place. It sounds painful and scary in so many ways (probably huge understatements there) and very much the worst.

I'm so glad you're back here where I hope you feel the love and care for you. You've been missed here by many.

Gentle steps. Big love to you 💗💕

X

In response to: Re: i found myself broken

Unknown userMember

Re: i found myself broken

@ohanais - you have been through so much, and im so glad that you here again and sitll 'here'. To have survived so much... maybe there is a reason you survived, or it means that you really are meant to be here! im not a very spiritual person but there are a few moments in my life where i often think back to that there was something else at play.. i don't know!
I'm glad to hear that you have a lot of support to help keep you safe for now, but sounds like it feels overwhelming too?
Here with you

In response to: Re: i found myself broken

Shaz51Senior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

Hello @ohanais, I am here with you my friend

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Help us push aside the stigma and discrimination surrounding complex mental health and change the way people talk about, and care for, mental illness.

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SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.

SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.

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