Family members detrimental to my well being

Dear @Decadian

Your family, my family, @Aphrodite family....can you join for tea @Appleblossom you have a lot in common.......

I heard somewhere that brothers and sisters dont get along for reasons of who is loved by Mum and Dad the most....

Anyone agree??

Thankyou @Busylady01 for your comments for something that has caused me alot of pain recently. I think I am becoming freer as the days go by and feel loved and protected by my friends in the real world, and my on-line supports here. It is very true that what I experience are not issues that belong to me - I am in a peaceful place today, and I know I will be alright. Yeah, when the pain was extreme, the thoughts were obsessive and loaded with pain and anger - I was trying so hard to re-chanel my thoughts and I found it very challenging. It is quieter now and I am finding my peace. Thankyou for reminding me that I am valuable, and I will remind you too, that you too are valuable, kind and precious which is why you stopped to tell me so.

Hey @PeppiPatty- Absolutely I agree with this - well in my situation this is the case for sure. I know because of the things said to me and I can't put it down to anything else because the most vicious attacks from my oldest sister, who lives on the other side of the country, I do not have phone contact with, (or rarely), or see for years at a time. She despises my mother being concerned for me when I have become unwell. What else can it be but jealousy? @Decadian@Appleblossom what do you guys think?

Hi @PeppiPatty

In my case yes - this is a case of parental favouritism - I believe my parents were afraid of the youngest's massive sulks

Families! - I think many young parents start feeling the will correct the mistakes of their own parents by having the perfect family - and there is no such thing

We never know what goes on behind closed doors - so often favouritism creates generations of distrust and angish - which is a terrible pity

Decadian

Thankyou @Decadian for sharing about your very personal story about your son - I know the pain as a sister, then I think of a son! It has changed who I am in some ways - it is true what you say, that if a person is going to do it, they are going to do it, if not today, possibly tomorrow, and really, everyone is powerless. My sister lived and breathed her illness for many many years, and it seemed to be the only thing she talked about - I didn't understand it at all then, and while I understand it a bit more now, having experienced depression too. My sister felt there was no help for her. I suppose that if I knew what I know now, I would have been able to support her more, I feel I was dismissive or just didn't take her seriously, but I do also know, it would not have made a difference. I know it is not uncommon for multiple suicides in a family - I am so sorry that has been the case for you - one of my brothers made a very serious attempt on his life many years ago, but was saved when his 4 year old daughter found him and alerted those who were around at the time. I had the opportunity to talk about my sister's suicide when I had a case worker through 'Mind' which helped me get through, as there was a period there where I stopped working - I was 48 when my sister decided to leave. What have you learnt over time that helps you survive the tragedy we have been dealt? My mother has been someone who has helped me in her own way, and while she can also be detrimental, I know she has always been there for me in the ways she knows how, but as far as family goes, she is the only one. A couple of my friends in particular are precious and I love them to bits. On the other hand, despite all that goes in the media re mental illness, there will also be people who can't deal with it - it is so far from what they know, and I have also found that people can leave you behind. Thankfully, I have enough of the others that help me get back on track when I start to veer. When I say help me, they are just mindful of when they need to be around me and make that effort - it is just beautiful. How about you @Decadian - what do you experience from friends where your mental health is concerned? Thanks for sharing

Hi @PeppiPatty - I have been trying to find your most recent post to directly reply to it, but I can't seem to find it??? To let you know that I am absolutely fine for you to bring my sister up - I do not have a problem at all talking about it, in fact it is what helps me, so feel free to ask me what you like. You mentioned your mum and how you have had alot to deal with with your mother being jealous of you - very difficult to understand - I am sure that it has been very hurtful to you in life coming from your own mother, but I hope you are aware enough to know that it is not about you - not at all - those issues belong to your mother. I know though, that even when you have awareness, you still can be very hurt by things that do not belong to you, but what does belong to us, is allowing their issues to hurt us. I practise all the time to have peace and what I find is that I usually have to feel hurt first and process a range of emotions before I reach the place of being at peace - one friend I have in particular reminds me when she can see I am becoming consumed by pain that the people in the family hell bent on hurting me, are not capable of anything else. Me just being me triggers something in my older sister that is confronting to her - she just has to hate me. It is great to have someone who is astute enough and can support you in finding that place for you to be that is healthy, gives you peace, and teaches you that you are absolutely fine as you are, and that you do not need to be validated by people who have issues and who you may very likely never get validation from. Unfortunately we spend the rest of our lives managing issues brought about by the people that brought us into this world - I understand that you can't give what you don't have to give, and what we get from people in general is what they know. I am also thinking of an Accountant I work with who always has issues going on with someone at work - she can be very nasty, and someone has to be at the end of it - she cheeses me off regularly, but I have noticed that I am learning how to manage better around her, and not take her nastiness pesonally - it is so freeing, and lessens my pain - I am not perfect at protecting myself, but I practise all the time to drop the painfulness and free myself. You made a comment in your post that you didn't know why you were writing what you were writing - it is ok @PeppiPattywrite what you like - I am happy to read and write back. I hope you are having a nice night and you are feeling good.

