a bit about what has been happening

Hi there @lovemyboys

I read that it is only 2 years - more or less - that one of your sons died - and that is not long at all - and after my son died I found the second year harder than the first but although that was never the end of anything things did start getting easier since then

It is hard - our sons will never grow up - never graduate, reach adulthood, have a career, a wife and children - it seems we are collateral damage in the path of the universe and how do we deal with that?

There is no answer to that - only I did find that it was the most difficult and most important thing that ever happened to me. My son was 16 when he died and he would have been nearly 48 by now and this is rather strange to think about - my daughter is in her 40s and it is not strange at all

I wish there was something I could say to console you but alas - there is not - only the thought that those who die young are forever beautiful: but no - we would rather not have that - it's not our choice at all

I do wish you the best - I have not found the journey easy at all - I don't expect anyone ever would -

My best thoughts are with you

Dec

@lovemyboys. Sorry you are feeling that way.

Things don't sound too good there @lovemyboys. Was the suspension for the same reason? One day again? Make it miserable for him won't you?

And a grumpy one as well. And their father is away. And sleep deprived. You need some serious self care.

Hi @lovemyboys,

ive been reading through this thread. I'm really sorry for your loss. It has always been my biggest fear with one of my sons. I think sometimes I've had good luck rather than anything to do with parenting.

im the mother of 4 boys aged 17-22. I just wanted to share with you that I've had the experiences of living in a step family for 13 years but it was my kids and a step father. It's not easy and I often wondered how I would have gone with being the step parent. I know the friction that was often there over parenting in that situation. I know though that kids going between two families causes lots of problems as well. I was also lucky in that mine had to travel interstate to see their father so it wasn't that often.

I've also experienced the dramas and awful feelings of having one of mine be off the rails and be suspended lots over the high school years. He was also sent home a few times in primary school although not officially suspended. I found lots of shame in it. My family and friends are all teachers. It created lots of anxiety and depression for me. I just wanted to share that you are not alone in probably having lots of different mixed emotions over it all. It's a hard time and I don't miss it at all. I now know there is a light. My son has worked ever since he left school and has done ok keeping out of trouble since. He is growing up and changing all the time now. He has a long way to go still but I see he has a future. This was all so hard for me to see in the moment when I was in the thick of it all. I just wanted to share that there is a light and i hope it will all turn out ok for you just like it has with me (well so far, 🤞he is 20).

i also wanted to share that one of my kids was involved with headspace and one got therapy from a private psychologist to do with a life event we experienced and they all have accessed the school counsellor at some stage. That helped heaps as well. I hope this helps. I just wanted you to know that this is messy and hard and you are not alone. Again I'm really sorry for your loss. 💜

The behaviour plan is hard @lovemyboys. My beloved son was very impulsive which makes it hard too. Not condoning his stuff either, I was horrified and worked with the school at every turn to sort him out. On the days he was suspended I would often make him do work at home as in school work and jobs or send him to his grandparents (ex teachers) to work. It didn't have any affect on what happened in the heat of the moment though. He was eventually diagnosed ADHD at 16. For us since he began working a physical job he is much more settled and focused.