**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911you are hurting too hun and need that support. You help people on here more than you realise. Just by liking a comment shows that your care and are supprting someone. There is a saying that goes: "Actions speak louder than words"

I am sorry that you feel so much pain at the moment. I would love to be sitting there giving you a great big hug and telling you that everything will be ok, but I can't, so I will just sit here next to you.

My session with my suicide prevention counsellor yesterday was a long 2hours yesterday, but eventually we got to the point of why I didn't feel like life was worth living. And those reasons are mixed in with now, the past and a very, very unclear future. And I feel I'm on a one way way path that now I've started the process, I must bring about its finality. That is not to say that there is a massive amount of fear of attempting again, with different & potentially more lethal means. I'm just so tired of fighting for everything in my life. And I mean everything. As a young child in a care home, I never had my own clothes or toys/books, etc. Other children stole them. And they were all handouts anyway. I had limited rights with my choices, as most decisions were determined by the welfare. I had so many social workers in my young life; some made a little difference, but they soon left for other other prospects.

I fought hard to get to university. My nursing career has been amazing, but it's been hard work dealing with bullies, serious injuries,occassional serious medical errors and living with a constant lack of self confidence that pushed me to work harder & do more than anyone else. I've been bullied many times, which had the effect of me leaving good jobs, especially when there was a promotion on the horizon. Now I'm not sure nursing is for me anymore, and it was everything, which is one the most devastating things I have to deal with.

So, essentially I am tired of fighting for everything in my life. I've not often had people fight for me, in my corner. I have had to fight extra hard for mh clinicians to hear me, and not judge me on my maladaptive behaviours. And these maladaptive behaviours has cost clinicians, have cost my professional reputation and work at certain hospital's. And most of all, these maladaptive behaviours have cost me the most, in that my sense of sense is so eroded and has left me empty, lost and without any clear direction or how to put myself back together.

Thanks for listening.

always listening and sitting with you @Sans911

@Sans911thank you for letting us have an insight into some of your life. You are an extremely strong person.