Thanks for your sensitive post @Aphrodite

i have been very much alone for most of my life - I have had friends and a very successful life - I have been on the DSP and now Age Pension for many years but I still have done a lot with my life

But my family couldn't handle my son's delinquent behaviour - and I left - I am glad I stuck with my son until the end and kept every promise I ever made to him - but alas - my family of origin were "too upset" and this is something I hope I can eventually ignore - but it will come back - I am sure

My favourite cousin took his own life in 2008 - and this really tore me apart - I went to his funeral in Tasmania - flying there and back in the one day - but still I did not expect him to be so desperate - but he must have

It is very hard when our families don't want to talk about things - yet when they do comment - these can be very cutting and thoughtless - why I have found my family too toxic - though both my parents have passed on now

When it comes to my mental well-being - I have found that the death of my son changed a lot of attitude from many people - before that I had criticism from everyone - told I "had to do something about that boy" yet no one was at all helpful - so that was a nightmare - and I even went to a different church and didn't tell anyone but the minister about my son - and he died not long after that - so those people were helpful.

But when it has come to counsellors I hvae been very fortunate - it is always worth looking until we find someone

But your sister's death would define you life - as my son had defined mine - when I was in a website for people with chronic pain someone asked me how I had not allowed my chronic pain to define me - and that was because my son's death defined me

Personally I have trouble with the words "Mental Health" and "Mental Illness" - I am not at all sure what it means - thinking rather that conditions including PTSD, anxiety, depression etc are more mental and emotional discomfort - and when it comes to these I have had all of them - and I know that I will never recover from the death of my son - but I live around it - the anniversary will get me every year - no matter how far and fast I run

But the other problems I have had with my family of origin - they chose what they did and if they had or have regrets - I can't help that - people to make their own choices

Also - getting older has something people don't share and maybe not everyone finds - but we are all open to new insight and increasing wisdom - and I am lucky enough to have gained these - and other worthwhile ideas

But thank you

Decadian

Dearest @Decadian

I'm reading your supportive posts...it feels like when you write you also walk into the experience and walk out again......

wow, I LOVE that.

I was reading up on @MoonGal and I must write...I wish I have your energy and compassion. @MoonGal if your around, thank you for sharing. I read it and thank you so so much. HEre in Australia..blo...... parents.

I have always seen you as hugely clever and well read...no no idea....I have been hiding in my bad all day today......

I've been looking up collective nouns today to describe a mood.

Night night, thank you all

PPx

@Aphrodite Managing difficult personalities and not taking them personally is a very sophisticated and hard won skill, whether it be in the workplace, community or family.

warm regards Apple

DEar @Aphrodite

I live with my absolutely darling husband who has quit all addictive substances to be with me. He's been slipping back on the smoking in the last two weeks. Then, he still has a couple of friends around him that are very bad drinkers. He had 6 beers on Thursday and it's like, he becomes a different person.

So needy and argumentative.

Im still feeling ill about my weekly stuff and he's .............not letting me .......

On your oldest sister: can I ask about the funeral? Where I went: His best friend was furiously smoking outside and I went and spoke to him. I respectfully said that I recognised he was his best friend: so a whole lot of words were exchanged well. I felt there were other people there that had out of joint noses because they were not being recognised for being the most important person in his life. I was quite surprised but not.

Does this ring true for you? Did you see a ...funny power game being played?

For instance: his first wife kept on standing up, where she was sititing and sweeping away to go rushing outside and walk in 5 minutes later....she was'nt crying but......it felt like she was angry.........

I felt I was at a breakfast suiree where you stood in the correct places and even at one stage an older lady came to speak to me about how thrilled she was to see me and hugging me and telling me how delighted she was to see me.

How did the family recover?

Was it together?