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**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Sans911Senior Contributor
**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.
For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.
Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.
My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.
Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.
I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor
Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Awwwww shucks, thanks @Sans911.
I know this is going to sound amazingly geeky, but I am sitting here reading the DSM-V (i.e. the "Bible" of psychiatry) and I can tell you that there are no identified subsets of BPD discussed anywhere in the section on BPD (which is on pages 663-668 of the DSM-V if anyone is interested).
I am noticing this more and more as I meander around Forum Land - people seem to be getting labels that simply do not exist in any formal sense. It is like mental health professionals are making up sub-labels of labels willy-nilly. That makes me cranky.
I'm wondering if next time you see this particular mental health professional @Sans911 you might like to ask them to show you where in the DSM-V this subtype of BPD is discussed - you know, just to mess with them.
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Unknown userMember
Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Thanks @Sans911, Don't mean to worry anyone, I know myself like you do when you aren't OK.
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Unknown userMember
Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
@Sans911, the approach and conduct of this "professional" today leaves a lot to be desired. Bit like me with the refusal to take antidepressants, its their answer to my problem to get me out the door,not mine when my environment and circumstances are shit. Yes,I can only see the procedure as barbaric,and there is no evidence it works.And the movies do depict a pretty awful picture. I'd only have it done only after several consultations with several professionals.
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor
Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
@Former-Member I am starting to make the move out of Forum Land for the night. However, I wanted to drop by once more and say that I totally hear your despair around employment. I do get sporadic gigs of marking etc. but I am totally dependent on the DSP as my main source of income. And realistically, the hopes of that ever changing are fading as the years go by.
I know you often talk about your mum as being a major source of distress @Former-Member. I'm super hoping this isn't inappropriate or insensitive but...the very nature of life means that you can be 100% certain you won't be trapped in the situation with your mother forever. That is one thing that you can be 100% certain will change at some point.
I truly do know how hard it is to keep on keeping on @Former-Member. I super hope tomorrow has some good in it for you. Good night.
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
@Phoenix_Rising only you would do that-look up the DSM! 😂 I've probably worded it the wrong way, but anyhoo, I've been diagnosed in the last 2 years with Bipolar 2, BPD, EUPD, & Adjustment Disorder.
In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor
Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
@Sans911 Some super quick googling just told me that EUPD = emotionally unstable personality disorder which is ANOTHER NAME for BPD that is used in some circles. I only spent two minutes googling, so I don't know where it originated from, but I can guarantee you that it is not in any way, shape or form either a distinct disorder or a subtype of BPD. Just go and ask google. Again, I have no idea why mental health professionals are so bizarrely obsessed with labels. It really is a hobby horse of mine (one of many hobby horses...you may have noticed that I have a few. ).
Now I am REALLY closing the laptop for the night.
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Unknown userMember
Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Thanks @Phoenix_Rising It will change but I fear I will end up homeless as I can't support myself anymore. Lost my pride,dignity,self respect and what I did have through making changes through believing in my stupid self through counseling and antidepressants. At the moment my SC thoughts to me are my reality.
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
@Phoenix_Rising - goodnight sweet 🐢
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Unknown userMember
Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
@Former-Member Hey Li1 I don't know you, I am interested in getting to know you, sincerely mean that. I think you are such fun to play with, thanx for that. I am here to be friends with you, I thought maybe you didn't like me? I can get a bit negative like that with some people, sorry! 🙂 I have a Poetry Thread, you may like to visit there sometime? If you do, you may see some things I have written & get to know me better? I am just a quiet stand back & wait until I feel safe, kinda female in the world. I only talk a lot when nervous, excited, or trying to help someone. I just watch, & take mental notes most times in the world while smiling. I am very much a thinker, & analytical until I know I am accepted, & feel safe. I can many times feel out of place, & feel time to go to my wombat hole, yes its your expression & I'm just borrowing it for now, that's if its ok with you, plz? I have to have fun, & giggle to renew my equilibrium. That's how I survive, a home care Nurse who visited me to check on my Blood Pressure, years ago. Told me that my wacky sense of humour is my, survival kit. Can you & I have fun together here in Forum sometimes, if you like to? Let me know, I would sincerely be honoured to have you as my friend. Hope to hear from you when ever? Love & Hugs Your caring & loving Friend! Bella XO 🙂
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Unknown userMember
Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
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