CROSS

Thanks @Owlunar I read STEP and tried implement many ideas when my girls were young.

I was in the very vulnerable position of giving up my work and study to become a step parent with full care and custody but little authority to determine how things went and eventually lost health.

Generally I am independent, not in a wilfull way, but just because nobody else was going to do anything for me so I had to do it. One develops skills and determination. With a vulnerable biological child, though I could not push him away but let him find his path. I was so isolated during the early period of my mothering, apart from seeing a social worker in Adoptive Services for 6 months til they became frightened of being taken to court by the child's mother, I REALLY VALUE these posts.

@Former-Member

The way you talk about feelings is very helpful and makes a lot of sense to me. Sometimes I use the concept of chakras but they are also loaded with cultural assumptions which can cloud true understanding. Also the moral issues around anger are different to the psychological or physiological issues. It helps me to be kind to myself about it, as I have never believed it to be right to throw anger around willy nilly. I was also raised with strong concepts of the importance of being a LADY ( in which I failed dreadfully).

On the day of the workshop with that woman I felt those burning intense feelings and had difficulty focussing on the workshop content becasue I was overwhelmed, but I did not sit on the feelings or hold them down, I found some ways to express them which was IMPORTANT.

1) I told the lady in question to grow a conscience, which was stating my expectation and not being blamey or abusive.

2) I told woman in authority I was struggling.

3) I pulled it together during tea break and had a chat with a young mum about the strength of maternal feelings and reactions, without disclosing situation to her.

4) We went to opera and at end, the mother and sister passed my son and I in our seats. The mother made a point of thanking my son a few times for being generous. I was glad that at least he got that.

Another weird thing happened at the opera. queueing for the cloak room was a conductor who had asked me to leave my church choir and with whom I had the VERY DISTRESSING flare up last Christmas Eve. At first I was shocked and he also was to recognise me, but then as he left the theatre he made a very deliberate and friendly wave to my son and I, as he never did anything like that in the 7 years I sang with him. I found it interesting. It was like he knew I was not really in the wrong and acknowledged me. That felt healing and good.

Then we briefly went to after party. It was good for my son to look at the finished product from the position of the audience and to catch up with a few people.

Hello @Appleblossom

I also like your style of writing...you write with great depth and I feel intensity

reading my own of course is coloured by my feelings before the words are even translated into meaning

I use this as a journal... I write as I think and feel, trying to make sense of both

Yes,I am aware that there are so many theories, systems that I could use to map out and decipher meanings. however, I want to keep this as pure as possible

I do not want to take these unexplained feelings on a journey where I might expose them to translations from those who have made money

this is an ongoing exercise for me to sit, feel, observe, live, breathe, notice and allow feeling that I am not in any danger, or under any threat. I am safe.

It sounds as though you are good at being assertive, as am I mostly.

Standing up for myself though, I found difficult growing up. Even now on occasions, with certain people, I still have to be aware of any bristles in my responses, attempting to smoothe them over articulately when noticed.

Recognition and thanks are important to you and I am pleased to hear that you received both.

Funny how life has a way of allowing us sometimes to see others whom we held in such dread as just another person in the crowd. He has had some time dwelling on that occasion and realised that your son and yourself can hold your heads high, without any thanks to him.

You mention that it was good for your son to observe such moments. I believe that it was very good for both of you in each other's company to be acknowledged, thanked and enjoy the environment within you have put much love.

a turning point for you both appleblossom.

Yes it is the integration of mind and theory and body and heart and feeling that makes for soul.

Nothing glib there.

I was not at all vocal or assertive as a child. As a mother I found the importance of vocalising and noting an issue . .. eg to tell the kinder or prep teacher.

As a private music teacher I learned and observed students parents partners etc ... and learned ... and was encouraged to assert. In last 5-10 years I tried to apply what I had learned.

So yes. Now I can ... but it took a while ....

It is a privilege to share the journey .. a little.

I try and respect that I can extend my imagination but can never really know what another person really goes through.

Regards

hello @Appleblossom

thank you

Yes I was a very self conscious, shy, quietly spoken female who started work within the finance industry. My first client told me that I had eyes like a cow. I fled to the ladies as soon as he left and cried. What a ridiculous comment and even more ridiculous reaction. Reality though.

I gained confidence but not self love.......

I didnt realise that you were a music teacher. I can add up all of the ingredients that I know and create a response. You are truly gifted. Music is such beauty for the soul.

What a shame I cannot hear you play.

