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**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Faith-and-Hope -thank you. I hope that the decision S2 has made for himself proves worthwhile for him. He is lucky to have an amazing, understanding mother like you. But I see too when we give people autonomy in their care, that can be scary for others to sit with. All you want is for them to be well, harmony restored, and I have seen how much of a roller coaster ride this is for you. Hugs

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Im super happy to hear all this @Sans911 well done to you because i know its hard to reach out for help through times like this. That to me just proves how strong and capable you really are!
Sending lots of hugs ❣ and you can come sit on the other side of me and hold hands too 👭

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander - I think I was saying in a discussion with @Evangeline that being strong and capable isn't always useful/helpful. It often means by the time I ask for help, I'm deep in :pile_of_poo:. These last 2 years especially have been even harder that I've had to be so vulnerable and say I'm not ok, I'm on a slippery slope. I have often said that sometimes I want to completely unravel and loose the tight rein of control I have, sit in a corner and let go of everything. It's happened a couple of times recently, but it's only been when I feel safe with someone that I trust them to take care of me. I now understand and have been more accepting that vulnerability=strength and courage not weakness or failure. When you start to accept this reality, it does make things easier at times.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911 sometimes our strongest point is often our weakest as well. As you said by the time we ask for help we're often in the deep end. However you have risen above that even if they are saving you from the tip of your finger you still asked for help. Im really proud of you for doing that 💖
I really hope this is that light in a tunnel for you sis 👭

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

It's hard @Sans911,as I depended on my mental health nurse and others,and their perspective can do harm at times they do treat you like a idiot .I give you credit for believing in people where I lost that through my experiences.Take care.😊

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Former-Member I could not agree more that if you depend on your mh and nurse, they can harm you. I don't always believe in professionals though, I don't trust they always hear me or my needs. So often, they say to me this is what you said or did, and I get so mad that they sometimes twist my perspective or twist it around. Even this week, it took several conversations with my mh nurse for her to understand that I was trying to make the best decisions for me, and more importantly, I had given it thought and set my own boundaries.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sad part for me @Sans911,is ....I thought the world of him,can't say it but it was hard .At the end of the day the reality is these people play with your life,can do a lot more harm than good.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Former-Member - yes hun I hear you. There is much evidence of this, even in these forums from several members.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Former-Member I'm answering you here to avoid going off topic on the other thread.

And I've tried about 3 times to answer this. So I'm giving more thought. I'll get back to you soon

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Hey @Bpd_Syd. I'm coming back here later or tomorrow to add a post about perception if you are interested
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