Family members detrimental to my well being

Dear @utopia

13 years old!!

Oh dear I remember my life beinga bout tutoring and running my teenagers around and......worrying about boundries when they want to stretch my already shaky decidions !!

Hi @Jacques hope you are doing ok

I could really identify @utopia and @Aphrodite. I have been a single mum for 15 years.

@Aphrodite I also had a lot of issues with suicide in the family and the horrific grief experiences. I was very worried about my son and daughter being present at another violent episode with my brother when they were young. My son and I have managed to work through all the issues .. his issues, my issues and the family issues. Just focus your love on you and your son. The rest of the family are grown ups. Yes I loved my little sister and mum again and again ... but it did not seem to matter ... suicide can do that to families. I was very upset that my son and I no longer had any real family but slowly he has grown up with decent values and loves our cats as if they are children. I have found a "semblance" of family through choirs and social groups and he has had a girlfriend for a couple of years ... so slowly the situations change ... and it is slow as it takes a long time to rear a child ... but keep a small flame of hope alive in your heart.

@utopia You give great supportive posts ... I guessed you are an experienced mum.

It is so good to have so many people sharing different experiences.

Hi @PeppiPatty how goes it?

You are right @Jacques

Many of us are scarred by our childhood

We do have choices about how we think - perhaps not how we feel - about these experiences

But I do consider that life is a Learning Curve - and we make mistakes and learn many things on this journey - and extra years bring new insights

I had one just a few minutes ago -

When a sculpter is working on an image of a person - he scars that rock face - whether it's marble or sandstone or potters' clay

And he makes this image into how he wants it to be

So our chilhood contains memories that churn us up - maybe this will wear off in my life-time but I have a feeling I will always feel the regret of how one family member hurt others

But suddenly I saw how I have been chipped away with the tools of a hard life - and now - I am glad because I have incredible insight into what has happened - and I certainly did not deserved it and never caused it

We can't chose the scars - but they don't have to define us

I wish it was that easy

Decadian

Hi All. I am hoping to get some relief from my feelings. My original post on this thread was about the affects of family. The oldest sister and oldest in the family doesn't like me (she told our mother so). She sent me despicable text messages all day when my 2nd oldest sister and I had had a disagreement about something, which was not a big deal, and I certainly did not say anything mean, but she cried to my oldest sister. This prompted my oldest sister to send me text messages all day which were despicable - out to destroy - just so vicious. I do not even have phone contact with this sister and had not seen her for a number of years. It caused me alot of pain when it happended but I buried it when she came home from W.A. - to be honest I only did that for my mothers sake, but I had not forgiven her, and not sure I ever could. She told me that I was responsible for another sisters suicide because she didn't want to come home to see mum because coming home to see mum was a package deal, and I came with the deal because I live close to mum and spent alot of time with my mum. She said many really cruel things and given that I do not have contact with her and her outburst was totally unprovoked, I can only put her hatred for me down to jealously, but I also believe that she has had big issues with her son her seems to have lost his way and is not doing well in life. I know that her hatred for me belongs to her and they are her issues, but I can't seem to feel free of the pain it has caused me - I am thinking of it obsessively and feel really angry, and it has placed me in a depressed state. All this because my sister I argued with speaks very inappropriately around my son, which I do not like, and I tried to tell her so. I have distanced myself and my son from her because the incident escalated to her screaming and calling me an effin s..t at the top of her lungs outside, crying hysterically. She is really damaged from an emotionally abusive relationship she was in for a long time and left 6 months ago. She is very hostile, angry, and very difficult to be around, but when she put her hands on my son in an aggressive manner and called him names, that was the last straw. She clearly has mental health issues, which I already knew before the outburst because she has been treating our elderly mother really badly, which I had never known her to do. Now the 2 sisters have banded together, as the other sister doesn't even concern herself with the details because she would never support me anyway, and the more pain she can inflict on me the better. I feel so sad. I need support to get through - the depression that I have experienced is the worst I have ever felt, and to be honest it has scared me to feel that way. I now know what my deceased sister was referring to when she talked about the chatter in her head - I never understood what she meant and now I know I am experiencing what she was talking about. It is horrible........... any input would be welcomed. Thanks for reading.

