Coming to terms with reality

hello @eudemonism

please do not make this decision without discussing with your gp....

my son has become more paranoid and delusional....not being on medication is increasing his illness now...

I am unable to tell you whether or not he eats healthily...when I used to send him money and ask him if he was eating plenty of vegetables..fruit...meat...he would always respond with yesyes...never mind that...this is more urgent...meaning he needed more money to buy something..

he did well he set himself up in a flat...eventually he sent me afew photographs...he put in a security system...he still had his stuff stolen over and over...

last time i spoke tohim he was in another state wanting to study at the university there...he was still paying rent in original state where his flat was and paying for hostel accommodation in new state...

I could not get through to him that he could not afford to do that on a disability pension....we his mum and dad could not afford to sustain him either...

so I have had abuse and I no longer have two sons over and over....

quality of life? I don't think so...asio...friends from his past and their acquaintances...my husband...my psychiatrist are all after him and myself...

yesterday text message was to buy myself something like an acout5imeter to measure radiation levels...that I must read all of these different websites...

breaks my heart...

yes I hear also what you are saying about being totally reliant on the system, mental health team, psychiatrist, that the medication has held you back so many times from doing what you would like to do..

please don't give up....positive attitude is so vital to any type of illness be it mental or physical...

I am just very flat and weary.....it breaks my heart knowing that he is out there and terrified for his life...

so thank you so much with everything that you are going through....still reaching out and showing such empathy and compassion in your reply..

you are a beautiful soul an you will have an improved life....

that op shop sounded great...can you work their as a volunteer again?

@eudemonism

oh bless you....

such heartfelt words and meaning...

I have done all of the focussing on the positives...telling him every time how much he means to me..

telling him all that I want for him is a quality of life where he can be happy within himself and be himself...for others to love him as he is and who is...I have told him this repeatedly...

I cannot ever just ring him and speak to him...his phone is always off or in aeroplane mode..

over the last few months the reason I know that he is so unwell is not only what he is saying...it is his icy tone...the same tone that I heard in his voice when he was detained in hospital last year.

he wont let me speak now all he wants is money....then he will start telling me what to buy and where to look for things against radiation....all this other stuff....he abuses me...i have to warn him that as much as I love him I will not let him speak to me in that way...

it has all got terribly horrible now....this is why I know that he is so unwell....

he was turned away from 8 hostels...his is presenting as being very ill...

he will not listen to anything ...just keeps on talking non stop....abusive responses...i must listen not speak...then more abuse...

Everything that you said to me made so much sense...

I thank you from the bottom of my heart....

that would have been so very hard for you to write that..

I am so sorry if I have caused you further pain...I just could not keep it in...not coping well with it all.. So afraid of what might happen to him...he has been beaten up before..

as you describe your life... Living pain..

it hurts me to read that you call yourself a broken man....I know that you are enduring the symptoms of the injection...so this is your hardest time..

this will pass as you know..

you will hear the negative talk..let that pass...then take in the positive..

you have much to live for eude...you have the real you...he is still there...just confused...angry...positive...kind and caring..compassionate...you are still there..

My son is older than you ..he is in 30's....he has never had a long term job....I can't say too much for fear of identity...also I honour him..

take care ..be gentle with yourself through this tough part..how long does the hardest period last for?

Mo hill & eude...

hey eude

@eudemonism

good morning....understand that your head is feeling very foggy.

You are quite right in saying that I do not know your story...

I do know that you have worked very hard in the last 12 years on yourself.....

I also realise that you have had many ups and downs....have been very disappointed with people who have perhaps taken advantage of your kindness and generosity..

there are many people like that in this world who pray on those of us who are feeling vulnerable...fragile..during a certain period of our life...

they are the ones in the wrong....not us...their poor behaviour has nothing to do with what has previously occurred in our lives or mistakes that we have made....

I don't want you to feel that you have to talk about your story....I myself do not tell my full story on here...I have professionals with whom I can talk....that is what works for me...I will express how I am feeling on here though...

It helps me to hear how others are coping and dealing with their schizophrenia...

it gives me hope that sometimes when I talk to you ....you have plans....you tell me that you have been to the beach and good that makes you feel

sometimes you have visited your family and I think that you find some calmness...connection in that..

you speak of your religious beliefs and faith how they are part of helping you in your journey for finding happiness

you have not given up...you are not broken...you are riding through the hardest part of your treatment..

you have achieved purchasing new items and will be able to enjoy these once through this difficult period..

the negative thoughts might be there....can you make a list of them so that when you are feeling better you can compare how you feel then....make a private list I mean...

know that you have friends on here eude...you are valued and cared for...

you have helped me tremendously in those last few posts particularly ...even before just by keeping up the contact...

you are paying it forward...

speak soon

virtual mum and friend mohill

hey eude

@eudemonism

lovely to hear from you....I just switched on my computer a few minutes before...reading other thread I respond to and their responses....

then saw your name appear and thought great..