I am pleased that you are in a happier place today, hold onto that feeling, soak it up. xxxx

@Former-Member

It helped me handle myself a great deal having had wise girlfriend posts and support from you & @Owlunar

Dec I did finally read those coroners reports when I had a quiet few days. I am alright. Dealing with these kind of issues alone is difficult.

Thanks

Hi @Appleblossom@Former-Member

It is really good to know that these girl-friend posts are helpful Apple - and also - you have read the coroner's report - yes - I truly do know how hard that is

I was anything but a quiet and retiring girl - definitely not in the mold anyone required - but seemed to please my father - I was a tomboy and clever and not at all backward about letting people know how clever I was - it was the way I was born and definitely part of my rebellion against my mother

I am glad you read STEP Apple - I did it twice - or rather started it the second time but it was too hard for the other women in the group with me there - saying terrible things like "Why does your son have to wear pyjamas to bed?" - I was asked to leave and the leader agreed with me that my problems with my son were so much worse - and that I needed it more - but ah yeah ...........nuf said

My mother couldn't understand what I meant when I said that certain things were my son's problem - not mine - her narrow mind freezes me to this day but these things are in my memory - not happening now

I do understand about creativity being important to instill as much as possible into our children - providing them with the chances - and yes - about being an adoptive parent - I am wondering if people get some education when adopting children now - it's harder than people think - as you know

So glad what I so quickly write on-line helps Apple and Mohill - you are pretty great with your ideas too - they help me - both of you

Dec

Lovely thank you both @Appleblossom @Owlunar

No need to reply

this is about me writing my thoughts down..releasing tension..avoiding burying

I am angry about all of the medical profession over the years who have let me down and now all of those who have let my son down

all of the marketing...hype about mental illness

are you ok day???? what about the other 364 days of the year. don't ask because you are told to, to make yourself feel better, to play the game, pretend that you are empathic...stop the deceit

what about the clues.....the paranoia???...the isolation...the state of the room..the lack of hygiene..,the loss of motivation...of pride?

yes I am angry...I actually have a right to be..I am justified in feeling angry

my son is angry too,,,,and frightened.....yes he has a right to be ...yes he is justified in having those feelings

he is a real person

I have been despairing about my older son whom has not got in touch with me for over 3 weeks

I rang the mental health helpline in state where I believe him to be and they have not heard anything from anyone about him....they have his details on their database from when I rang earlier in the year all of the hospitals etc

I rang his father yesterday...left a message...I find him so difficult to talk to...nothing has changed there from when we were married....we keep the communication channels open as much as we can or should I say I do...he rings me when he hasn't heard....I let him know if neither of us have heard and then son rings me...doesnt work the other way though...now I am sounding negative ...

he rang me back though and said he had heard from him about a week ago wanting money....lost keys.,.wanting to change padlocks...found keys...not sure...cant remember...I told him that I had received some dreadfullly frightening text messages...he said he had too....then told me that son has gone back to study...he also told his dad that he has tried to ring me a couple of times

this is wonderful news.....having some reality time in his world thank goodness

when you dont see the person with the illness....you read their alarming fears in text...you dont think oh well that is only a small portion of his time...the rest of the time he is living his life without concerns

you think the worst...human nature

honestly I am so relieved that:

he is alive

he is studying

he is having some level of quality of life some of the time

he has telephoned his father..... at least one of his parents all of the time

he possibly tried to ring me

he is getting out when he goes to study

I am cross...angry about:

he has not responded to my text messages

he has not told me that he is studying

realisation:

He is struggling to lead a life...the fact that he is not in contact is possibly because his focus is on getting to study which would be huge...I know how hard it is for me to get to the shops or go for a walk, let alone drive somewhere most days and I dont have schizophrenia.

so back to practising living in the now

I am so relieved that he is alive

I was feeling slightly down due to ongoing concerns re son...my own health...my mum's health...my sister's health and possibly now my husband's...forget all that though

trying very hard to live in the now...feeling a tad sorry for my self

I found you @Hoya by chance

firstly thank you for making my day

secondly thank you for writing such a beautiful description of a wonderful human being living life through and around a mental illness. I don't know that I have read it so poetically described before or perhaps I just needed to find it today

I am so pleased that your friend has found you ......perhaps as you say you are the lucky one...he is certainly letting you into his world and that is not easy...

thank goodness that there are people like you in this world...I know that there are some....it is just nice to be reminded especially right now that there are more

thank you for being such a wonderful human being....being such a good friend...thank you for sharing this with us ......thank you for appreciating that people with schizophrenia are still real people who have so much to offer the world

thank you again for making my day