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Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor15 July 2017, 1:02 am AEST

Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

2548 replies

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember11 Nov 2017, 4:57 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911you are right (like always!) it does just take time. Hopefully these ones work Heard it is hot in the west today and someone might need to lay on cool tiles!!

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor11 Nov 2017, 5:06 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@BlueBay I'm sorry to hear you feel that way. I did try to start an unstuck new thread, but it didn't last very long.

Yeah I think much the same thoughts. I don't even react when professionals say that must be difficult to live with.

Hugs @BlueBay.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor11 Nov 2017, 9:27 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911@Former-Memberhow are you both going?

@Sans911i feel i owe you an apology

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember11 Nov 2017, 9:34 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

I am going ok @outlander got super high anxiety tonight. Think it is from app. today. Talked about a few things that were uncomfortable today. But I will be ok. How are you going now?

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor11 Nov 2017, 9:38 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

While I'm really pleased that my house mate has started work, and she's isolating less by getting out to see her friends, I'm tired of our whole conversations pretty much revolve around how she's found purpose again, how good it is to be at work, and how she's enjoyed her first few days. I sound like I'm being nasty, but I don't think for once she's considered the impact on me. I am genuinely happy for her, and I'm glad too that there will be less financial strain (I'm still paying All other bills from my Centrelink payments despite us being on the same payments).

But I feel gutted, and as I sit here tonight, my thoughts turn to everything going wrong of late. There's very little joy or things to look forward to. I'm still barred from working until probably March or later next year, and even then it will only be part time, if I can manage what I did before.

What's the point then of carrying on? For whom, what or why? My mind turns to other ways from what I've done before. These are more sure, some I've tested out. Living another day like this is hard enough, let alone another year or 3

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor11 Nov 2017, 9:41 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander for what lil Sis

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember11 Nov 2017, 9:50 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Your problem is mine @Sans911,one big reason I avoid people is my anger over my own life,for the past six years,I basically had nothing go right, counseling only helped me desecrate my life .As stated,my young niece earlier this year started working at my old workplace where I was bullied,I don't talk to her for various reasons including the hurt and paranoia I feel in the gossip about me.My mother keeps mentioning it,and is so f**** insensitive as it's best if I don't hear it as it's a trigger.
Please start making your housemate pay her way,it is disrespectful to you and is a concern as she is taking advantage of you.I understand the last statement @Sans911 , something in my thoughts everyday.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember11 Nov 2017, 9:58 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911 you don't sound nasty. It is hard to see people moving forward, enjoying their lives, going out with friends when we are stuck sometimes (or all the time) feeling like there is no way forward. We see other people have it and wish that we could be there too.

A discussion had started about me returning to work a few hours a week with my rehab consultant. The psychiatrist put a stop to that today So that one thing I had to look forward to, has been taken away today, so completly understand that gutted feeling.

What's the point of carrying on? I really cannot give you an answer. I think you are the only one that can answer that for yourself. I hope you do find that answer because you matter a great deal to me and others here.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor11 Nov 2017, 10:15 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

sorry for the delay! The forums are going off tonight!

@Former-Member im sorry to hear you had abit of your dreams shatterred, but you need to look after you mh first as well and im hoping that one day you can get back to doing what you love to do. I would suspect that your anxiety is definently from your pdoc appt today, but we are here for you to help carry that load I still havent been able to go into the kitchen and so havent had pain releif for nearly 4 hrs so thats getting to me but lots of distractions here on the fourms atm. Seems saturday night they come alive! Will try for pain relief soon though so it hopefully kicks in for sleep.

@Sans911

that does sound really hard, its good that your happy for her but its also hard when all you want to do is go back to the things you love which I know nursing is one of them and shes rubbing it in your face basically. You dont sound nasty, I hope that she does tone it down though. The first day or so is understandable but after that I wish she would see how its impacting you.

we are here for you too sis, try and keep your chin up though I know exactly how it feels.

I feel I owe you an apology from earlier. I feel like I shoved you out and it was wrong and I didnt know how to make it right. I care very much for you and I love everything you have to say and offer. You my sis and nothing will take that away from my heart. And I felt like I was blowing you off and I really wasnt trying to. Will you forgive me?

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor11 Nov 2017, 10:23 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander - please don't EVER apologise to me unless you have genuinely down something to I upset, and I've told you so. Sometimes we all respond less to one person and not another. It's quite ok. I'm not bothered at all. No, I won't forgive you because there's nothing to forgive you for?

Logging out in 10mins. Good night lil Sis 💛 💜 💙

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