Hi All. I am hoping to get some relief from my feelings. My original post on this thread was about the affects of family. The oldest sister and oldest in the family doesn't like me (she told our mother so). She sent me despicable text messages all day when my 2nd oldest sister and I had had a disagreement about something, which was not a big deal, and I certainly did not say anything mean, but she cried to my oldest sister. This prompted my oldest sister to send me text messages all day which were despicable - out to destroy - just so vicious. I do not even have phone contact with this sister and had not seen her for a number of years. It caused me alot of pain when it happended but I buried it when she came home from W.A. - to be honest I only did that for my mothers sake, but I had not forgiven her, and not sure I ever could. She told me that I was responsible for another sisters suicide because she didn't want to come home to see mum because coming home to see mum was a package deal, and I came with the deal because I live close to mum and spent alot of time with my mum. She said many really cruel things and given that I do not have contact with her and her outburst was totally unprovoked, I can only put her hatred for me down to jealously, but I also believe that she has had big issues with her son who seems to have lost his way and is not doing well in life. I know that her hatred for me belongs to her and they are her issues, but I can't seem to feel free of the pain it has caused me - I am thinking of it obsessively and feel really angry, and it has placed me in a depressed state. All this because my sister I argued with speaks very inappropriately around my son, which I do not like, and I tried to tell her so. I have distanced myself and my son from her because the incident escalated to her screaming and calling me an effin s..t at the top of her lungs outside, crying hysterically. She is really damaged from an emotionally abusive relationship she was in for a long time and left 6 months ago. She is very hostile, angry, and very difficult to be around, but when she put her hands on my son (he is only 12), in an aggressive manner and called him names, that was the last straw. She clearly has mental health issues, which I already knew before the outburst because she has been treating our elderly mother really badly, which I had never known her to do. Now the 2 sisters have banded together, as the other sister doesn't even concern herself with the details because she would never support me anyway, and the more pain she can inflict on me the better. I feel so sad. I need support to get through - the depression that I have experienced is the worst I have ever felt, and to be honest it has scared me to feel that way. I now know what my deceased sister was referring to when she talked about the chatter in her head - I never understood what she meant and now I know I am experiencing what she was talking about. It is horrible........... any input would be welcomed. Thanks for reading.

Thanks for sharing @BlueBay. Yeah I get that it makes you feel hateful, but I am hoping that I move from feeling hateful because it is detrimental to our mental health. I do have hateful feelings at the moment, and I do not feel that I could ever love my eldest sister - she is despicable, and I do not understand how she could be that way. I have always longed for loving relationships with family, but I think I am beginning to realize after 52 years, that I will never have that. I have 3 brothers as well - I can handle being around 1 of them in particular, but the thing is he has very little to do with family, but of the time I do have with him and his family, it is pleasant - the other 2 brothers are angry and controlling, and I can't handle being around either of them for too long. I actually pity them for where they are - what I aim for for myself, is that my mental health is not compromised because of them. I will protect myself from their venom at all costs.

Hi @BlueBay

I knew all this and still I like you

I am really glad this is coming out - I know it feels terrible - I know you feel terrible - but if you have an abscess you have to wait for the right time to lance it - and I will be thinking of you all the time you are battling through this

Of course you hate the screwed up behaviour of your family - it has hurt you deeply - I have enough of this myself - but had time to grow past it I guess - so I can give you hope you won't feel this way forever - even if you know how badly your family has made you feel

This is why you are in hospital - you have all of this balled up in you and you have been angry - but you haven't been able to express that so it has turned into depression and anxiety

And although you hate atm - you are not hateful - sometimes I think we live so close together I might even know you - and it would be great to meet - but that would not be wise yet

So you have friend - and this is special - because you would not like to open up so much with people you had to meet in the real world

You will be okay - I promise you - but it will take time

Decadian

Hi @Aphrodite

I found it hard to read your posts because of my cataracts - but I think I have the gist of them

You have the kind of family that would go nicely with mine - luckily I have two siblings and that is 2 too many - so I get it

Strange - although I missed what you posted yesterday I dreamed about my siblings last night - it was so vivid - and I could see them so clearly - I decided to leave them doing whatever it was they were doing - and one of them danced up and down telling me I didn't care and I didn't care - that's so true - and the other one followed me around like they did when we were kids and I had to stamp my foot at them like I do with my cat - and I just had to tell you this - because our dreams tell us a lot

Your family sounds terrible - but because your family is terrible that doesn't make you bad - I know it hurts and families do gang up on one member at times

I am sorry you are going through all of this - it's life and it's not at all fair

But we can't choose our families - we can choose what we become ourself - I have a lot of trouble forgiving one of my siblings - not because of what they did to me but because of the sorrow they called our parents - but even the - our parents chose to believe her lies and I have no control over that - so I guess in seeing this I have been understanding at least

I can't say time heals all things - I don't think it does - but time gives us space to grow ourselves

And we are better off keeping ourselves from vexatious spirits - they do us no good but certainly cause us harm

But thank you for sharing - it is in sharing that we can learn that it is okay to feel this way as long as we can eventually move on - moving on takes place in its own time - but you have said it all now - or some of it anyway

Decadian