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**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Sans911Senior Contributor
**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.
For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.
Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.
My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.
Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.
I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Good morning @Sans911. Just calling past to wish you well with your appointment with the psych today. I hope it has an outcome that you're happy with and that works for you. Thinking of you and will keep an eye out for any update you might post 💛
In response to: Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Me too @Sans911 ..... ❣️
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
@Faith-and-Hope what's happening for you? I really don't want you down at my level. Not because I want it all to myself, but you don't deserve to feel like this. I know you are trying to juggle so many things are all once, and maintain some harmony. That must be taking its toll.
@CheerBear - my case manager keeps telling me to write down questions for my appt. I'm a little confused because is she talking in codes, or should there be something to ask? And I'm concerned that Ill be told hospital stay for the weekend. I'll let you know later. I hope your day is OK so far
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
That statement from your CM would be something that would confuse me too @Sans911 and I'd probably think about it and run it around my mind a lot. Perhaps she's saying it because so often our minds can go blank when we are faced with the kind of situation that causes anxiety/feelings of being unsettled like this one. If you don't have any questions then try to forget about it about it (easier said than done, I know). If you have anything you feel is worth mentioning, it might be worthwhile jotting them down. So often I walk out of appointments and instantly remember things I forgot to say because I was stressed, nervous, defensive, shut down etc. I feel as if you'd be pretty aware of this stuff though, so maybe it isn't necessary for you.
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Hi @Sans911 ...... 💕
Our situation at home is not sustainable. It never was, once my hubby's mi emerged ..... it S a deal-breaker, a home-wrecker ..... it's the nature of it. It has to be caught, diagnosed and treated because it not only takes him down, but all those who love him as well ..... but of course he doesn't know that ..... he can't see it.
So I had a hard decision to make several years ago ..... leave him, taking the kids with me, and being our world crashing down, perhaps never to recover ...... or stay and watch it deteriorate across time while I knocked on every door I could find, seeking help and intervention.
With out a diagnosis, in our state, and with the illness hidden, short of leaving and creating a catastrophe, there was no help.
That's how I ended up here ..... all these amazing forumites have been walking along with me as my ship has been slowly foundering ..... but the "navy" has arrived ......
"Preparing to be boarded", and it's scary. They won't really know what is going on initially and this illness is a master of disguises. I just have to hold my authenticity in place and allow the truth to emerge as it will.
I know about sadness ....,,, but this course will hopefully lead to our recovery, whereas abandoning ship earlier was highly unlikely to.
So you see ..... it's scary, but hopefilled too .....
Got my floaties on ..... 😏
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
@CheerBear thanks for your input. I actually got the shakes from worry this morning. I've only seen this new pysch doc 2xtimes now; today being a third. I don't entirely know what her agenda is with me, so thats got me worried. I knew the first time she was doing an assessment only. So I guess I could ask what are her plans for me, and what diagnosis did she come too. That's a start, right, as I haven't asked that yet. I do shut down a little too as I don't want to know certain things. Particularly if it means hospital. And I don't know if I really like this person, as in our last session, she just kept repeating stuff over & over and I could focus on nothing else but being annoyed lol!
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
@Faith-and-Hope - I have and continue to follow bits and peices of your story. Other forum members know far more than me. I don't understand everything that's going on. But I do know how much on a toll it's taking on you especially, but also the rest of the family. To stay in that situation must be one of the hardest things to do, and I can only imagine how bereft you feel at your family dynamics being so shaken. Putting that back together when you don't know everything and people are hiding behind masks and walls, makes it doubly difficult. I know you are slowly getting somewhere, and my hope for you is your family reaches a point where not everything is perfect, but at least their is harmony and peace. I realise you are taking perhaps the heaviest burden and toll. I'm sorry that has to be you. All I've seen from your post is a loving, giving soul. You have my support on this difficult journey
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
I so understand the feeling of being shaky before something like this @Sans911. Really tough.
That's definitely a great start as a question. Another one could also be to have a think about what you want out of this and ask her how she might be able to support you with that. That way you might feel a bit more in control of it all (which I think is massively important) rather than it being someone else's plans for you.
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
It's a complex eating disorder @Sans911 ..... one that presents as a healthy lifestyle to the outside world, and dodges all the standard identifying features of an e.d. ..... but carries the same sort of personality, behaviour and values changes that are traumatic to live with ...... along with delusional thinking.
He came from being life-threateningly iover-weight, so the initial weight loss itself was a success story of sorts, but it had already begun to impact at the moment level ..... and trying to flag anybody to it made me appear neurotic and jealous of his "success".
Anyway .... that's it in as small a nutshell as I can manage. I have a thread on Carers forum, but my story is sort of spread in bits and pieces on LE.
Just wanted to bring you up to speed so you are not left feeling on the outer .....
I love the fact that you're a Westie ..... 💕 ..... sending hug-vibes out across the city to you wherever you are .....
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
I agree @CheerBear ..... it sounds a bit like the CM is following a script, and that can feel invalidating.
@Sans911, maybe think about ways to help tailor that script to you ? Let her know about things that are quite specific to your needs and wishes ? At least you can try.
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