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**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Goodnight sis sleep well or as best you can @Sans911 💜

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

TABSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sounds familiar @Sans911 re directionless, decisions made , feted even , then 6mths down the track , its like how did I get here, how is this working etc then feeling trapped and yes 48 for me was riddled with ‘mistakes’ yet somehow still felt ok. Notsomuch 7yrs later. Think I need a plan. Ok. That works.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

SnowieSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911glad you psych session wient okish and it wasn't too hard of a session. Bit of bummer of another week not seeing him as he is on holidays, stops that momentum.

Hope you can get some sleep in such hit conditions.

Have fun today on your walk/minigolf/physio day!!!

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Morning @Sans911 i hope you enjoy your day ❤

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Hi @Sans911 and @outlander,

I was reading through your discussion of Victims Services and I just wanted to clarify something. This is for NSW - not sure about WA, Sans911. In NSW, you are eligible for 22 sessions per crime. So, for example, in my situation, the icky stuff happened about three times a week for two years...and I am eligible for 22 sessions for every one of those events. If you do a bit of maths, that adds up to...er...about a bazillion sessions. I don't truly believe that a government program can be that generous, but people keep telling me that I don't need to worry about being cut off from the program in the foreseeable future.

I can't remember the details of your history @Sans911, but if you were eligible for therapy through Victims Services, you can see that it truly is worth exploring this option if you decide you aren't happy with your current therapist.

As @outlander explained, the therapists on the list are just regular psychologists who have demonstrated they have experience working with trauma. Given that several of my failed therapists were on the list, being on it definitely doesn't guarantee they are any good!!! However, there are also awesome people like TTT on it. The good thing is that in moving from one therapist to another on the list, you don't have that angst of using up precious sessions like you do when you only have the 10 medicare funded ones.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

CatcakesSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

I was looking for a new psychologist and phoned a practise. The psychologist who phoned me back was knowledgeable and understanding but said as she was fully booked , was going to suggest her colleague. I didn’t get to speak to her colleague but was referred to her profile pic and blurb on the practise website🤔
As I was desperately needing help , I started therapy with this psychologist only to have her dump me after five sessions.
I was devastated as I had specifically asked for someone experienced and interested in my issues.
I’m sure you’ll know how that affects one
@Phoenix_Rising 😔

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Catcakes yep, I well and truly know how that affects one!!!

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

SnowieSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911just dropping past to say hello, hope all is okish

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

how did your day go sis @Sans911

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

MDTSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Hey all
Just dropping in
Hope you are well
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