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Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor15 July 2017, 1:02 am AEST

Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor06 Mar 2018, 9:25 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911firstly big hugs

i never think its too late for you to seek help. age is just a number to me and i think everyone deserves help no matter what their age might be.

it sounds like a tough session today but you were open and honest with him. if your gut is telling you he might not be the right one then maybe its time to move on however sicne you were honest with him i wonder if he will take that feedback from you and adjust your therapy sessions to suit your needs better so might be worth sticking it out until next session...what are your thoughts on that?

i know what its like to not have many options left- and with onyl 10 sessions its really hard to get anything sorted out at all- has he helped you at all since being there?

have you heard of victims of crime? they offer free therapy sessions- think its 22 a yr. maybe that might be worth looking into? they have a website, and papers there. you send them off and you dont have to be too open on the papers about the 'crime' they accepted mine as a one sentence response (no details just stating the type it was) you can also pick your therapist under the approved therapists on their website. would you be open to trying that service? they are like normal therapy sessions and dont have to talk about it until your ready.

its ok to not have any ideas on where to go from here, lots of us are in the same boat. it can be really hard, frustrating and more upsetting than anything else. i remember you telling me about some of your goals- maybe you could think about some steps on how to reach one of them? or together we can set some short term goals and do them together or separate which ever you like as 'stepping stones'

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor06 Mar 2018, 9:49 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Thanks @outlander I might rain check those hugs for a cooler day. I'm almost a puddle like the Wicked Witch of the West (from Wizard of Oz). It's still incredibly hot right now and I have no appetite for dinner.

He did listen better today, so I guess I should give him the benefit of doubt and see if he can adjust his practice. And no, I've found no real benefit from his sessions so far, but there's only been 4 or 5. And after 2 more sessions he's away for 2 weeks. So more interruptions to our sessions (he was sick last week). It's unfortunately going to be a slow process anyway.

I been advised not to access other services as things get confused and conflicted with different therapies and styles. I have an intake interview with a PHARMS Support Worker next week so I think that may help things re: being able to debrief after therapy sessions or just having someone supportive who understands the lived experience of mh. My therapist asked me whether I prefer mh or other professionals to have lived experience & I said absolutely.

I'm not going to the UK in April. I've put it off until maybe September/October as I've don't have enough money & I don't feel that I'm stable enough with my mh. If something doesn't go right I might fall in a heap & need to come home early. It's going to be an emotional time there seeing my 'friend', knowing I can never have him, as well as seeing other friends I've not seen I'm a long time.

I have some small goals atm which I'm slowly achieving. One is the walking, which I set at 3 times a week which has now become 4 or 5. And I'm training up as a volunteer for a group that I walk with once a month. I will take a fortnightly evening walking position as group leader, and I may get involved in other activities with the organisation as there are lots of activities. I'm also applying as a volunteer with a local op for 2 half days a week & a cat shelter maybe once or twice a month. And the women's group I'm involved is pretty active with meeting weekly right now. So I'm doing quite a bit.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor06 Mar 2018, 9:58 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911lol sorry but i dont think your the wicked witch. maybe try a cold salad or something. that always works. will send you some of those fans i uploaded earlier today.

ok it sounds like youve got abit of plan now with your therapist, and your support worker. youll have abit more support as well with PHARMS worker- does that sound like an ok plan and sit ok with you for now?

thats ok about other services, but that option is there as an alternative (they are normal therapists and most have a website with their type of therapies so caa still pick similar styles if you choose) but will leave that at your discretion.

i think that is a good decsion to make, the UK wont go anywhere and as much as you would like to go best to make sure your feeling ok within yourself and are more stable. and yes im aware of your 'friend' which will be really tough for you.

i love the things that your doing, im really proud of you for doing these things for yourself and inturn helping others too

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor06 Mar 2018, 10:01 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Thanks lil Sis for listening & I appreciate your advice, I really do.

How are you doing today? @outlander

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor06 Mar 2018, 10:09 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

no worries sis, always happy to listen @Sans911

im going ok, had a few moments earlier in between a few things just getting too overwhelmed but am ok. just dealing with really hot flushes that are actually making my temps rise to nearly 38. its weird. i feel abit off but not like a bug just hot and the more anxious i get the worse it gets. its abit strange. i forgot to meantion it today so will monitor till i see gp next unless i get worse then will go back again. they took another 5 tubes of blood yet again so i hoep they get answers this time.

how are you feeling?

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor06 Mar 2018, 10:50 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander - your symptoms are a little odd. Hopefully they might find a reason why.

I'm alright. I refuse to give today's session any more brain time. I've taken my sleeping meds early but it's 29 here still. I've had a cold shower and I'm laying under the fan, but I'm still sweating so I'm really uncomfortable.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor06 Mar 2018, 10:54 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

i know @Sans911 very weird. i thought i was imagining it but past 3 days every hot flush it goes up. its sitting back down at 37.4 lowest its been since then. they got all the bloods so it might show something on there. thought mightve been from inflammation too as my neck and backflared up but who knows.

good on you- put it in your worry box for another day

its cold here but im hot so have the fan on anyway- cold without blankets, but hot without the fans off without blanket- strange human.

hows your cats going? has jasper returned to his normal self? plans for tomorrow?

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor06 Mar 2018, 11:07 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

The cats are good @outlander. They're getting along much better but my bigger boy forgets how big he is and unintentionally hurts Jasper. But Jasper doesn't back down too easily.

I've got my shopping centre walk in the morning. Then I'm going to play mini golf with some people. I'm seeing the physio for my shoulder.

What about you?

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor06 Mar 2018, 11:12 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

The joys of having 3 males cats and thr little one being abit of a rough nut. Just thinks everything is a game lol.

Sounds like a great day planned hopefully not too hot though! How is your shoulder going- getting any better?

Um sisters to school then not a whole lot. Suppose to rain again. Im suppose to be meeting up with someone who wants abit of help with their horse while they go away on holiday. But other than that nothing. @Sans911

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor06 Mar 2018, 11:26 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

I have only 2cats @outlander. Shoulder is getting better a little bit at a time. Sorry, forgot to add physio is in the afternoon.

I'm glad you're having an easier day tomorrow.

I'm getting sleepy lil Sis so I'm going to log out.
take care xxxx

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