I was expecting you to be feeling flat...a bit disheartened as I know that the symptoms of the injection are an ordeal in themselves...

You mentioned that "you are always relying on

professional support (nurses / crisis line people / doctors / friends and family

As a person on the outside looking in so to speak...reading your words and knowing some of your difficulties....I think that if we change the word from relying to using or making use of these supports...it changes the whole meaning...

I believe that you are looking after yourself as you should be....these support networks are there for exactly that reason...to support...if you are taking on board some of their suggestions which I believe you have done from the way you write...I know that you try extremely hard to overcome how you feel and analyse what is happening inside your mind..

if you need more support that does not mean that you are weak or failing or not helping yourself...it most likely means the opposite...the very fact that you are analysing your thoughts and behaviours ...thinking about your life on a daily basis...means that you are doing all of the hard work yourself...this is a form of therapy ...so of course you need extra support...they are not doing the hard work you are...

you mentioned in an earlier email that your doctor had wanted you to see your psychiatrist again and this had not happened...

I think that it would be a good idea to have an appointment with your psychiatrist....are you able to make the appointment yourself ...you already have a referral? if the mental health team are saying not necessary be assertive and say that you know that you need to have an appointment...

you mentioned

I am weak. I am vulnerable. I am disabled. I am mentally ill.

for starters you are definitely not weak....you are actually very strong enduring such symptoms and fronting up every month for an injection knowing that you will have to ride out the rough before the intensity subsides...

vulnerable ...yes....most of us with any type of illness can be vulnerable at times...not all of the time though...when our thinking is not clear...our energy is depleted...yes we can be vulnerable...

being vulnerable is not a bad thing...it is not failing or being weak...it is actually a state where we are probably very much ourselves and hurting...again this is not a bad thing...

we learn to have a plan ready for these times....a way of backing away safely...you may choose to stay inside your house and not see others...this is self-care as long as we do not do it too much...then it can become isolating ourselves...I know this one only too well..you most likely have your own idea of a back-up plan

disabled...my son uses this term now...he never used to until he fled the state after diagnosis...I think that he has found himself in situations where he has had to present his pension card and had to possibly explain how he is disabled....society fails very badly in believing people are unwell....if you have not got crutches...a wheelchair..or bandages in abundance you are well in their eyes

society misuses the word disability...to the extent that I hate the word because of the connotations that now come with it....another form of stigma

so no ...you are not disabled...you still are able to do...to think...to be....so you are abled not disabled...

You certainly are very good with your budget now that you have itemised all of the items that you budget for....many people who are not suffering with mental illness...who are on low incomes...even high incomes....have no idea on how to start a budget...so you are doing very well..

Happiness...good health...love....safety of family.....these are all natural wants for most human beings...nothing to do with your schizophrenia....

there are also no guarantees for anyone even multi-billionaires as you mentioned...none of these things can be bought or are there for ever...

life is changing every second...we have to strive to live each day...all of those quotes that we read and sometimes we would just like to pin them up on the wall and use them as a dartboard...

the basis of the messages are true...

we can have happy moments that is happiness...the word is not for all time it is for each experience of happiness..

love....we can give love and hope that we receive it in return...some people are unable to express their feelings of love in words or actions...this is what my growing up years were like....devoid of expressing love ....I came to realise later in life as an older adult that they did love me...they just did not know how..this was how they were brought up...so there was no cruelty ...for me I am a very sensitive person..not receiving or feeling the presence of love resulted in my growing up feeling that I was unloveable and carried that deep inside for a very long time..also depression had taken it's hold from a young age..

I can tell you now that you most definitely can be loved.....I have followed your story and read all of your posts....you have a beautiful heart...you have compassion and empathy....you help others....you can be loved.....perhaps you are not open to recognising that you are loved...it can be shown in the look in someone's eyes....their response to you...these are signs that can be seen as we become more familiar with the people in our lives..

of course loving someone and falling in love are different....

start with your animals...they love you to bits...animals do not like everyone...

friends...I think so many of us struggle with this one...we get let down...we can be taken for granted....we are snubbed....expected to make all of the contact and so on...

I have more acquaintances now....they know as much about me as I am willing to share...

I always give people a few chances if they mess up....when it happens too often then goodbye...

I do not need people like that in my life...

I have one long term friend who lives about an hour and a half away from me....she still works fulltime and has 3 children all with partners and grandchildren...she is very busy..

due to life circumstances our contact is now a phone call to each other on our birthdays...we then have a long chat...promise again that we must meet...life gets in the way...I will make it work one day..

please do not read this as my being full of myself and knowing everything...

these responses are only my opinions and are neither right or wrong...

I do hope that some can be of help to you.....as you have helped me in the last few days so very much..

you have so much to offer the world eude.....finding the right place to volunteer would be good for you...a chance to make more acquaintances...

sorry about the length...

mohill

good morning @eudemonism

are you ok?

you said you had an eventful day with lots happening?

do you want to talk about it?

mohill