hey all
I'm holding up okay i guess
I just keep having repressed memories rock up on the doorstep of my mind knocking wanting to get in... even though I've put "no one home" on the door... catch my drift? I even remember dumb stuff from over 2 years ago that STILL makes me anxious. On top of that it comes with stuff from really recent... I keep remembering the panic attack I had on new years day at a friends (who I know hardly see because of the panic attack)... feels like i just screwed myself over ever since. I often feel regretful at times that I let things get to me like that.. 3 weeks back when I went to the hospital the lady i spoke to told me that I have been letting anxiety control my life (words to that effect anyway). This really frustrated me because it sounded like I was wanting it to happen.. Then she proceeded to tell me that I needed to wear nicer clothes... its a hospital ffs.. yeh i'm gonna rock up in a tuxedo.. (if i did that it'd be rather funny i think)
Today I went for a walk in the morning because of my anxiety and depression. Hit me like a tonne of bricks. I'm now refusing medication. It's done very little over the past few years. Even the psych told me that no amount of medication will make things better. That tells me it's probably not having any effect. Figuring out the origins of the problem has helped waaaaaaaaaaaay more than anything else. It gives me a sense of direction I suppose. But I still struggle with basic stuff. I guess I'm glad today is over. So guilty all the time too. Puts me off my food. They keep saying eat 3 good meals a day. I'm lucky to get 1 in... and i need to put on weight and all this... just makes me even more anxious... But I have to say having an understanding on where it's all from does help. It's just a matter of applying all the stuff I've learnt but that can be hard.
I'm just depressed a lot because it feels like no one takes me seriously. That's why I asked about the ignoring thing beforehand. It triggers feelings of really low self worth, that I won't achieve anything because no one noticed anyway. This is usually what triggers feelings of harm too. But I guess I'm still here so that's a plus.
Had a sleep this arvo which did help a bit.
I'm just so anxious lately.
