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**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Sans911Senior Contributor
**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.
For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.
Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.
My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.
Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.
I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
@Bubbles3 that's hard huh? Sorry to hear that. Can you maybe take some time out? Go out, walk around your property/block? Put some space between you?
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Bubbles3Senior Contributor
Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Well his inside and im out. Thats as far as it can go @Sans911
Dont worry about me. Maybe im just complaining ove nothing
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
outlanderSenior Contributor
Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
@Sans911ive seen a few likes around but are you ok?
In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Unknown userMember
Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
@Sans911 Morning hun, I hope you are ok and are getting some sleep. You are always in my thoughts ❤️
In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
@Sans911@Former-Member@outlander .....💜
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
outlanderSenior Contributor
Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Cant see pic yet @Faith-and-Hope but they are always good 💖
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
outlanderSenior Contributor
Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Ahh i can see it now... gorgeous ❣❣ @Faith-and-Hope
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
@Former-Member@outlander@Faith-and-Hope
Good morning all. Well, finally a little bit better sleep and best of all, no dreams, bad dreams, nothing. There was a few dreams in the last few days that were so realistic I was starting to question whether I was experiencing psychosis & might need a hospital admission. That, and dealing with some tricky decisions that professional clinicians were unhappy with, my SI was in overdrive, and other bits and pieces happening. I just needed to hunker down and deal with it all. I'm in a better space today.
And I was well aware of the heavy day in forum land yesterday; that also kept me away. Simply because people were being very well supported, and I didn't want to bring my 'stuff' in the midst of that. In fact, I didn't know how to even articulate what was happening with me.
Everyone involved in that situation should actually be really proud of yourselves, as I saw a lot of courage, caring, concern and compassion towards each other shown. That's all I'll say.
I'm going back to a previous counsellor on Monday for a short term as I need regular support & therapy input that my mh case manager isn't able to provide. I really, really like this counsellor a lot. She's a specialist social worker who deals in a suicide prevention program. When I saw her earlier this year, my SI was better managed, I was in hospital less for the same reasons, and I was also better at managing the massive amount of overwhelming emotions because I had someone to listen to me where I didn’t feel a burden, and someone who validated me, helped me negotiate the overwhelming feelings. Even in the midst of everything there was humour, shared connections and genuine warmth. It is with mixed feelings I go back as I didn't expect to see her again..
So there has been some deep discussions with various professionals this week. And I now realise my mh case manager doesn't always listen to me or even respect that I can make sound decisions of my own about what is best for me. There was a lot of emotions & pain in that reality, but I've now analysed & accepted that I am capable and have choices that not everyone is going to understand.
So that is where my stuff is at. And I'm ok this morning. My SI is right down today (lots and lots of reality acceptance/opposite actions @outlander@Former-Member-dbt skills). Not great but ok.
In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Unknown userMember
Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
@Sans911 I am so glad to read this post. Hopefully this counsellor can help you with support and therapy until one becomes available for you. Even better that you lready have a relationship/understanding with them.
You are extremely capable of making those decisions for yourself and it sounds like you have made some positive ones lately. I am so glad you feel ok today ❤️❤️❤️
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
I am pleased to read this post too @Sans911 ...... I believe in you ...... my S2 has just made an unpopular decision over his therapy ...... but he made a self-care decision !! The whole focus is to provide him with autonomy, and this is it ...... but perhaps not in the form anyone expected.
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