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Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor15 July 2017, 1:02 am AEST

Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor07 Dec 2017, 11:11 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911 I'm super interested in hearing your thoughts...but I'm still not clear what I'm hearing your thoughts about.

Are we talking about the idea of a person being an expert on their own life? I'm sure that's the only conversation I started having with you yesterday. If so, I responded and now it is your turn to respond. I am laughing a lot right now at how completely Iost I am about what we are talking about.

I will be coming and going from the computer a bit so if I don't respond, that's why.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor07 Dec 2017, 11:52 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Phoenix_Rising - now I'm having a giggle, because we have made a muddle, haven't we?

OK, I'll put my perspective on it and see if we can get it back on course.

So, essentially you were sayingt that yes, we are experts on our lives. However, sometimes we aren't, particularly when we are unwell physically or mentally, and we need the guidance of professionals to support and direct us back. But through these experiences, we learn what works for us, and what does. Which eventually makes is an expert.

And unhelpful, helping people made the situation much worse. Because we all have our own internal radar of feelings that tell us whether something feels good or not. But yes, we place far too much trust at times in their so called professional expertness, and this is where it becomes harmful.

Due to my own high expectations of myself, particularly in my career, I expect far more from peers. I understand they're human at the end of the day, but they are supposed to be knowledgeable in their fields. And frequently they are not. I'm fortunate in some respects that I'm generally high functioning mostly, so I'm intelligent enough to call out a health professional if they are BS me. At the beginning of being so unwell I wasn't as outspoken, but know I am an expert in my MI. I believe I know it almost better than any other health professional. Sure I still need their support, but I'll call them out if something doesn't resonate or they suggest medication that I know doesnt work. So it's taken some time, but I believe I'm now given credit & respect for knowing what is helpful or unhelpful for me. And I will hold onto those things and argue with health professionals who try to tell me different.

Then I get labelled as obstructive and difficult. A story for another day.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

CheerBearSenior Contributor07 Dec 2017, 12:05 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

I heard the words "lively discussion" and then got myself all excited until I remembered how tired I actually am and how not lively I really feel. I will look forward to reading along with this one.

@Sans911 - I SO much relate to the "difficult" thing. So much grrrr to that one.

Go you Sans911 - you rock ☺

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor07 Dec 2017, 12:10 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@CheerBear - 😑this thread is not going anywhere. Rest up lovely. You're always welcome to join us later

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor07 Dec 2017, 12:30 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

ROFL @Sans911. Yay for making a muddle!!!

I guess my views on the issue reflect the fact that I don't subscribe to the medical model of what we call mental illness. I believe that what we call mental illness is usually (note I say usually, not always) a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. That is, I believe that most (again, note I say most, not all) "mental illness" is trauma based. Thus I never use terms like "unwell" with respect to mental health issues.

It often astounds me even with physical illness, how often health professionals get things wrong. On the one hand we are supposed to trust these people with our lives because they are "experts" but then on the other hand, when they do harm, we are supposed to accept that "they're only human."

Regarding mental illness, the amount of faith some people choose to put in the opinion of an "expert" mystifies me. I think this perhaps reflects the fact that I have completed all the academic requirements for becoming a psychologist and thus I know first-hand that psychologists aren't taught how to be psychologists at uni. Furthermore, a few months ago I shared here in Forum Land that I was tutoring a psychologist who is in the process of doing her clinical masters. She shared with me her frustration over how little psychologists are actually taught about how to be a psychologist. She told me she fears that she does harm to her clients with PTSD. She's been a psychologist for ten years!!!!

I truly do believe we are living in the dark ages in terms of how mental illness is conceptualised and treated. I believe that 50 years from now they will look back and laugh at the things mental health professionals do today. I think a very good step forward would be for mental health professionals to recognise this rather than trying so hard to hold onto their status as "experts." I believe most mental health professionals are doing the best they can at this particular point in history. But I also think they should be striving to do better! Here endeth the lecture.

Oh and as for being called obstructive and difficult @Sans911, I'm right there with you. I know, I know, it is hard to imagine me being labelled in such ways isn't it!

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor07 Dec 2017, 12:39 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

I like to think of it as the start of a Renaissance @Phoenix_Rising ..... and we are changing the world .....

I had an undiagnosed, untreated grandma with mi challenges, and I feel so sorry for her and what the whole family went through without any empathy or support from anywhere ..... the best they could do was for everybody to move out, including my grandfather, and just visit her to make sure she was unharmed physically.

Think my sis has a personality disorder too, by modern dx standards. My mother sought help for years and kept being told she had a spoilt child. My parents ended up putting her out of the house into her own unit, and supporting her from there. No CBT or DBT or anything available back then ...... and bro recently picked up on the autism spectrum. Explains a lot. Hats off to my mum and dad ..... hats off to sis and bro for doing the best they could too .....

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor07 Dec 2017, 12:47 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Phoenix_Rising - yay for you! I love your lengthy musings. You've made my morning! So perfectly said. I agree with everything. You have an amazing way with words. You need to be a damn mh advocate, consultant or someone for all your cleverness.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor07 Dec 2017, 12:48 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Faith-and-Hope wrote:
I like to think of it as the start of a Renaissance @Phoenix_Rising ..... and we are changing the world .....

@Faith-and-Hope Yep, we are DEFINITELY changing the world.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor08 Dec 2017, 12:40 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

I think I need some time out, for a day or few. I don't know if I've upset some people here. But I'll back out/off for a while. @outlander I will help you with you list on the weekend ok? I have it copied in a safe place, so I'll work on trying g to find some solutions for you.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor08 Dec 2017, 1:08 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

💐💜💕 Hugs @Sans911 .....

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