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**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911 @outlander

Thunderstorm came through last night ans Izzy was so funny. Don't think she had seen or heard rain before. Was running around the house like a nutter. She is asleep next to me at the moment.

@Sans911might need to lay down on those tiles again today for some relief. That is good about the like button, makes it easier if using your phone.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Aww that is so cute @Former-Member they are quite funny when they hit that sort of mode dont they. Shes probably knackered now. How old is she?


Or have a cold shower @Sans911

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander9 weeks old now

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander - I haven't had a hot shower at all in the last few weeks. Yep, I need to shower today, and probably wash my hair. I also really need to get some emails done, but it all depends on my energy levels. Been putting lots and lots of things off as it's too 'hard' for months. It's not helping me. Sometimes I can get a small burst of activity which helps me to get things done, and then I bomb out

My writers group is on tonight. I haven't decided yet whether to go or not. It's not far away at all, it's just being among people and noise that's difficult

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Soo cute! Dont forget to post pics @Former-Member


Sounds like a good plan. One step at a time @Sans911 id be starting with a shower then do one email at a time but only what you can manage.
See how you go tonight, if you go you go. You dont then dont. Its fine either way. ❤

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Former-Member @outlander - well, I've just washed the outside of my car while it's still relatively cool. I haven't done this in probably close to a year. Luckily it's a light colour car, so it didn't look as bad as it really was. I always took such good car of my cars, this shows how much stuff I've pushed aside and not taken care of. It just makes me feel even sadder that I don't do these things any more. I never used to be this lazy or unmotivated. I've lost so, so much.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911firstly well done on washing your car. BUT, you are in no way lazy. I find myself extrememly unmotivated too. Things I used to do easily and not think about 6 months ago, I cannot even do these days. It is hard to motivate ourselves with everything each of us is personally going through and especially with lack of sleep.

After reading your post last night and today, if I had written them, you would tell me not to be that hard on myself. So I am going to say the same to you. DO NOT be this hard on yourself. You are going through an enoromous amount with your MI and you need to be kind to yourself. Remember this is not your fault

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Couldn't agree more with you @Former-Member

Proud of you that you done something despite not wanting too @Sans911 getting ourselves motivated to do something or anything is 90%the battle before we even start what we want to do
So well done!

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911 @outlander

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Cant see pic yet will wait till after drs @Former-Member
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